Honestly, not much to write.
Weekend was not as productive as I wanted it to be. Again.
Got the dog groomed. Put laundry away. That’s… about the extent of it.
I did reach back out and attempted to arrange a second date. The response was “Oh, actually my week is booked and I’m going out of state this coming weekend.” I.... won’t take that as a “Don’t text me again” right away but it sure seems to suggest “Kthnxbai”. Or, in other words, another first date with no second date. Welcome to Modern Dating, I guess.
But I also know I’m depressed. Not a “oh, I didn’t get a second date” depression… like a full blown legit depression. The kind where I can barely justify doing anything on dating apps, and have to use energy to motivate myself to get out of bed in any way.
It must be said that “what I see in my head” is too different from what is reality. If I could snap my finger and certain things would get done? House- totally up to a livable standard where every room could be used in some way. Body- fit enough that I don’t have body dysmorphia and a borderline identity crisis. Job- paying me an actual attorney salary in a world that isn’t dangerously devoid of legal representation. Seriously! I would love to deal with other attorneys and feel like I have an actual “big boy job” where I get to have discussions with other people who can prove a higher than 3rd Grade Reading Level.... instead I have the Pro Se Psychopath docket. That’s literal, by the way. In the next 4 weeks, I have 12 trials against the same person… who is so violently psychotic that the homeless shelters have banned her for the safety of the others… so my trials against her just ping pong back and forth from “Wildly needless assault with no purpose” and “trespass because you aren’t allowed to be there in the first place” over and over and over and over and over. TWELVE of those trials! In the midst of several of our Sovereign Citizens are up for trial soon. SOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO yeah. I’m currently in a depression. Forcing myself to keep going just on the “If I don’t do this, I can’t afford food and shelter”.... and the shelter is draining me of everything the job isn’t taking and anything left is being consumed by the social life failures.
I try to lie to myself. I try to “investigate” why are you at least functional when in a show and like this outside of one? The best I’ve come up with?
(1) People are forced to be around me. They are required to be at rehearsal and interact with me on stage. So, there’s none of this “Let’s hang out” and never actually hanging out stuff. It’s social interaction where people are forced to interact with me.
(2) It is character work. I can build something out of a script that is both “of the writer” and “of me”. I’m not so creative that I can bring something to life fully formed from nothing. But give me something and I’ll do everything I can with it.
(3) It is the best part of Groundhogs Day. While my life feels like the worst parts of that movie, being IN a show is the part where things literally repeat the same way; and it is my job to see how different attempts change things. I’ve been obsessed with Time Travel forever. I want to know how I could change things after I know what the outcomes would be. Acting gives me that in the only way we have access to.
And I can’t just… create that in my life. I can’t take “what makes me Show Functional” and import it into the every day.
I would love to have a group of friends I could see at least once a week. I can’t force that to happen and I don’t know of a way of making that happen.
I would love to express myself creatively more. I think it would be pretty cool to be a DM for a gaming campaign or join some kind of Adult Art Class (that I can never seem to find anywhere).
I would love to be able to play out different scenarios with people (verbally, in discussion format) and just honestly contemplate and enjoy a conversation about the WHAT IFs and how outcomes would differ.
Truly, technically, clearly, what this all boils down to? I need a D&D group, lol. I need a group of FRIENDS that meets every week and does something fun and creative. Granted, that isn’t necessarily a D&D group but… the definition fits. And like most of my life? It’s the “finding people who would accept me, welcome me, or permit me” that is the killing blow. Every time.
And this is why I threw in with the Cule like I did. Because my biggest weakness? Recurring feeling like I’m not wanted or needed. I don’t know if that is a hanger on issue from the marriage; or if it existed before. If it existed before, that means that I married Nancy due to comfort because she was willing to keep me in the same spot of “feeling rejected” but with the comfort of someone present so that the rejection may have been constant but tempered.
Though, thinking of Nancy, something else recently jumped into my brain. Not at all surprising, really, but interesting. When Nancy was able to select the house/residence, it was a brilliant choice - every time. Omaha was brilliant. Tiny Town was… not as brilliant but the options were fuck awful. Moving back to WDM? Choice of apartments was brilliant! Leaving there? The in between place I chose was awful… and the houses I prioritized were awful. But the house Nancy selected was brilliant! To the point where honestly.... I think, even though we were divorced… if I’d brought Nancy with me to go House Hunting in my current area? I wouldn’t have ended up in this house; but would have wound up someplace better. Which… thoughts like that do probably jump in to make my depression worse. Because it is the idea that I can’t rely on myself. I can’t rely on my own judgment. But… when you consider.... so much… that just seems like an accurate statement. I can’t rely on myself. I can’t rely on my own judgment. Too bad it’s what I have to live with, I guess.
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