There are a lot of potential responses to seeing a title like that. My brain immediately went to “I miss Soulcalibur!” Which also shows that “fighting games” were big for me… though I never got into Tekken or Street Fighter the same way I got into Mortal Kombat, Killer Instinct, Soulcalibur, and Darkstalkers. Man, I did some shifty things as a kid to make sure I got to play Darkstalkers! BUT… Soulcalibur is known for those “epic” sounding narrator bits and song titles and fight titles. Like… Seong Mi-na will be facing off against Kilik and the narrator will say something like “Transcending history and the world, a tale of souls and swords, eternally retold.” or “The heroes finally meet under the star of destiny.” So something like “Echoes Throughout Time” makes me think of the series. OFFICIALLY the Soulcalibur 7 has not been announced, and the fans are still very hopeful that it will happen; but the last game came out in 2018. The game before that came out in 2012. So… 6 years between sequels. And even then that’s stretching it a bit considering IP turnover (as bad as that is for developers). BUT considering the dates… Soulcalibur 7 should have had some kind of news last year. Never say never but… it feels unlikely we’ll get the next game soon, if ever.
That said, my morning at work was… last week of the Intern, so he’s doing the hard work while I’m covering for people. Like… WAY out of my pay range (was on the 3rd floor; a floor I have only ever visited as a spectator!) Then had to deal with some OWI Videos being sent to me instead of the proper attorney. All of that is fine. We need a warm body in a court room to make sure we have legal authority to request a continuance that is already agreed to? I can do that. We need someone to redirect e-mails to the proper attorney? I can do that. But then we had a phone call that.... there are some things I either cannot or will not do.
Front Desk calls back, “So, it’s the guy that I said called last week.”
Yeah. He doesn’t have cases with this office. He received tickets from the CITY. I am not permitted, nor willing, to interfere in CITY matters. These cases literally have nothing to do with me. Which was all explained via voicemail.
“Well, he says he is being required to come to this courthouse on these tickets so we have to deal with it.”
Which shows his idiocy and inability to listen. Of course he has to come to this Courthouse… the city isn’t going to build its own separate courthouse just for their cases. City Cases are heard on the first floor by Magistrates same as my cases. But the distinction is CITY versus COUNTY. I can’t call the Federal Attorney’s Office to discuss County tickets. That’s the same thing here.
“So, even though he has to come here, we won’t deal with it?”
NO, talking to me about his city tickets is no different than talking to a particularly well read barista about his tickets. He needs to talk to the City Attorney, we have no input in this matter.
“So, you won’t talk to him about this?”
I get it. The front desk doesn’t want to tell this guy to pound sand because he isn’t listening to anyone. But that isn’t really my problem, technically. Front Desk is supposed to direct his call to where it needs to go. His call needs to go to nobody in this office. Therefore, direct him to call the City Attorney. And if he wants to argue more or keep insisting “I have to be at THAT courthouse so you have to deal with me!” feel free to hang up on him.
Is this creepy? Is this perpetuating bad habits? Is this just pathetic and sad?
Knowing that this is August, I actually feel a strange excitement at re-reading entries from 2020. As things started with Victoria. As things transitioned. The beginnings of a sexual adventure for a man who desperately needed one. And then as I read the positives of that, sometimes I’ll do a skim read of something from the marriage or my time with Hermia to remind myself of how I felt and what things I “let pass” so I can actually retain and hopefully learn from past mistakes.
But as I have such a problem with temporal thought; maybe that isn’t such a good idea? I mean… yeah. I’d love to live “in the present”… but for me the present is nothing more than
(1) My Dog
(2) My House
(3) My infinitely expanding to do list
(4) My job; and
(5) My perpetual and perpetually failing attempts to connect to people via apps or online.
So… I kind of understand and don’t blame my brain for wanting to consider the past in hopes of knowing what to desire, what to watch out for, and what to consider immediate red flags for the future. But then, that in itself may be bad for my mental health because working towards a future that cannot happen is just “dissatisfaction, disappointment, regret, and resentment”. The one “This has to be a true mental disorder” for me of late? I’m stuck in this perpetual and harmful thought loop:
“If my environment were better, everything else would be better” by which I mean… if my house were not only tidy and clean but actually done… in that things were put away: the Office wasn’t “shit on desks” but actually properly hung up, the library wasn’t “shit on shelves” but actually properly catalogued and placed with intent, the clothes weren’t just “some of it fits?” but actually a wardrobe of functioning and intact clothes. Same goes for my work office: If my files weren’t half my predecessor’s mess blending into mine, if I actually had places for things and knew what those places were, and maintained a functional and effective work space. So my brain has this “I could do NOW if my AROUND were better” but has an almost terminal inability to “Make NOW about bettering AROUND”. And yes, some of that is actual knowledge- I know what I want to do for my home office but I’m not sure how to do it… and some of it is actual hardware/handyman issue- I know that the ensuite toilet can’t be fixed, now I just need to figure out about replacing it… but a lot of it is time management and self discipline. Like… yes, I was tired and had done a lot yesterday, but before going to bed I could have tried to spend an hour fixing something. And even though it is entirely my fault, I think this is one of those things significantly impacting my life satisfaction and self-esteem. I see my environments decaying rapidly away from “functional” and I see myself with this inexplicable inability to manage or wrangle things back to “acceptable” and that sinks into my emotional core. It significantly drives down my life satisfaction- both because where I am spending my time isn’t what I want it to be and because I am clearly not what I need to be… which, acts as proof to decimate my self-esteem and confidence.... since a Proper Adult and a Good Person would maintain their damned house and/or at the very least keep every room functional. Which, I’ll admit, connects to some of how I am spending my time and just driving things worse.
My house is not a place where I would be comfortable bringing a friend or a woman at present. That significantly impacts my self-esteem. I find myself on the dating apps literally saying aloud “Why bother” instead of crafting another 3 dozen “interesting attempts to start a conversation or make an introduction.” Because when you add the house shit, and the fact that I’ve averaged about a hundred or so attempts per week? Yeah. “Why bother” on continuing to attempt to connect via apps? That all does a number on me emotionally, I’ll admit.
So the “then things are simple” in my mind says: “SO SPEND ALL OF YOUR TIME FIXING THE HOUSE SHIT. JUST GET IT DONE.” and it’s.... it seems so easy! You’d think you can just say “Okay- you have DVDs and Movies that don’t have a place in your bookshelves. Make or find a place!”
BUT here is my thought process on just that one small tiny issue:
Okay, so… I have too many options. I can use the bookshelves downstairs for certain movies which would make more space upstairs for the new stuff but do I decide that based on which movies should be upstairs? Do I re-do the whole thing? I’ve got all of my board games taking upstairs bookshelf space and nobody comes over to see them or play them; should I move those downstairs to fill that space with movies? That might make more sense but then I need to redo the whole movie bookshelf entirely. Which I might want to do anyway because the current arrangement lacks clear definitions. It isn’t like it used to be with a “Collections here, TV shows there, all organized.” And if it isn’t going to be organized by TYPE of media or GENRE then I really should do it alphabetically, which I should probably do anyway so I can actually know what I have instead of just guessing or wondering if I misplaced something or if Nancy took it. But then how would I go about doing THAT? Should I literally write everything down and then alphabetize from there? And how do I handle things like Buffy/Angel? Is it acceptable to have Angel before Buffy and separated by other TV shows and movies? Should I still have a break in that there is an alphabetized section for TV then alphabetized section for ANIME then alphabetized section for EVERYTHING ELSE? If I squirreled away at least one day, maybe two, I could probably take care of the whole thing!
And that’s just on “what to do with the new movies and anime and things that have come over the last few years”. That doesn’t even require me to consider NEW spots for NEW things. The thought process on kitchen stuff has me pretty much resigned to “I will have to act like I’m packing to move again!” in that I take everything out, put it all together, then put it away from there.
This is why house shit takes forever and never seems to get done. Because I have that exhausting ass internal monologue all the time on everything for the house. So that isn’t even based on rooms because each room has that monologue for a number of things. That’s why my mind keeps thinking, “Okay. Start in the guest room. It’s just linens, hangers, a bed, a fan, and a filing cabinet. Soft, easy place to start.”
And then the mind goes bonkers: The guest room closets are filled with awkward shelves (as it was previously a child’s room) so do I want to remove those shelves entirely preserving the closet space as closet or do I want to use those shelves for the linens and things? If so/even so, I should go through and honestly once and for all throw away all the linens that have holes in them because whether being used by me or a guest, I should have proper things that haven’t been eaten through. But maybe I shouldn’t get rid of them entirely because anything/everything can be used as a drop cloth for painting rooms (as this house will need) or painting at the theater. But if I don’t get rid of those things, where do I put them to make sure they aren’t used as linens still? And should I go through the linens to see if I have full matching sets? Then do I toss the non-matching stuff? Or put that somewhere else? And how many pillow cases are too many? And should I keep pillow cases with blood stains and make sure that I’m the only person that uses them; or should I throw them out and replace them? How many bed sheet sets do I need considering how rarely the guest room gets used? And that’s just the linens; I have a similar mental spiral when it comes to the filing cabinet! And that’s just.... not only is that “just one room” but it is also “one room, and the easiest room to tackle!” I just have all of that going through my head for everything all around me in the house. Which is WHY it creates the negative emotional feedback loop and emotional exhaustion that it does but is also why it is always on my mind. BEcause I know a lot needs to be done. I know I have a lot of work to do. I know NOT doing it means it gets FURTHER from being done. All of this is known and silently, sometimes unconsciously just keeps piling it on in my brain.
(And I know I’ve said all of that before; it’s just… as things don’t get resolved, patterns don’t change).
WOOF I am glad that, even when i fail the tasks, I still calendar in advance! I almost forgot that I am required to man the Court Shifts this weekend!!
So.... that is… I need to at least get my place to Cleaners Clean before Friday Morning. Friday morning, I am providing the office with Breakfast. Friday evening, if I am so inclined, the CFCT is opening their Descendants show. Saturday morning I am required to be at work. Saturday evening, my director’s 70th birthday. Sunday morning, I am required to be at work. Sunday afternoon? Likely make sure that the coming work week doesn’t fly off the rails. I have nine trials on Monday alone!!! Monday Night: Audition for a Main Stage Play. Tuesday Night: Democrats Meeting.
Tonight? NO EXCUSES, NO DELAYS- IF NALA IS CRYING, YOU JUST LET HER CRY!
Store for Fruit, Food, and Oreos for work requirement tomorrow
GGT & Unpack Chewy Box of new food
Use Chewy Box to collect indoor redemption
Do full trash tonight, not waiting for Thursday
Do dishes and run dishwasher
Have house in “Cleaner Can Come” position: Meaning and including dog toys and various and sundry items upon floor
BE AWARE PHONE CALL WITH PARENTS TONIGHT IS A POSSIBILITY
Place Redemption in Car
Check Best Buy and E-Mail for new issues to deal with.
Nala.... is not going to be happy. But I really do need to get some of this under wraps.
So, I did actually do most of the list. It is 8:45 as I am writing this and the only thing from the list I haven’t really done was the Dog Toys!
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