I would burn it all down if I could.
I was very pointed in my texts with my coordinator yesterday. It’s been a year of carrying everything. Thinking of everything. Doing everything. Coordinating everything. He’s very thankless. My defences are down, my filter is compromised, so my frustration came through. I don’t make your wages so if you could take the lead on this, that would great.
To add insult to injury, I went out to eat on Friday/Saturday and something contained wheat. I have hangover level energy. Peeling myself out of bed is very hard to do. Then I get to feel like someone died. Which is exactly the case. The kid isn’t even buried and I was signed up for a workshop on suicide today and tomorrow. I’m so pissed.
I need to be more gentle and kind with myself right now, which is hard enough on a good day. There is a scene in Freakier Friday where the grandma is unable to get up off the floor. My brain is screaming to get up but I can’t. ADHD is doing that to me with all my tasks right now.
I want to do something for me. I need to do something for me. Even if it is just a day in bed doing nothing. I don’t feel like I can afford that. My work/life balance? I don’t know her. After this week, I won’t see my coordinator until September. I am trying to step back so he can be accountable for his role but he lets everything pile up. That’s his ADHD. So forcing me into this workshop today stresses me out even more when it shouldn’t. I shouldn’t feel like I have to be at the office to monitor my coordinator. To direct him.
Yesterday, I was looking forward to my nieces birthday party. I was so ready to play with the kids. Then I ate the food I packed and my wheat symptoms hit like a ton of bricks. I had no life in me for them. It’s going to be almost the whole week of this.
Then there was an awkward situation at the birthday party that kind of haunted me. I have a bit of imposter syndrome still. My sister’s in laws were there, and some of them were treating me like I was a gay mascot or something. Like I’m the gbff. I can’t describe it, but it is weird as fuck. They’re treating me like I am someone else. A mistaken identity.
I feel like I am waiting for summer to just end. We wait all year for summer in my country. Except those sad little creatures who love ice fishing. I just want my old schedule back because I need a day off from my roommate. She’s always around, I can’t stomach it. She even stopped going to her gym on the weekend. There is no reprieve. I need that Monday off so I can have the space to unmask. I need to sit and focus on myself. Am I going to enrol in classes this September? I need the time and space to think about it and plan for it if I do.
Yup, another entry of me being a big baby. I have to go get ready for that workshop now.
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