So I’ve been fucking up my meds and the side effects are really annoying. I’m dealing with intrusive thoughts, but fortunately they’re run of the mill anxiety and not persistent wanting to not exist. But they come unbidden at really inopportune times, and about stupid stuff. I want to write it down to exorcise it but it’s just so stupid and I know once I’ve taken my meds consistently it will likely disappear.
On top of it I’m having serious rejection sensitivity due to M throwing out his back and us not having our usual sex fest weekend. This is the stupid thing about rejection sensitivity: logic does nothing to dispel it. I know M is hurt. I know he wants me. I know he’d rather bang than be stuck with an agonizing back… none of that is enough to stop my body from feeling hollow, feeling empty, and having resentful thoughts about M. I hate it. It is like depression in that it lies to me.
ANYWAY.
This weekend we had a visit from EECG, who moved to the Capitol region right before the pandemic. Her and her husband travel back east fairly regularly, sometimes twice a year, to see family and friends. She wasn’t doing the full East Coast tour so she only had one night, which she spent at our place. Once again being chosen by her. I also invited one of her work friends - who I am trying to cultivate a friendship with - so the three of us sat around and chatted for a few hours until the friend went home and EECG went to bed.
None of us really slept well, and EECG decided to leave first thing in the morning so she could get to her destination and have a nap, instead of going to brunch with Red and I.
Red and I still went, and it was nice, though my anxiety was going nuts and I couldn’t stop fidgeting.
M and I have been sitting around all day, him reading comics and me reading ACOTAR on my phone. I have been talking about reading something fluffy and fiction, and a friend sent me the epub, so I figured why the hell not. I’ve read 28% so far. It’s… not great. But I haven’t stopped reading yet. I’m just not very invested in the characters.
This week is going to be ramping up to my flight home on Friday, so I need to pack. I’m packing stained glass pieces that I’ve made, that’s going to be fun. M’s giving a pair of boots to my sister, so I have to carry those home too. I decided early on to check a bag, which I normally don’t do, but ever since they charge for carry on bags it makes no sense to pay for that when I get checked baggage for free.
This week cannot pass fast enough.
But I really really just want to fuck my husband.
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