An excellent example of what my career is, or at least who I am dealing with in this career:
As I got to work and walked to my office, there was already someone sparring with the receptionist. I listened in as I walked past as the receptionist said my name but not in such a way as to call my attention. The person at the desk essentially said, “Yeah, I got court at 10 a.m. this morning but I’m not coming to that. I got work. So, you need to get me the attorney that handles that shit so I can do that.” That… isn’t how any of this works. ::sigh::.... I am not your attorney. Nor am I the path forwards when you do not wish to comply with the courts. You don’t want to attend your scheduled court hearing? You need to talk to a judge or file something in your case or acquire your own attorney who can appear, or talk to the judge, or file something in your case. I don’t have Court at 10:00. I am not involved with Court at 10:00. I literally have nothing to do with Court at 10:00. But the individual was insistent that “Yeah, I got traffic court at 10 but I ain’t gonna be there. So you need to get me the attorney that handles that shit.” Well… if it is traffic court.... you can just pay the ticket. If you want to contest the ticket, you will need to appear for Court hearings. If you cannot appear for a Court hearing; you need to communicate with the Court that you would like the matter continued. To do that, you will need to talk to a judge or file something in your case. Because only the judge can decide if they will continue the matter or not. And I realize that fewer and fewer people use their brains or even have any knowledge over how the government works… but I’m going to need people to understand that when I say, “Only a judge may rule on your requests” that I’m not just looking to not do my job. My job is not to substitute in for a judge because it is more convenient for you! It is not acceptable, as in this case, when you can’t get a judge, to immediately storm the County Attorney’s Office as a backup. And I know this is essentially the same complaint that I had in my last job; but it is slightly different. In my last job, the damned Magistrate would send people directly to me because he did not want to do his job. So, he would abdicate doing his job to my responsibility. You can see how that became very annoying for me… being required to do my job and his. But here? We have five Magistrates and multiple windows for which even Pro Se Defendants may file or even get assistance to file things in their cases. But it is like the Great Retail Frustration- you can never make a sign big enough, clear enough, or accessible enough that customers will actually see it. A person can be standing in front of a giant bright yellow sign saying “FREE TOASTER WITH PURCHASE: SEE CASHIER FOR DETAILS” and they will still grab a random associate to ask “I heard about a free toaster with purchase deal, where do I go for information on that?”
And that is leading back into the actual metaphor I intended to discuss today. Because my job for most of the last 13 years has been to deal almost exclusively with criminals. Not attorneys. Directly one on one with the insane, the violent, the stupid, the selfish, the incarcerated, the drug addicted, the bull headed, the arrogant… quite literally the very people most citizens go out of their way to avoid.... are the very people I am forced to deal with hundreds of times a day. And this is… just part of living in this area, actually. There are roughly 10,000 attorneys in the entire state. That is 10,000 attorneys for over 3 million people. Then take into account that every case typically involves 3 attorneys (1 for each party and an attorney as judge). So, truly, that number breaks down to a little over 3,000 attorneys available for a little over 3 million people. Or 1 attorney per 1,000 people. And that doesn’t take into account the fact that not every attorney does (or even CAN) do every sort of case. Companies in Iowa like John Deere, Hy Vee, Principle Financial, Casey’s Convenience, Meredith Corporation… they all have attorneys, usually more than 1, that only serve the company’s interests and are actually forestalled from representing people. So the real reality? Literally 50% of the state is a Legal Desert. Meaning that people do not have proper access to an attorney. This isn’t terribly surprising as Iowa is largely a Medical Dessert as well. In fact, Iowa rates in last place for OBGYN per Capita in the entire Country. You’ve all heard me discuss how Iowa ranks dead last for Mental Health access. The truth is… very sincerely and very literally.... the educated are leaving the State.... because of how the State’s policies, politics, and people are breaking things left and right. Why practice medicine in a state that may arrest you for a D&C? Why practice law in a state that balks at paying more than $78 per hour for an attorney? Sure, things may be more expensive in other ways, but going a few hours north to Minnesota is better for Doctors and Attorneys (and the college educated, apparently). So I know that’s a big ol’ advertisement for “CHRIS- move! Clearly something isn’t fulfilling you; so go to a different state!” And you’re probably right. But that genuinely takes a lot of work! Including, because of when I took the bar exam… more examinations, more testing, more paperwork (all of which have 3 digit or 4 digit price tags) before I could even consider moving. And here’s the really real and sadly true part of even any of that........ it won’t actually solve anything. If my problem is people then that problem goes with you in any state, in any job, everywhere.
So, many asked why I spent energy on the psychopath referenced in my last entry? And the genuine answer is multi-layered. Yes, there is a part of me that just got.. panicked and made a bad choice. Yes, there is a part of me that foolishly sincerely hoped I could convince that guy of the truth: I am not who he thinks I am. Yes, there is a part of me that thought “IF someone is using my identity to scam people, I want to help the victims because this needs to stop.” And all of that is true. All of that did play a part in what happened. But the biggest piece? The largest answer? Because for 13 years, I’ve been required to deal with people like that and I did not/do not have the option to simply say, “Go fuck yourself, crazy” and walk away. Whether the jail law library where I had a Federal Government Requirement to deal with the likes of Nico Jenkins and Dontevous Loyd in person, one on one, in their fucking cells. Or the Tiny Town job where I had to argue with an inflated and corrupt government for why the county needed an attorney in the first place. Or the small county government jobs where we didn’t have attorneys in the County, so I had to deal with every single criminal one on one and in person just to go about my day. Or here… where, despite being one of the 5 most populous county’s in the state… even we don’t have attorneys so I have to deal with every single criminal one on one and in person. Dealing with raging psychopaths threatening me, speaking nonsense, and making ridiculous impossible and irrational demands.... is just… an expected part of my fucking day. So my natural and learned response isn’t to hit the block button and move on. Because for 99% of the interactions that look and feel that same way- I’m not permitted to hit a block button and move on. Trust that in the situation with “Tony”, I have hit the block button and reported it all to the police. The police, who specifically said that they didn’t see the messages as threatening, by the way. But yes… I have since blocked this psychopath. Freeing me up to deal with the… currently two to three dozen just as psychopathic nut jobs at work.
And truthfully… this is one of the reasons I wish that Nancy and I could have just… worked. I know it couldn’t have. When she tearfully admits that she never loved me like that, it pretty much seals it. And I can rehash why she married me despite that because I understand it all logically very well. But… going through these psychos with someone is easier. Going through it all entirely alone is… considerably difficult. Going through it all entirely alone while trying to find someone is… fuck. I expend so much just surviving the psychos, that I really don’t have a lot of bandwidth for “Swiping on 75 people, sending a thoughtful message on 35 profiles, and winding up in a single conversation that is best represented by an image of a text wall and the response “you?” THIS is one of the many many reasons why I always do SO MUCH BETTER mentally and emotionally when I’m working on a show! Because I have a community there. Because I can leave all of the psychos behind and work on something with people and just… for a few hours… I’m not Alone or With Pyschos. There’s a third thing!
It’s also worth noting that my mind goes more towards “if only Nancy and I could have worked” and not to “if only Hermia and I could have worked.” Nancy often made me feel alone but Hermia was.... too demanding? Is that the expression I want to use? If my energy is being drained, I don’t need my relationship to also be a place of drain. Honestly, it is why the other place my brain goes is to Victoria (and not Essen). While the whole Cule thing had lots of problems and certainly was draining… the August through October wasn’t bad. It was pretty good, really. So… yeah. There’s the impossible spectrum! I would either like a mutually supportive, comfortable fulfilling relationship where we can just sit in the same room working on our own things and still feel connected.... or an athletic, orgasmic, sexually dynamic, adventurous Friend With Benefits. Or both of those in the same person, ideally. We’re.... six months in to the new year.... and I have already spent more than $500 on Matchmaking Services, Dating Apps, Speed Dating, and all of that shit. From that “investment”, I have had three dates. That is an efficiency rate of… it takes between $150 and $200 to get me a single date. So far. We’ll see how much more money gets sunk and if I get more dates. If the financial number doubles but the date number stays the same at the end of the year? That means that it will actually even out to between $300 and $350 to get me a single date. But honestly… truthfully… as much as I can be… I am optimistic that the date number will increase. Not sure by how many. Or when. But I am confident that number will increase! I kind of have to be.
Truly changing tracks here: I am noticing that the heat and the sun sap my will. This is not new information. Hell, I’m drinking from the thermos we bought in Hawaii after my hospital-level skin burns from when we realized I might have a slight allergy to the sun! So… “the heat means I don’t want to do anything” is certainly not newsworthy. But it is newsworthy when it means that I just.. loaf. As an example: last night, I took Nala to the dog park. Her first time back there for at least two weeks or so. And yeah… as soon as she realized it was a Dog Park Afternoon, she lost her tiny little mind! LOVED IT. Ran, rolled, barked, played. We spent a solid 90 minutes or so out there. But of course it was hot. And muggy. And bloody filled with Mosquitoes. So, upon returning home? It was not “Let’s get to cleaning, and working, and getting through our checklist!” It was more “Now, let’s immediately grab whatever we need for the evening and hide away in the basement which stays a solid 10 degrees cooler than the rest of the house at all times!” Frankly… considering the July of it all… there’s nothing terribly wrong with that. Even though the basement isn’t as secure as the last house, Nala still understands that Basement w/Daddy is the safe place when the sky starts to explode. But of course… I can’t just spend my time playing video games, watching Anime, and ignoring the things that need to get done… that have needed to get done for years now. I have an obligation to myself if nothing else.
Thing is? It’s also happening at the office. This is a multi-layered thing, too. The Intern had to survive almost entirely on his own last week, so coming in and suddenly saying “Thanks for covering, now sit back down!” So… the office is actually hot and muggy (hotter and muggier than the Courtrooms themselves!). And most of the work right now is “covering and supervising” instead of the… actually doing that I’ve been handling for the previous 3 years. So… at work… I’m hot, it’s muggy, and there’s not as much to do. So… yeah. I just feel, in most places, hot and muggy and not productive.
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