I’ll start by saying that I have at least 2 distinct awarenesses. No, they’re not waking and sleeping…
I have forever had an awareness of my dreaming. Not just after the fact but during the fact. It’s technically called lucid dreaming - although my experiences of lucid dreaming are even more different and too out-there for general audiences to understand.
Recently I crossed some sort of threshold wherein I experience zero transition in awareness between waking and dreaming. It’s not really that my dreaming has changed. But my waking has dramatically shifted into a dream like quality. It was nearly seamless over the past year. But it has become so obvious that my conscious awareness picks up the empirical evidence.
My conclusion that this is what has happened is based on the fact that I have documented a great deal of waking consciousness shifts in the past year. But my dreaming has been more or less the same. And, I have consistently been awake and dreaming, awake and dreaming, for enough nights and enough consistent repitition of the same experience to consider that it’s more or less a permanent if not transient state on the way to something else.
Perhaps it was this experience which allowed me to more deeply feel into my body. I guess that is where I am blind, as most people are blind to their dream-life. My spirit mind is far more awake at night. I guess that’s why I dream; my body rests while I am awake.
During the day, now, I feel a sort of impact. It’s an impact of my blind self against my ever growing awareness. My awareness is expanded down, down, farther and farther into my body. I almost want o conclude that my spirit never really incarnated into my body. Just tenuously. But hardly at all. But now, it is. And it’s pushing against the blindness.
And the blindness is my second discrete awareness. It is what I am guessing must be the Shadow self, although I use that term in complete ignorance of what it might mean to contemporaries. It’s such a an interesting experience because, as I’ve shared, such a major chunk has been reclaimed into my spirit- that my spirit mind is now dominant. My experience is that, I engage in coping mechanisms- or, I sort of go through the motions - and I’m like, “and now I will go numb from watching filth on YouTube, or doom scroll or whatever it is” but then I pause- because I’m not going numb. I can’t let go of conscious awareness. I have perpetual awareness of my inner state. Not only that, but awareness that I am aware of my inner state. I am always in beingness.
And so this highlights a fact that the non-beingness part of me is separate and discrete. And what’s happening to her?
It has occurred to me that I use coffee to keep my state of awareness sort of stabilized. And I know that the blinded part of me is hanging on by a thread mostly and maybe even exclusively due to my coffee habit.
I was reminded that ditching the coffee too soon would be too stressful for me. I can see how that would easily send me into a spiral. I am reminded too, that, my blind part never chose this. This entire thing has been led my spirit. My blind part didn’t want it. She didn’t want to be… Dissolved. She loves her life. She was greived to her core to find out that she would be dissolved, eventually. And perhaps she mostly did die, then, as soon as she knew. As a mortality informed persona.. I wonder about dying. If my spirit is the essential part of me, it never dies. What dies, then? Only ignorance of immortality. That’s the only thing that can die. Blindedness. Which defined my blind part. So she experienced death and I witnessed it. And these are her dying breaths.
I had a revelation, today. I don’t really know if I could do it justice, just now. It needs time to unfold. But, I feel that witnessing a death so profound needs this little solace.
My body informed me that I had entered a realm of Air. Air energy. Floating, lightness. Flying. I was being told something significant. I had to go look up what the Air element pertained to.
The Air Element is the Heart, and it’s energy is Dissolution.
I felt so moved to learn this.
My grief for my blind part deepens into gratitude. She is always with me. There is some great mystery about spiritual love; it dissolves boundaries. It is unconditional, and never judges. Yet when one contemplates the dissolution of oneself, it’s terrifying and one is grief-stricken for their imminent death. The ceasing of existence of oneself.
But, it is love. And we remember that we live forever, and are held in undifferentiated bliss until we choose to differentiate again.
It’s like that. Nay, it’s exactly that. Just a bit of a microcosm.
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