So we’ve been packing and cleaning. I’ve called my dr and I’m going to get all my medications before we leave. It’s been another day of not making any money and I used my credit card to buy food and household stuff. We have a bunch of stuff we are going to put outside on the curb because I don’t feel comfortable posting stuff on Marketplace because I feel like that could raise suspicion and we are too close to getting the fuck out of here.
I need to get my Mom’s box of crap either to her or I’m going to leave it outside at my brother’s place. I don’t know where she lives nor has she told me. My boyfriend asked if I wanted to say good bye because he’s worried about me having regrets. My regret would be saying goodbye because I don’t want her to make this hard on me nor do I want to worry about her telling my brother who could in turn tell BD and get a shit storm created.
My Mom still makes pretty much zero effort. We saw her for the first time in 3 months for my daughter’s birthday and she was on her phone the entire time. Every time she got a text, she’d have to pull it out and check it. She barely paid any attention to my daughter and it would have been better had she not come at all. My kid didn’t act like it bothered her but I know it bothered the fuck out of me.
It’s not my problem that no one makes much effort to be involved with our lives and I’m not going out of my way to let them know we are leaving just so I can deal with the guilt trip I’d deal with. I’ve been alone most of my adult life where I worked all the time to keep myself from being home staying at the walls by myself and I just don’t feel like I owe anyone an explanation or a goodbye. They made their choices and it’s my turn to make my own. You can’t make anyone care, you can’t make anyone show up and you can’t make me feel any differently than I do.
I remember about 4 years ago that I wanted to move and started getting rid of stuff and looking for places where I wanted to live. My Mom and my brother made a little bit of effort for awhile and then stopped again. I also have gotten real sick of not hearing from anyone unless it’s for the sole purpose of me being useful. It’s not about being family and having a relationship, it’s always been about what I can do for them.
We cleaned out storage last night. We don’t have to go back over there. I am so glad we had the rummage sale and got rid of almost everything. I still have plenty to get rid of. As I sit here and look around, I realize there’s still plenty more than needs to go.
My boyfriend paid for our license plates yesterday. When we got home, I started bitching about BD not paying CS and he told me that it really hurts his feelings that he takes care of us and I still worry about that mf not doing anything. It bothers me too that someone I just met a year and a half ago has done more for me and my child than the person who made me a Mom. I wish I didn’t care but I’m seriously so tired of that guy having zero accountability and there’s nothing anyone can do to make him responsible.
I’m leaving to make better money. I’m leaving to give my daughter a better life. My boyfriend wants to be able to make a living as well. Life is expensive and I want to live somewhere that the rent is more affordable, groceries are more affordable and maybe be able to get caught up! None of it’s going to happen if we stay here.
This being broke thing is getting to me. I used my credit card this morning to buy stuff we needed which hurts my credit. I seriously can’t keep living like this. It’s making me really depressed. I could understand if I didn’t work or something but I just don’t make enough and my job isn’t reliable. It’s expensive being poor. I don’t know how people go around not working when I can barely make it and I get up and go every fucking day!
We’ve gotten a lot done today and it’s looking more and more bare in every room. There’s still so much to do, get rid of, and clean but we’ve made really good progress. I’m glad that I started throwing shit away about a month ago. I’m so tired of everything being coated in dog hair though. We have too much shit and it’s so hard to clean around it so the dog hair just piles up on everything.
It’s been super humid here the last few days. I’m really sick of feeling gross all the time and my hair being frizzy. We are going to a place with really high humidity and it’s going to require me to use certain hair products. I just really pray I’m able to make a better living there. I want to stay doing side gigs because of school schedules and it doesn’t sound like they have after school programs where we are going. I think I’ll get her school records on Friday though.
I am a bit sad to be leaving simply because I’m going to miss knowing how to get around. I know the roads here and I just hope it won’t take me long to learn them there. I’m more sad about leaving what I know road-wise then the people I’m related to. I realized that my family are just a bunch of strangers. I don’t think I ever knew them and if I did, I’ve only ever seen the lies, secrets, and manipulation. There’s nothing good to say about any of them. Maybe I should feel bad but I don’t. My daughter will have pretty much zero chance in seeing her bio Dad but she doesn’t see him now nor has she ever seen him consistently. I refuse to spend any more of my life sitting around waiting for people to act right.
This morning I was thinking about BD and it’s just insane how he’s worked so hard to make me feel like I’m the POS in this and how he’s had other people reach out to call me names and threaten me when I’m the parent that stayed and sacrificed it all for their child. I seriously can’t wait until we’re packed up and hitting the road. I know I’m going to feel so much better once I’m gone. I would be so happy to never see or speak to him again. I don’t think I’ll hear from him ever again and if I do, it’s just because he’s found another girlfriend and needs to put on a show.
My boyfriend sold his old pickup and I had to go get a bill of sale. I was on my way home and saw a kid on a bike get hit by a car. I immediately called the cops and the guy that hit him took off but I let them know what he was driving and by the time I caught up, the cops already had him out of the car in hand cuffs. I seriously can’t believe what I had seen. The kid was able to get up but it looked like he probably had a broken foot. I feel so grateful that I was there because I don’t think anyone else sitting at the light was going to call the cops and get the guy arrested.
My life is about to change. I’m going to be in a brand new place, a new house, and my boyfriends family is there. I do hope to meet people and have my own friends though. I don’t have any friends here and it’s always bothered me. I didn’t really have any before I got pregnant and then once I had a kid, I was completely focused on her and my job.
We have a big event here that’s starting in a few days that I’m sad we’re going to miss out on but it’s not like I’d have a babysitter anyway. I am so pissed that I didn’t get to go with my boyfriend very much on his bike because there was never anyone to watch my daughter. I’m made out to be the asshole but yet, I’m the only one missing out on fun kid-free things. It’s just crazy how someone can be just a total fucking deadbeat but still convince other people that you are the problem. He’s just hell bent that he’s not going to take any blame at all and there’s nothing I can do to change that.
I went years without dating because I didn’t want to bring strange men around my kid and because I didn’t have a sitter to ever go do anything. I’m grateful that I found a man that’s already raised kids and knows how things work. If I wouldn’t have met him, I’d still be a single Mom and completely on my own and that’s why it makes me just rage when I think about how much BD has said I’ve kept him from his kid. Do you think I wanted to watch life pass me by?! Do you think it was fun watching everyone get to go out and do whatever they wanted and I was home watching Disney movies with my daughter every single weekend?! Nah, I wanted to live too but I didn’t get the fucking chance.
It’s going to be so nice to experience a new place and new people. I am so ready to start living and not have this drama and negativity around me anymore. I spent almost 2 months dealing with worrying about a custody order. I firmly believe that he enjoyed what he was putting me through. He even said that if we agree to 50/50, I’ll have to pay him but he’d give the money back. Um, what?! Nah, you owe me like 12K now! Why the fuck would I have to pay you? He really thought all this was going to be completely in his favor and I guarantee he still wouldn’t be a Dad! I could image not hearing from him for MONTHS and then him turn around and want her spur of the moment and then if I said no, I’d be reminded there’s a court order!
It’s just been a really fun game for him and I can’t wait until I’m gone and he doesn’t know where I live. It was pretty funny watching him in the court room and how he started the whole thing by lying to the judge and tried to say that he never sees his child, like he’s NEVER seen her and it’s like bro do you honestly believe I’m going to just sit here while you lie?! Nah, I put my hand up and said, “he just saw her on Sunday, your honor” and it started going down hill from there. I could feel it. Then he said how he didn’t have a license but could still drive and I was smiling on the inside. What a stupid mf! Then said it would be inconvenient to have to do exchanges at the Sheriff’s office! Yeah well when you’ve created the problems you have, I feel that it’s in BOTH our interests to meet where there’s police officers!
People create their own storms and then get upset when it rains. He’s created every single one of his problems with me on his own. It’s sad when you can’t co-parent because someone is crazy and a trouble maker. It’s inconvenient for me that I’ve had to transport her to and from visits, never know when I’m to get her back, provide food and clothes, and have him blowing up my phone the whole time he has her too!
Anyways, I gotta get the little one in the shower. More tomorrow.
Loading comments...