It was a really awesome birthday weekend for my daughter. We had so much fun. We did the arcade thing, spent time outside at a fun park, then picked up her cake on Saturday. My Mom came for cake and ice cream on Sunday and to do presents.
She tells me that right after my Dad had been put out, he got a letter from Social Security stating he was going to get a $1,500 check. Well, she got it and never told him. So she had 10 bands from her house money and that money. I was fucking livid. I didn’t show it though. I stayed pleasant and didn’t say a thing about it. After she left, my boyfriend and I were both sitting in the living room and he actually brought it up. He said that he didn’t care but he knows that I do because I feel owed. Uh yeah, I sure do. I’ve helped those people with thousands of dollars over the years. We helped them move. I gave up several days of work to help.
I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing she had gotten that extra money and done away with it. I’m just confused on how it all went to “bills” when he paid the lot rent before he got put out and all other bills are less than $100 each. I even helped them with groceries several times as well. Again, it’s no wonder why I feel the way I do.
So as I was on my way to get daughter from school, I get the email from the landlord. We are to be out by the end of July so we have a lot of shit to do. We have a lot of stuff to get rid of and plan to have a massive sale on Saturday. There’s a ton of stuff I’m giving away as well. I am also listing stuff online too. We are going to have limited space and there’s a lot of condensing that has to happen. We got a bunch of boxes today and need to start filling them but I want to get rid of what we aren’t taking first.
There’s a lot of preparations that we are thinking about. We have animals as well. We have a motorcycle and we aren’t sure how we are going to haul it because it’s expensive to buy or even rent a trailer. I’m worried about my bills. I gotta get my daughter’s school records before we go. We still haven’t found a place to live there yet. My boyfriend says he’s going to have a nest egg and we are just going to go. I’m hoping to reach landlords before we get there and have a place right when we pull into town. It’s just hard to determine what’s legit and what isn’t.
I’m worried about kids Dad. He threatened over the weekend that he’s petitioned for custody again. I called and they didn’t have anything, yet. I’m still leaving. He wants her over the weekend to take her to a belated birthday dinner and I’m terrified of her spilling the beans. If he was a normal person that understood about needing to find affordable rent, it would be so much easier but he’s never had to pay rent or utilities or worry about the expense of a fucking care so talking to him about any of this would not only fall on deaf ears but give him reason to keep me here with another petition. In this case, I would rather ask for forgiveness than permission.
I’m excited but really stressed out. I wish we could go right now before he petitions again. I’m seriously terrified. My boyfriend says they’d have to serve me first. But what if we get there and then I have to come all the way back for court?! OMG, I just wish he was a normal person where I could tell him we are leaving and we will be back for holidays and he would still be able to talk to her on the phone and shit but there’s no reasoning with him. I have never been able to have a rational conversation with him and now isn’t the time to try.
My boyfriends parents are there and they would help with her so I could get a real job and even go back to school. I want to have an actual career one day and the only way that’s going to happen is if I have support. I’ve never had that here and that’s not going to change. My family has never been a family nor do they care about what struggles I’ve had all along. My Mom is still not really interested in our lives and never will be.
My Mom went outside with my daughter yesterday to watch her ride her new bike and my boyfriend asked if I was going to rip off the band-aid. Meaning am I going to tell her we’re leaving. I said no because she’s already lonely and I want to spare her feelings. Then, after I’m made aware of even MORE money that she had and didn’t bother to say a fucking word about it, I realize that ya know, these people have NEVER spared my feelings so why the fuck am I sparing hers?
I plan to tell everyone once we get there. I don’t need anyone trying to talk me out of moving nor do I need anyone trying to bully me into staying. I’ve waited my whole life to make this change and I’m ready. I don’t think it’s healthy to spend your whole life living in your hometown. The only thing I’m going to miss is knowing where everything is and now I’ll have to GPS my way around. I’m leaving behind hurt, pain, and anger.
So, I’m hoping kids Dad will just not message me for the weekend. He’s pretty good about making plans and then going ghost so let’s hope he does that. I don’t want to have to make up excuses because that could provoke him to do another petition as well. Rock meets hard place. I just want to have a better life for my kid but he wouldn’t see it that way. He would be mean and nasty about it and scare me into staying. I’m not dealing with that. He doesn’t get to make the rules. He’s chosen to be an absent parent all along and I shouldn’t be sitting around waiting for him to show interest every once in a while. It’s doing more harm than good. But, according to him, I’m to blame for him being a deadbeat so there’s that.
I worked a little bit this morning. I have enough for my car note but I need money to pay on my light bill and my credit card. I will never have that card paid off unless I start making huge payments and it’s starting to get to me. They just keep adding interest and I seriously understand why people just stop paying it. But I have to because I might need that card to renew my tags at the end of August.
Honestly, I just need to start praying. I’m really stressed out and the anxiety is running through me like a freight train. I can’t relax and my mind is all over the map.
Anyways, I’m going to hang out with the daughter. More tomorrow.
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