I don’t often do this, but I must confess I am genuinely concerned about the next few weeks incoming.
Tomorrow, I have 12 trials scheduled. Of those 9 are against sovereign citizens and one is against a woman that genuinely believes it is more likely that the entire government has hatched an expensive conspiracy against her then that she simply ran a red light. And I am very concerned because tomorrow alone will take a significant drain on me emotionally and mentally. But in truth? It is only the beginning.
I have a Jury Trial against a young man too drunk to know what he was doing; but confident that “hassling a drunk black man will convince a jury he didn’t break the law.” And with the local juries? There’s at least a 40% chance that his “my skin color beats your pigs’ body camera footage” may work before there is even anything submitted to the jury. THAT SAME WEEK I have a hearing against the most psychotic and violent sovereign citizen I have ever met. The week after? I have a Jury Trial against a Sovereign Citizen that has already offended judges by legitimately saying “I don’t have to follow court orders; the law doesn’t apply to me!” The week after that? I have (and this is no joke) I have THIRTY TWO TRIALS ON THE SAME DAY against a man who has quite plainly said, “Driving may be a privilege for others; but it is a right for me. So fuck you for thinking I need a driver’s license or to recognize any traffic laws!!”
So truly the next 5 weeks will be a torrent of psychic damage, emotional exhaustion, mental frustration and.... it will be a nightmare. Whatever spiritual power you pray to? Please pray for me. Whatever energy you send out into the world? Please send my positive energy. This will, sincerely, be.... just.... a fucking nightmare August. I will need far more of the intangible strengths and feats than I typically possess.
Because of the sincerity and earnestness of the first portion of this, I would otherwise typically make this section its own independent item. But I flood this website too much and it is already asking FAR too much for people to read and comment on what exists. And I want/need the first portion to hit so many eyes, I daren’t risk it being missed by adding a new entry in addition. So I will simply attach this.
Partially because of what is to come; but partially because of where I just was… my mind turns to dating, to sex, and to my failed marriage. Perhaps I should give more background.
This past weekend was my mother’s birthday. So the entire family gathered. My parents. My brother, sister in law, niece. And myself. The weekend was acceptable enough all things considered. But mom’s birthday ended with a stern conversation. February ‘26 marks my parents’ 50th Anniversary. And much like his father before him, my father wishes to celebrate such a Milestone with a trip for the whole family. Which became the subject of discussion. Along with that? A friend of the family is getting married this weekend (I, alone, was not invited to the wedding) and it is one of the friends that people weren’t sure if he was ever going to get married. So… good on him for finding someone. Even if there seems to be some.... considerable tension brewing underneath. And all of that devolves into the discussion of what is it like dating in this age? You see.... my parents met in the 1960s and were married in the 1970s. My brother met his wife in the 1990s and married in the mid-2000s. It has been twenty years since anyone in my family (aside from me) has had to date. AND, I’m quick to point out, I am the only person of this family that did not marry someone that I went to High School with. Seriously. Even considering that I was married before.... Nancy was the only person that hadn’t gone to High School with her Groom. And now? Well.... let’s just say, graduating in 2002 rather makes marrying someone I graduated with considerably more difficult. And when discussing the absolute shit show of Adult Dating and Adult Dating in the Dating App Era and Adult Dating Post COVID and Adult Dating in the Time of Trump with all the other various layers of bullshit out there........... the idea that my parents might ever attend another wedding for me has become.... rather.... not something people are exactly anticipating.
So, when I got home my mind was turning the question over and over.
“What is it, exactly, that I’m looking for?”
And while I would like to say I am over my marriage.... I fear I still find myself thinking, “A version of my marriage that worked and was healthy. That’s what I’m looking for.”
I want a partner. I want someone that will cook in the kitchen with me. Someone that will exercise with me. Watch movies and TV with me. Someone that reads and has conversations about what she’s reading. Someone that tolerates my friends and hobbies; but has friends and hobbies of her own as well. Someone who cares about me and counts on me; but not someone who needs me in order to function at all. Someone who is attracted to me and I am attracted to. Someone who has a sense of play but also understands the gravity of a situation.
I want the best parts of my marriage with the giant “Marriage Counselor highlighting” flaws removed.
And a metaphor sprang to mind. If I had to tell a small story using visual cues to explain why the marriage failed; how would I tell that story?
Ultimately:
Two people are alone in a gigantic but very dark room. One person complains about how dark it is. The other person complains about how cold it is. One of them discovers a box of matches, strikes a match, and begins to explore the room. The other person follows them. Finally, they discover a large bonfire and a water hose. The person with the matchbox lights the bonfire. The other person immediately uses the hose to put the fire out. An argument takes place. “Lighting the bonfire will bring light and heat. This is important. Let’s do this.” the other person responds with “But we don’t know what will happen. It might not work out. It might draw some kind of threat. It might show us that there is no escape from the room. We shouldn’t light it.” And the argument continues. And they keep lighting the bonfire, then the other person dousing the flames.
That’s.... a metaphor for what it is like when you can see Mental Health crippling a person and them actively, passionately, fearfully rejecting all opportunities for help.
If I’m being honest? I don’t know if Nancy really got all the help she needed. I mean… contracting an STI due to irresponsible sexual practices and abandoning her life to live on the other side of the country with her Pool Cleaner Boyfriend and his Parents....... doesn’t exactly sound mentally sound for a 45 year old......... but I’m hopeful she’s at least doing better.
And I would argue… wanting a saner, smarter, healthier, better version of a relationship that… hobbled along… for fifteen years isn’t the worst desire in the world. It just.... isn’t exactly… one on offer at the moment. Though I am happy to see some women starting to fucking get it!
One of the Dating App Coaches in the Dating Social Media Help Sphere finally took the challenge of someone who was essentially saying “Stop giving dating advice to men. You aren’t one and clearly don’t know what we’re dealing with!”
So… this individual decided to take over the Dating App Account of one of her male friends. She described him as “Physically, he’s probably a 6 but his personality is at least an 8.” And she took over his dating profile for a full week. And she said, “I don’t know what he’s into, so I was swiping right on most profiles to make sure if he got a match, I could ask if he was interested.” She remarked that she specifically said it that way because.... after an entire week of swiping on almost everyone that came up? After sending well thought out messages in an attempt to begin the conversation? She received ZERO responses. Which wasn’t what she expected. She was swiping on everyone and her friend isn’t unattractive and his profile was engaging. And she said, even knowing she was doing this “behind her friend’s face”, the constant cycle of swiping, attempting to make a meaningful opening line, and receiving ZERO responses.... made her actually start to hate herself. It was affecting her own self-esteem to “realize that my own attempts to start a basic conversation were entirely rejected out of hand.”
SO.......... for those of us who want love.... who want a family.... apparently we’re screwed. And I do appreciate all of the people who are quick to say, “Learn to live on your own! You don’t need someone else and it’s a myth that you do! Just abandon that hope all together!” I appreciate you’re trying to be encouraging. But… well, I’ll say this. I mention it to others. I say, “I’ve got people I care about who are telling me to just give up. Focus on embracing being alone. Forget what I want, what I honestly desire; and just learn to accept not having it.” And most of the people in the support groups honestly say something along the lines of “You’re never too old to want or deserve a genuine loving relationship. It’s never wrong to want to embrace your romantic side. It’s never wrong to want a physical or sexual relationship. It’s okay to want those and to be sad that it is so damned hard in the modern world to get anything like that. Some people are honestly just built to want to be in relationships. And way too many outlets these days treat the idea of a relationship as a burden that interferes with no strings sex or freedom of schedules or whatever else. You shouldn’t feel bad for wanting what you want and you shouldn’t feel worse for feeling sad that it isn’t happening. But you do have to keep on going. Whether that’s taking occasional breaks from the dating apps; or going full jack ass by trying to hit up a dance club; or really being risky and trying to chat up people at a bar.... whatever helps you keep going forward.”
I do want a relationship. I want to fall in love, and have someone fall in love with me. I want to cook with someone. Not… like it was before where I cook and she stares at me. I want to cook with someone. Active. Dual. Together! I want to go on a walk where our surface chatting suddenly has us talking about deep and important topics. I want to look across a table and melt just because she’s smiling and doesn’t know I see her. I want to ravish someone to the point where they are exhausted with bliss. I want to discover new emotional and sexual heights with someone who cares and trusts me enough to go with me on those journeys, literal or metaphorical. AND, what is seemingly defining the gender debate these days? YES. I do want someone who is willing and able to comfort me just as much as she wants me to comfort her. It still disgusts me that we live in an age where we are demanding an end to the patriarchy (GOOD) but still “get the ick” when a man is vulnerable or needs to let his walls down. It’s disgusting.
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