I dreamt I was back at my old job. I always wake up feeling hopeless. I did like the gig. I miss the people, but I was there for 3 years and never got a full-time position. I think I have some trauma over that. Where I am now, I love my job. I love the people. I love what we do. The feeling is mutual, which is icing on the cake. I’m not scrambling to make ends meet. Con-19 trauma is why I stuck with the last gig. They didn’t mandate that gene therapy.
At the workshop I was in this week, I learned of the term glimmer. What is something small that can light up your inner world in the darkest times? My nieces and nephews. I clocked out early yesterday and went and picked up my nephew. I took him to my favourite park. I bought us something to eat first. It was a long hike for the little guy. Then, when I dropped him off, I noticed that there was wild sage growing in the little forest near his house. It’s just a patch of land that happens to be one of my favourite little places in the world. I have a lot of memories there with my niece. I just made an awesome memory there with my nephew picking sage. He really understood the assignment. He has some hanging on his wall, and he wants to let it dry until Christmas. I’ll give him the teaching long before then.
My niece met up with us in that little patch of woods with her friend. She could not have been more uninterested. She and her friend left. I used to take her in there, and we would pick plants for potions when she was her brother’s age. It made me sad that she is too grown for things now.
I’m flying to BC next Friday to visit my brother. I’m mostly going so I can visit his sons. I don’t have a relationship with my nephews there. I want to fly there as often as I can. My roommate managed to get a round-trip to BC for less than $300, that bitch. If I can swing that, I’ll book flights for every long weekend next year. My cousin lives in BC also, though not on the island. He is excited about my visit. They planned a whole camping trip over there. This cousin I used to call my son, satirically. I took him in so he could finish high school; he had problems at home. He also has a kid now.
Today is the day we bury our little warrior - the kid in my program who passed away. The service is in the morning. We have a feasting ceremony in the evening. The relatives of our kids are joining us. It’s going to be a busy day. We need a gentle week, my team. So far, they keep filling our plate. I called it out yesterday. The kid isn’t buried yet, and they signed me up for a workshop that dealt with heavy topics. Then, they tried to pull me away from our Family Fun Day on Friday to go hand out brochures on behalf of everyone in my office. Family Fun Day is a day the whole organization gets to blow off steam. They can bring their families. Then he wanted me to put in time on the weekend to drop food off at a rec centre for the forest fire refugees. I told him that our program needs to put up a lot of boundaries right now. Then rejected all the extra stuff he put on my plate. The workshop helps me improve our best practice, so that was okay. But that was my limit.
I’m worried about Virginia. She is a deadly auntie at the office. We started on the same day. Had our orientation together. Nobody is more committed to community than her. Nobody is more educated on the issues than her. She still takes courses on them. She is a coordinator and is on the same page as me with the current changes. We see that our indigenous programs are losing autonomy. My boss’s boss is new in his role, and he doesn’t see it. Nobody has spelled it out for him yet. Not that we can. Anyway, she has a meeting today about 30k that is missing from her funding that she noticed a long while ago. Nobody has seen their funds since April. Now we can’t touch them directly. Now we can’t talk to our funders directly. The coordinators are contractors. They have SPA contracts with the government to oversee their funding and ensure that it is not misused. It’s clear what the new Executive Director is doing, but that isn’t my fight. I’m talking with Cathy on Friday if I see her. She will tell me how to navigate this should I take action. She used to work in my office, but she was transferred. Her job is to help get us all funding. She will give me a lot of insight, I hope. The funder of the NPO, I want to talk to her about it, too. I don’t know if it is safe to do so. She is a kookum now at our Sexual Wellness Lodge. She isn’t on the payroll or anything anymore. She is there to listen.
Anyway, I’m up early enough to actually hit the gym this morning. I’ve been sleeping in all week.
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