Where do I even start?
It’s a sign of my mental health that I’ve basically stopped writing again. I am mentally exhausted all the time because of the see-saw of emotion - elation at being home with M, devastation of being at work.
Devastation might be a bit of a stretch. Most days are fine. But then I think about specific things and I want to cry/rage/tear my hair out/die:
- being owned by the navy
- the inconvenience of appointments because my office is so far from the medical centre, and my car is equidistant in the opposite direction. There is a shuttle that goes all over, but fucked if I can find the number to schedule it, and it doesn’t seem to be doing a consistent circuit that I could catch it as it goes by.
- feeling wholly unprepared for doing duty again, and the impact me being on duty has on M.
- did I mention my boss is an anti-vaxxer?
M and I took leave together for his birthday, from the 28th to the 3rd. I spontaneously got the 27th off as well (our boss gave everyone the Friday off but I’d already taken it, so they gave me Wednesday instead).
Our holiday was lovely. M and I spent 7 days hanging out, watching shows/movies, reading books/comics, lounging on the catio, banging.
One day I went out with some of the crafting ladies and we went rock hounding. We all found a bunch of really cool rocks, some of which I’ve been able to identify (like Red Spiderweb Jasper, Dulcote Agate, White Banded Agate, Galaxy Stone and Celedonite Matrix in Basalt).
I don’t even think I was dreading going back to work this time, because it was only Thursday Friday and Friday’s are usually half days.
Except Wednesday night M told me his kidney was “poking him”, which is how he talks about kidney stone pain. He took some drugs and we went to bed together so I could keep an eye on him, and we could rest if his kidney would let him. No luck. He was so incapacitated that he asked me to call an ambulance (he was on the second floor of the house and I couldn’t get him down the stairs). They arrived to find him on the floor (he tried so hard to be mobile), got him some of the good drugs, and drove him off to the hospital.
We were there for at least 13h. I didn’t sleep, and M didn’t really either, despite him laying in a gurney. In the fucking hallway, right outside the nurses station. They did a CT scan on his kidney and determined that its a 5mm fucker who may or may not come out on its own. On Friday the Urologist called and offered him a surgery this weekend, but M said no because he didn’t have enough information and he’s terrified of being anaesthetized. Friday wasn’t a great day, Saturday was worse. Turns out the side effects of the painkiller they gave him (an oral version of the IV type they gave him in the hospital, clearly not the same thing) were giving him an unbearable neck ache and headache. I have never seen him so emotional, crying at the slightest provocation (at one point it was because “hummingbirds are so beautiful”, and another because I was nice to him). Today, since stopping those meds, has been surprisingly pleasant, M’s anxiety aside. His kidney has been relatively painless, aside from a flare here or there. Tomorrow he has a doctors appointment which he asked me to attend with him.
I’m supposed to go to Wpg next week, but on Friday I told my middle boss that if this was still a problem I wasn’t going. I don’t care about going either way, but after this weekend I’m really loathe to leave M for 6 days.
It really sucks that we went from some of the best time at home together to some of the worst time at home together. I feel like we can’t catch a break. M especially. Ever since he got shingles it’s been one health crisis after another. Nothing life threatening, but painful or incapacitating enough to significantly effect his life. After this long his mental health is compromised, which made this bout of kidney stones so much worse for him. It breaks my heart to see him like this.
Loading comments...