Maybe I can exorcise this bullshit from my head by writing it down. I can tell you that it’s been plaguing me all weekend, so if this works, great.
On Thursday I did a small presentation at which my boss told me to do a particular slide in advance since I was taking Monday off. I wrote it down so I didn’t forget.
At some point, perhaps when doing a slide for something different, I erased my note do to the slide.
Cue Friday right before we were supposed to leave, he asked me if it was done. I swear I could feel the blood drain out of my face when I realized what I’d done. I was straightforward and said I had not, and he was like, ok get it done.
Long story short, I got it done, showed him my work, everything was fine.
So please explain to me why my brain has not let this go?
I know I felt like an ass, like I’d let him down, like I’d let myself down. But the thing that hurt the most is that this is a constant in my repertoire of fucking up. And I’m so exhausted by myself because I feel like I know better, I should be able to do better. Apparently not. This is the part of ADHD that feels most like a disability.
And for this to replay constantly throughout the weekend? Just. Not. Fucking. Necessary.
Ugh, okay, fuck off now.
This weekend was lovely. Both M and I were really struggling with our moods when we got home on Friday, but we managed to recover. We watched the new How To Train Your Dragon movie, it cannot be understated how much I love the original. The remake was almost identical, my only criticism is that the soundtrack was not as good. The music was mostly the same, but where they did decide to change it, it was not changed for the better.
We made it about halfway through the movie before M and I headed upstairs and had a lovely time. haha.
Saturday we did some work on the greenhouse (shoring up the posts and adding a board to connect the two sides of the front. Soon there will be doors, and one more course of windows and the front is done!), and spent a chunk of the day just hanging out in the catio and talking.
Just before dinner we had a visit from a friend, we met her and her dogs at a local park and I went for a swim while we all chatted and the dogs ran around. She’s such a peculiar person, riddled with anxiety but also somehow so headstrong. We chatted for almost 2 hours before we wrapped up. She came by the house, met the cats, gave me a pretty anklet with a rose and leaves on it. I’m doing an embroidery of mushrooms that I’m going to give her for her bday, which happens to be on the same day as M’s.
After she left, M and I made dinner, we finished the movie, and then headed upstairs for some fun.
Sunday M woke me up crazy early with a happy birthday. He showed me this year’s drawing, which has persistently crabby Valentino taking a swipe with his chopstick leg at a placid looking Cosmos.
OH! Last weekend M was describing Cosmos’s personality to Bastet, in the way he’s like, the center of the party but also kind of a ghost. He referred to him as “Brad”, and described how when Brad shows up at a party everyone’s like “Hey Brad! What’s good?!” And whatever Brad said would be lauded. But Brad could ghost his way out of the party and no one would notice because he’s just that cool. I’m doing a terrible job of explaining it, but it was hilarious, and we’ve been calling Cosmos Brad ever since.
M also wrote me a letter. He does this every once in a while, gets some feelings down on paper. While it was very sweet I thought it was funny how differently we approach letters like these. His was very wistful, talking about what he wishes for us. But I generally like to convey who he is to me and how he makes me better. Regardless, it was sweet and I will cherish it.
We made breakfast, and then almost immediately made plans to go to brunch (It was not the original plan, else I wouldn’t have eaten), and then the beach. M stayed home and made my birthday cake from scratch.
Unfortunately it was too cool to go swimming, but it was nice to hang out with Red and Mandy. And Bastet messaged me while we were there and I told her to join us and she did. And we layed together on the blanket and when Mandy and Red went to take saucy pictures for Red’s social media game, Bastet and I stole a few kisses.
After everyone had their fill of the beach Bastet and I went to a local aquarium store, where she had to pick something up for work. I walked out with 13 new fish - 10 neon tetras and 3 glo tetras. They look great in our tank.
Bastet came back to the house briefly, but had to drive home so she didn’t stay long.
M and I ordered a sushi platter from a place that delivers out our way, and we ate while we watched the MotoGP sprint race at Brno.
We started two movies which we very quickly tired of, so we watched a show before going upstairs for sexy time.
Birthday sexy time is always fun. You get a little more spoiled than usual. M is very good at spoiling me. I look forward to returning the favour next month.
We took today off so we could have unimpeded birthday fun on Sunday. Today kind of got derailed by a fish tank emergency. I’d already gone into town for some groceries and the wood for the greenhouse, but when I got home I needed to check something with the tank and when I put my hand in it was cold, so I thought the heater was broken, which resulted in me stopping at 3 different stores trying to find a heater for a tank the size of ours. Only to come home, pull the heater out to put the new one in, I put it on a sock because it was wet, and all of a sudden there was smoke in the house and M pulled the smoking heater off the sock. Clearly it still worked, grr.
I had a hard time shaking the mood from that really annoying chain of events. I’ve been sitting in the reading room with M, he’s reading comics and I’m reading and writing. We had a really late dinner, watched the Brno race, and otherwise had a lovely day.
I really need to win the lottery. This working thing is such a racket. I don’t want to have intrusive work thoughts interrupting my personal life. Note to self: Buy a lottery ticket. Or 12.
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