Comparison is the thief of joy and FOMO is emotional manipulation. There are some frustrating inconsistencies with knowing things but still having human emotions. It is rather like being able to say, “I recognize the color in front of me is the color Orange but I don’t know what that means!”
Intellectually, I know backwards and forwards that people do life at all different speeds and that “achieving” anything doesn’t mean it has been achieved “your” way. A few hypothetical examples to avoid talking so abstractly?
I know that two people learning to ride a bike will not learn at the same rate. One person may learn the bike after a day of trial and error; another person may learn the bike after months of struggle. It does not cheapen “learning the bike” if you had a more difficult time learning. It does not necessarily reflect negatively on you. I know that.
So, too, I know that.... were it my goal to win a 1st Place Trophy, I cannot presume that someone else having won a 1st place trophy is equivalent! Perhaps the sport I am attempting is Archery and I must travel long distances and compete with Nationally Ranked Opponents. Winning that first place trophy is a damned sight different than the person that enters a fishing tournament and is the 1st Place winner as the only person who caught a fish. That last one happened to me by the way. I have a 1st Place Fishing Trophy because nobody else caught fish that day but me. BUT… you see how one cannot think “They have a 1st place trophy?! I’m still working towards mine, this sucks!” I know that.
But as stated… knowing something does not always (or often) protect one from feeling something quite different!
Last night, I found out that a friend from my last Town just got engaged. There are multiple ways of wigging out of various meanness levels.
The first one I went to? Forget any “we’ve been single the same amount of time and she got engaged” because… it’s not even that. She was still married when I moved. So… not “both separated around 2020, divorced, and she’s now getting married”.... this is “was still actively married in 2022 and not separated”.... and went through (because we talked, so I know she went through the stages) separated, divorced, dating to now engaged. So… not “did what I could not with the same time”.... much more “did what I could not with half the time!”
The second one I went to? This is a woman with two children who have needs and lives and… are between 7 and 12. So… childless with less restraints versus 2 children. Of course my mind immediately responds that… such may be a contributing factor. A woman with children still seems to get all sorts of attention, love, and support… and many men who want a family without needing to put in the Baby Years are even more drawn to women that are similarly situated.... whereas a 40 year old man without kids sends more of a “virgin/loser/there’s a reason vibe that might make the childless man seem particularly undesirable.
The third one I went to is the most cruel; but it comes from a place of reflecting attitudes. You see, my friend is considerably heavy. When I say considerably, I don’t mean “a bigger girl who is worried about her weight”, I mean… a much bigger woman, the kind Nancy would have made terribly cruel “medically concerned” statements about. A thing that, as she was getting separated/divorced, my friend mentioned worried her. One of the “I know bigger girls say dating apps are hard; how much harder are they going to be for me?” kind of statements.
So..... a heavy woman with kids can get separated, divorced, resolve custody battles, find a man, begin dating, and get engaged faster than I can unpack my damned house?! ARE YOU KIDDING?!
And that’s the dichotomy(?)
I know a bunch of things! I know that my friend finding happiness is, actually, in no way a bad thing for me. How fast or slow someone else’s life changes doesn’t mean that your life isn’t going the pace it needs to! I know that. I also know that my friend finding happiness is, actually, in no way a guarantee that it is the kind of happiness I’m looking for. I suppose technically I could have proposed to Hermia and expected a Yes and then if all I wanted was “family” or “fiancée” I’d be able to say “Yes, I have that.” But as I am looking for something less unhealthy; I made positive choices for myself. SO… my friend’s engagement is purely a “Be happy for them” with that strong caveat “And stop thinking it means there’s something wrong with you. You aren’t going too slowly, being too demanding, and this isn’t evidence that you’re inherently undesirable, unlovable, and unwanted!” I know all of that. But, as I would often try to explain with therapists who stared at me blankly with little to say on it… I excel at knowing things; I’m still not great at believing them in my heart. I can sit here and rationally explain why comparison is the thief of joy and FOMO doesn’t apply to life milestones. I can discuss the mechanisms and the social/emotional interplay that makes us think negative things when people we care about experience positive things. Especially when it relates to things we deeply want and struggle with. I can come up with parables, allegories, and examples of deeply wanting something and someone else getting it and that just happens and isn’t a referendum on any person’s ability or inability to get the same. I can recite a book full of palliative statements as to why a person’s life may go a different direction than they want and how to navigate “the waters of change” and everything from every book I read (or could have written) in the last four years. All of that is of the mind. I know that women who want to date and get married, generally, can do so much faster and with more success than men who feel the same. Hell, consider the ease with which Nancy had overnight dates while still living with her still married to husband! She’d had 3 boyfriends between November and June during the start of COVID… I didn’t get a Dating App Date until 2023! So, there are many many logical reasons why what is going on is going on and doesn’t say a damned thing about my situation at all. My mind knows, understands, and firmly accepts all of this. The heart is the moron. The heart is the one that can’t seem to grasp the intellectual, rational, reasonable shit. The heart is the one whispering how I’m unlovable, or unworthy, or unwanted and… this seems to be a familiar refrain. My brain can argue with the heart but the heart is… either less willing or less capable of really embracing the reality of the logical or rational.
Which I do begin to wonder if that is… a significant heart of many of my problems? If the argument between logic and feeling is merely the grand paradox of humanity. And if so, maybe that is why (statistically speaking) stupid people are happier. The closer one’s mind is to their heart; the happier they are. So either don’t work to elevate the brain so much; or find a way to elevate the heart as well. But… it’s not just “elevate the heart”. I think of things like E.Q. and… I can read another dozen books on emotional intelligence, another half dozen books on why cycles of abuse repeat patterns, and listen to three more podcasts about building boundaries in healthy relationships. But if it is just knowledge and information… it’s like “Okay, I’m feeding the brain more stuff about the heart. I need to make the heart smarter, or work better, or get out of the way.”
Work today was okay for the most part. Slow. Things easily taken care of. Even got the CPAP issue sorted out. But before I left? 29 page motion from King SovCit Psychopath. I’m so sick of the insane assholes, criminal bullshit, and totally broken minds. And I say that in a way that connects to the above writing. Because TRULY TRULY had I an emotional refuge? Someone to just… fall into, we make dinner and watch a movie, and let the outside bullshit slip away..... had I that in my life? I do think this shit wouldn’t get to me as much. Because a ray of sunshine can cut through any number of storm clouds. And as Hallmark as that sounds… well… I’m more upset that it sounds co-dependent. But honestly- is it co-dependent and if it is, what do NON co-dependent people do when they are bombarded by nut jobs? What would the non-co-dependent coping mechanism be to demanding, ranting, irrational nutjobs on a regular basis?
After work was cleaning then Superman then back to cleaning. Currently publishing this while waiting for the movie to start. I am one of those guys that gets to the theater 30 minutes early. I am closer to the screen than usual but I don’t have to crane my neck. It is just close enough that the screen seems to surround me which adds to the mystique of being in the theater for it.
Oh, and the woman on Hinge decided to ask me if I wanted to meet up next week. So… I will respond in the affirmative and we’ll see what happens!
Wishing for good on all fronts. Wishing for good for the Superman film and the potential date!
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