I don’t get to say this often, but thank god it’s Friday.
I’ve been so disconnected from myself. Detached. I’m very aware that I have surrendered to my dopamine loops. A little suffering is good for the soul. Was my mantra at the start of the year. I tried to live that by just reducing my screen time last night, but I failed. I made space for that discomfort, and it felt the way it did when I was craving a cigarette. I need to get this under control. My eyes will thank me for it.
All work and no play. My job has become my whole world. There isn’t a balance. I judge Jonah for this, and here I am, always thinking about work. I am so exhausted when I get home. My ADHD symptoms are so bad. I can’t will myself to do the basics. My basics. ADHD can’t touch the routine part of the brain, but here I am chasing my tail while everything piles up. I’ll get this under control. I always do.
What is throwing me off is that my shifts have changed. It’s summer and our kids are not in school, so we are working Monday to Friday during the day. I’m not getting that Monday to myself. No me time. I cashed in on some wellness hours and started two hours late on Tuesday just so I could be alone for a little bit. I need a day with no input, and my roommate is always around.
I had a win the other day. A couple of weeks ago, I had an emergency car repair. My car wouldn’t turn off. It was the wiring. I called my dealership, and they were going to make me wait 24 days for a diagnostic. I needed them to do that diagnostic to get access to the extra warranty I paid for. I was backed into a corner and had to take my car elsewhere. I got the company I bought the warranty from to reimburse me for most of the repair. That was such a relief.
All work and no play. I need to go out and have fun. Actual fun. I need to let myself enjoy things. I had that realization when I had my last Somatic session. I wasn’t able to let myself feel silly. I’m very aware of other things I can’t bring myself to do, like make eye contact. Maybe I am on the spectrum.
I’m still trying to take a step back and let my coordinator take control, but it is hard. I’m a Capricorn, and I want things done right. No junk steps. Yesterday, I’m confident that one of our kids stole a $100 gift card from my wallet. I’ll have to wait until I’m in the office to confirm that. I am hoping that it is in my binder. That gift card is used to cover some of our program costs; it isn’t mine, personally. I’m going to feel so much relief if it is in there.
We got called out by our Youth Manager, who sees that we are having a lot of fun activities with the kids and not enough Cultural Education. That made my eye twitch. The cheek, the nerve, audacity, the gull & and the gumption. It was tone deaf to me because we were working with an Elder. They made us pause our work with him in March. We have been nagging them about it so we could resume. Then he quit us because he was worried that he would get us in trouble because he has priors. We were talking with the other coordinators about that. We want to decolonize policy and not create barriers for people who have priors. They pulled Youth Manager into the office we were in to air out our grievances about it. Then he tells us that our Elder had specific priors that they won’t tolerate. I’m annoyed because there was a decision made that we were not informed about. We were left in the dark, waiting instead of moving on to find another Elder or Knowledge Keeper. Also, our cultural programming isn’t always on our calendars. It is embedded in the program. We took our kids boxing yesterday, but before we left, we introduced them to their bundles and taught them how to lead a ceremony. Then we taught them a song on the hand drum. It was a special moment, really. A knowledge keeper happened to be at the office, and she came and joined us. Amber came and sang with us, also.
We were told that we need to go visit our other sites and network. I’m down for that. My nonprofit has so many programs. The sexual wellness lodge has a naming ceremony on Tuesday that I am interested in. The knowledge keeper who came to the office is leading that ceremony. I asked her so many questions about that process. It’s so cool. She said she first learned she could see the visions when she went to her first naming ceremony. She said she saw the animal when her friend went first. She felt the wind right before she was named, which is she who walks with all the winds. I really want to be in the Buffalo clan. I told her. My family is one that lost their traditions because of Residential Schools, so I don’t know what clan I could have inherited, but I feel a strong connection to the buffalo. I feel like my name would have to do with Wendigo. I’m a backwards person. A devil’s advocate, in a captured essence.
We have a drop-in centre for kids that has a low turnout. They want us to drop in with our kids to get their numbers up. It’s desperate, but I can swing that. Not that it is my responsibility.
Anyway, I finally slept the whole night. No interruptions. It’s been a long ass time. I’m gonna go hit the gym. I dragged that out this week because we were returning to our boxing class yesterday, and it is so shitty when you have DOMS.
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