What I really feel like saying deep down may be best reserved for another space, so I’m not sure what I’ll write… or how much… or any of that. I’m considering playing with the format. Instead of one long-ass entry, posting multiple shorter entries instead. We’ll see how things go.
Over the weekend I saw anime with my Best Friend.... and his nearly shut-in status bouncing off my newly shut-in status is not a great dynamic. We’re not fighting but the “Lack of genuine emotional connection” in my closest friendship is a clarion alarm screeching in my brain. Then saw my parents briefly. Which, admittedly, always puts me in a weird emotional place for lots of reasons. I’m… more a child now than I was 8 years ago (in a lot of ways) and I find that distasteful and unpleasant. I visit the home I grew up in, sleep in a bedroom that was where I called home in my high school years… and feel a deep almost existential sense of loneliness. The kind that reverberates through time and space like a profound identity. Then I saw/read/watched some things which… put certain things into perspective but aren’t exactly helpful.
There was a discussion on the “male loneliness epidemic” (if that’s how you want to label it). And how saying “It doesn’t exist at all” or “It’s just incels being whiny” is not only disingenuous but ignores research. Men are more lonely than women in all of the research and men and women report being more lonely now than they reported in 1990. But that isn’t “because women aren’t dating”.... though the statistics there do support that single women aren’t dating. Recent statistics report that 38% of single women are “actively dating or looking to” while those same reports show 61% of single men are “actively dating or looking to.” BUT the issue, largely, is in emotional labor and societal construction/expectations. Men don’t have the emotionally deep, emotionally well connected friendships that women tend to. When asked, most women could quickly name a friend that they could turn to if they were in emotional trouble. The same was not true with men. When you consider the toxic and emotionally unhealthy way patriarchy/toxic masculinity/whatever label you want to use.... when you consider that “Rugged Independence” and “Not being needy” are requirements for masculinity and that “showing emotions” makes a man the target of bullying or at least being considered weak… this tracks. We’ve built a society that directly demands/expects men to disconnect from their emotions. When someone is unable to express their emotions, seek support when needed, genuinely feel seen and appreciated as themselves.... loneliness is a logical outcome. BUT lets have the conversation including women. Women are experiencing a rejection or rescission of emotional labor. Which is not a criticism; this is also a logical outcome of the societal pressures and expectations. Women are often expected or required to be the emotional laborer in their relationships. This can lead to anxiety, depression, and rapid feelings of burnout! All of the “I don’t want a child, I want a partner” partially comes from the perspective “An adult should be able to emotionally regulate and do emotional labor. If my partner lacks that, it puts me into a parental position.” So, women aren’t eagerly engaging in dating (partly) because they are exhausted by the emotional labor expectations and requirements. And in our current moment historically, it makes even more sense! When the world is chaotically spinning out of control, and people are emotionally struggling in so many ways as it is… women are already going through emotional burn out! They don’t want to add “being in a relationship where I am expected to do the emotional labor” on top of that!!
And all of that makes sense. It certainly corresponds to what I’m seeing. There are a lot of people that are emotionally burnt out. And when Men hit that? It leads to what I’m seeing in Court; because too many don’t have a healthy emotional outlet and have been told “Man Up” their whole life. So they address their issues with substance abuse, violence, and self-destruction. And when women hit that? It makes sense why so many of the single women I know are just about rejecting all forms of dating or partner seeking of any kind. Because why would you want a partner if it is just going to add to your already taxing emotional burnout?!
Then I consider myself and my history and my present and.... feel… just screwed from all sides. Because during the marriage, I was the Emotional Laborer. I had to manage Nancy’s emotions and crash outs and spirals and rage. And at work? Uhm… it isn’t actually talked about much in the law because it doesn’t apply to all areas of law but… Attorney, in many disciplines, is an emotional labor job. Talk to anyone that works family law or criminal law! Throw in the fact that 98% of my cases are Pro Se Defendants… whose intellect or emotional shortcomings have already proven to be enough to result in criminal charges… and no wonder I’ve felt the way I have this year! I’m experiencing the “Man Up” and the “Emotional Labor Exhaustion”. AS bloody EVER in relationship dynamics when discussed via gender… Chris is a girl (again) living in a world expecting him to act like a man (as ever). Which explains the frustrating dichotomy and self-contradiction I’ve been having regarding the apps. I still check them every day (often more than once a day) because I want that connection. Emotional connection, Mental connection, Physical connection. I want that and I genuinely feel the absence of it in my life. But just as often as I am opening the dating apps, I am closing them without interacting because I’m just… over it. The emotional investment in trying to meet someone where they’re at? The effort that goes into trying to (a) get their attention; (b) get a conversation going; (c) keep a conversation going… all of it? Yeah! I’m emotionally burnt out over here! SO… I’m experiencing both the Male and Female problem simultaneously.... which sounds so much like my life experiences in too many ways!
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