I’ve had a scathing respect for my mother’s capacity for premonitions.
Scathing, because, she is paranoid, controlling, neurotic, etc
Respect, because in spite of her flaws and blatant misuse of it, her capacity was usually correct.
And I have had this battle since I was conceived; the wholesale dissolution of my identity by the way of fear, threats, withholding of the very sense of peace that is required to ask “who am I?”
The terror of being right- of revealing that I know reality through this identity that is so antithetical to my parent-Gods.
The horror of healing the so-called “incurable” and transcend the cage imposed upon me- the indoctrinated seeking of approval from the parent -Gods.
Will this offend you? Will I be quiet enough? Will I get away with it? Will I be hunted down like a dog and punished?
Incomprehension and a deep well of sadness pervaded my experience as my parents told me things I knew not to be true, and I had to tow the line or risk… Untold viscousness. The incomprehension wasn’t just about my parents. It was about the fact that I didn’t want to be in a reality where evil can do despicable things to innocents without remorse, or repercussion. It seemed to me, because this reality was cleverly withheld from me, that GOD was not here. I existed in a nihilistic material prison in which evil did as it pleased, and it would never let me out.
And yet… I knew they were lies when they were told to me as truth.
I had a Sense. A Knowing. An Experience that persisted and that could never be reached from outside.
That was my only identity. Pure direct experience.
And in many ways, this direct experience was honed, and finessed, and finished, by these pressures it endured.
As I came into my Knowing, little by little, I began just Being. At first I thought it was just my parents who were bent on scooping out my identity and replacing it with compliance, but that quickly extended to include family, friends, acquaintances, school, church, media, military, healthcare, government,
Then, COVID -the biggest birthing of a lie that I had yet been aware of- apparently swept away the entire world and I really leaned into just Being. That is when I really began to conceive of a new world view.
It’s not them against me.
It’s them against GOD.
I had very few steps between Knowing in my Beingness that the entire world- starting with my parents - are fighting tooth and nail to the end of their fibers to prevent me from grasping the Spiritual nature of my life, reality, the universe, and everything.
If any one human being comes to this realization, it is just the same.
Materialistic minds will guffaw and exclaim that this is incredibly narcissistic - that the entire world revolves around ME. That is the point- I AM the GOD within me.
If any one human being comes to this realization, it is just the same.
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