I originally wrote a bit of a private thing but honestly? Provided I’m not a dick I don’t see why I shouldn’t own this. Besides… I am kind of looking for advice.
SO… right before leaving work… I got another 19 paragraph threatening, rambling, psychotic stupid fucking e-mail from the fucking sovereign citizen. With more shit that summarizes into “You have to play by the rules as I dictate them; not by whatever bullshit rules you’re lying to me about! I know the law better than you do, lawyer-man! I’ve done internet research!!” all ending with (direct quote here) “If you will not comply with my demands in writing and to my satisfaction within 72 hours, this case and all related cases will be dismissed with a written apology from you personally for harming me and violating my rights and I will retain the right to file suit against you for personal damages.” THE FUCK YOU WILL! SO… leaving work… to go to my show… getting that… was a bit much.
Then, again, as I’m leaving that bullshit… I get a text. A friend of mine is in the hospital far away, suspected suicide attempt. Now, I do worry for my friend. And she may well read this if she recovers so I do not want her to feel like a burden or anything of the sort. But… this was just… pushing me past the borders of the emotions I had time, energy, and availability for. This is the selfish description because (again) I do worry for my friend but… considering the emotion I was just coming from… I thought FUCK! I do not have time or the emotional bandwidth for this! I can’t be getting assaulted like this from a psychotic sovereign citizen asshole, prepare to go on stage, and deal with “There’s nothing you can do, but you need to have an emotionally appropriate and socially supportive response to this.”
So, driving to the theater and getting ready in the theater… I try to stay in contact with this far away contact who is informing me about the friend in the hospital and everything. But when I get to the theater, I need to start shifting into character prep! So, I start playing specific character music to try to get me where I need to be. As I walk in to the staging/pre-staging area, however, one of our female actors is like… almost to tears, barely holding herself together due to an awkward day dog sitting for her brother. So… the backstage is grinding almost to a halt because this person “is almost to tears” because of a dog sitting issue.... and… yeah, hate me as much as you want. I feel for her, as much I can. Our lives outside of the theater can absolutely suck and trust me, I know! But also… leave that shit in your car or sit in the lobby or be somewhere besides the staging/pre-show area! Like… you don’t have to be here for another twenty minutes. You came here to do this. If you came here because you knew you had supportive and loving friends who would try to make you feel better? Okay. Awesome. Glad for it. Please move it somewhere where you can have SOCIAL HOUR not a WORK SPACE. I know I’m being a dickheaded monster but fuck! I’m trying to balance SOVCIT, Maybe Dying Friend, all while performing the lead in this fucking show. Please take your five people chattering and waving hands to disperse the negative energy (legitimately something they were doing I shit thee nay) elsewhere. Please. I am trying to push past my own massive emotions, stressors, and shit to try to be where I need to be for this show!
SO… that was… where I started the show. Which… all things considered, fucking up a line shouldn’t be considered the personal failure of the year. However, of course, I am furious and disappointed with myself! Because it wasn’t a minor line. It was a fun line, that usually gets a laugh, and is an important cue line to bring people onto the stage. And it disappeared from my mind entirely when I needed it most. So I’m standing there. Alone on stage. Struggling, in great difficulty, in fucking silence trying to figure out if I can’t remember the fucking line… what can I do or say to indicate that the people waiting for me to say the line should just get the fuck on stage and bail my ass out. It was incredibly disappointing and frustrating and made me very angry with myself. BUT again… all things considered, it makes sense. I mean, I missed one line with all of this other bullshit on my mind. But… welcome to me. Significant failure, even once, is to be punished!
Otherwise, it was a great audience. Some really solid scene work! It wasn’t terrible.
Now upon leaving the theater… I was still… heavy with emotion. Emotion regarding the shit at work, emotion regarding my friend, emotion regarding my failure on stage… then my mind turned to wanting advice on whether I should make an effort on the new show. If I don’t audition, I won’t make it in. If I don’t make it in… Shakespeare may be the only show I do this year. However, the only “objectionable” thing about the show is the homosexual making out in two scenes. But… with my mind and emotions as they are these days? Is that best for me? Would playing a character rebelling against his own sexuality while also giving into it trigger me to be just more pissed off about the absolute lack of romantic life or sex life in my reality? It’s certainly possible. And I thought very clearly, not for the first time, but maybe not as strong as now… I WISH I HAD A FRIEND IN REAL LIFE THAT I COULD GRAB COFFEE WITH AND HAVE REAL, HONEST, GENUINE CONVERSATIONS! I love MBFITWW but “should I do this show?” isn’t even close to what we talk about. Or what I would bring up with him. I just… I haven’t really had a real, deep, “get coffee and share authentically” friend in… too long. And upon thinking that… all of the emotions I was already feeling welcome depression and sadness to the Negative Emotion Mountain.
Combine all of that with the one errand I needed to do before I went home? I needed to go to the store to get some more shampoo. And rest assured the whole time I was in the parking lot, deep in my mountain of negative feelings, I was thinking “I shouldn’t get a drink. I shouldn’t get whiskey, or rum, or beer, or anything like that. I need to just… not do that. Don’t let these kinds of thoughts and feelings force you into drinking.” And then I went inside the store. And I felt and thought much the same. So, my brain was saying “Okay… no alcohol. I know what you’re thinking. No. Stop that. No wine, either. No, wine coolers are not an exception. If you want something to make you feel better, let’s swing by the bakery!” Can you tell where this is going? Because “sugary, fatty bullshit” instead of “alcohol” isn’t exactly healthy. Or better. And my brain, already in a bad place, hammered me for it. I mean… seeing the photos and videos from this show already makes me feel like a worthless fat fucking disgusting blob. So… let’s not add chocolate cake instead of whiskey as a response!!
And it is in that mind that I return home. Ending my week alone with my dog watching Anime.
Trying hard to stay sober despite the mountain of emotions.
Wondering if I really should try out for this new show or not.
Wondering if, perhaps, my time might be better spent hitting a gym and trying to form a body that… might be acceptable to me or in any way pleasing to the fairer sex.
Committing myself to making sure my parents being here this weekend is a positive.
Dedicating myself to making the two Outdoor Record Heat performances left something memorable.
Contemplating work and the various bullshit issues stemming from it.
Just… not in a great place emotionally, if I’m being honest.
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