I’m hurting today.
I woke up in the anger stage of grief. I don’t like to show pain or fear, but I can have a dramatic flare. I wore shades in the office because I was not in the mood to look at anyone or talk to anyone. I was like an angsty teen. You didn’t know him. You couldn’t possibly understand. was my vibe. I didn’t want to hear anyone talk about him. I wanted to take some time off, but not as much as I want to be there for my boys. My little warriors. Yesterday, I sent an email out to their relatives to let them know that one of our participants has passed away and started their spirit journey. This is going to have an impact on them once they hear it from their peers or during future programs, and I wanted them to be prepared to help them through it. I got home last night, and I had to process it alone. I am feeling very jaded about it.
We had a sharing circle about it at work. I explained how hard it is to witness these kids come in for intakes with their parents/guardians. These adults talk like the kid is not in the room and put so many labels on them. He is a bad kid. He is a bad student. He is a troublemaker. I want those kids to tell me who they are. I remember the day I met the kid who passed away. He was so tiny for his age. I thought they got the age wrong on the form. He looked 6 or 7. He was 11. He sat and listened to his mother trash-talk him. He tried to speak up for himself to no avail. We just did an intake last week, and it was the same story. The reason this was on my mind is that we took our kids go-karting last week. The supervisor didn’t like the way my boys were behaving, and he lambasted them directly instead of coming to me. You can’t talk to your employees that way. What branch of logic did he cleave to that made him think that talking to someone’s kids that way was okay? I got that man fired.
I’m mad that I work at a non-profit that hates men. They blame patriarchy for everything and prioritize women’s issues. With that logic, then that is treating the symptom; my program is focused on the problem. My boys are ages 8-12 and are in conflict with the law or at risk of coming in conflict with the law. We don’t want them to become toxic males. We are trying to show them another way. We only have these kids until they turn 13, and then it is up to them to walk the red path. That isn’t mentorship, that is legacy.
I told my boss that we need to go harder on the mentoring part of our job. We are being forced to restructure a lot anyway because, in our staff meeting, we were given even more parameters. Now we don’t have access to our own funding. I called that out. They didn’t like my verbiage. They asked my program to source more funding, but I don’t want more money. The money problems are why my program was so stalled. We have exactly the amount we need. I am close to getting us 250k, and they’re already talking about using it to buy more company vehicles… I’m going to secure more money for my program, and then they won’t let us access it. I am calling it now that my boss is going to lose all access soon. He won’t even be able to look at it. When our funders give us funding, they want us to spend it on our participants. They don’t want a single penny to go to our organization. They have their own funding. The reputation that our new Executive Director has is that she cannibalizes our funding to fund her own special interests. So, how are you spending money on your programs then? My boss’s boss is going to spend it for us. The new ED came in and replaced everyone in decision-making roles with a team she brings everywhere. They are all spineless sycophants. She consolidated her power and soon our spending. I’m just going to stick my program’s bubble because I am there for my boys.
The odds are not in their favor. Statistically, 2 out of 20 of them will not live to the age of 25. They will die from suicide, gang violence, or drug overdose. More of them are likely to become incarcerated than to finish school. Not that I want to put another label on them.
I vented enough for today. Tomorrow, I recruited the whole office to help my program build 20 drums. I explained to them today that connecting them to culture connects them to something bigger than themselves. Next week we are feasting our drums, giving them a teaching, and then sending them home with a drum. I also told the other youth programs that we should send all of our kids home with yearbooks, also. They should have something to show for their work with us.
I had an obscene diva moment today during the staff meeting. The new Director of Programs came in for the meeting. We had to go around the room and say who we are, how we are feeling, and what we bring to the organization. I’m tongue-tied today. We all know who I am, and my work speaks for itself. Was my intro. They laughed and said that I looked like a rockstar. There I was dressed in black with my shades on. I played it off and saved my ass. Though I don’t think anyone would hold it against me. I didn’t lose a participant. I lost a loved one. We build relationships with these kids. We’re like brothers. This is really hard on us.
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