Okay so the weekend went awry. Saturday he was an asshole all day long. Sunday rolls around and he’s still being an asshole. I think his daughter set it off by saying she’d been replaced. He shampooed the carpets in my daughter’s room and made wings for lunch. We were kinda okay and then he kept coming out of the bedroom saying emotionally abusive things. Then started in that I needed to clean out the cat little box. I did and then cleaned up the kitchen. He proceeded to keep saying really hurtful, degrading things to me in front of my kid and so we went to the fountains for awhile.
Well, we get back and he said something about how I’m free to do whatever I want and blah blah blah. The next thing I know, he gets in my car and leaves. My heart starts to pound. He comes back a few minutes later saying that it’s totaled and I can call the cops and tell them whatever I want. I start screaming and crying. I run down the street and I don’t see it anywhere. By the time I get back, him and my daughter were gone and I see them pull up in my car. He gets out and before coming inside saying how we’re on a different level and whatever. I have my friend on the phone where she can hear everything. I grab a trash bag and start piling our clothes into it.
He asks if I want him to leave since I have my daughter but makes no moves or says verbally he’s leaving so I continue to grab my medications and we make our way out the door. I talk to my friend for awhile and then I decided to call my Mom twice and she doesn’t answer. I call his Dad and let him know what’s going on and that I’m leaving. I call the women’s shelter and we stayed there last night.
Once I walked through the doors there, I realize that I’m going to leave. As soon as I’m able to get into an apartment, we won’t be living here with him anymore. I was a complete wreck yesterday and didn’t work much at all. I got my daughter from school and we got a snack at Sonic and headed back to the shelter. She hung out with the other kids, played, we had dinner. He called and asked if I was coming back. I told him I didn’t know. Well, we hang out for awhile longer and my daughter was sitting on her bed and asked about coming home. I call him again and say if I come back am I’m going to be in a war zone. He says he was never trying to make it a war zone. I let him know I’ll be there.
We packed up and checked out. I do have an appointment there today after I get her from school with a case manager. I’ve been told that they might be able to help me with a lawyer since BD and I have domestic violence wrapped up in this. I’d rather not bring my daughter because I don’t want her hearing what’s being said but I don’t know where he is or if BD is trying to take her.
I worked for awhile today and came home. I was kinda hoping he’d be here so we can talk some stuff out but he’s gone. I don’t know where he is but I’ve deleted the tracking app. I’ve also let my daughter know that we aren’t going to tell him or anyone we went to the shelter, just in case we have to go back. I’m not one for secrets but since he’s on my car title and has his own set of keys, I would rather he not know where to find it.
I did make enough to pay the car note so I got that done this morning. BD told daughter he is working again but who knows when I’ll see any money so my plan is just to pay what I can and then use my credit card for bills.
I finally got to shower last night when we got home and came and laid down in my bed. It took me forever to fall asleep though. My body was so tense that I couldn’t relax at all. I’m just in fight or flight mode and I’m sick of it.
The stress of court next week and everything going on here at home is running me on empty. They always say God won’t ever give you more than you can handle and he gives problems to his strongest soldiers but I’m tired. My soul is tired. My back is killing me, my ankles hurt so bad from running down the street and I have a killer headache that just won’t go away.
I’m very angry that my Mom didn’t answer the phone or even call back yesterday. I have been shown time and time again how they just don’t care. I remember all the times I jumped every single time they had a problem and they’ve always been quick as lightning to turn their back on me. This is extremely disheartening to know just how alone I really am on this Earth.
My friend said that I handled the car situation very well the other night. I was super calm and I think it’s because I have been through so much that it’s dulled my senses. I also don’t want to overreact as my daughter is watching.
I just want to be in my own place again and have peace. I miss being able to pay all my own bills and have money left over. I feel like I have not slept since I met him and we’ve been together for 15 months. I am sick of cleaning up after him and his dog, I’m tired of his drinking/smoking, I’m tired of him not working and being an asshole because he doesn’t feel good about himself. We all go through it everyday. EVERYBODY has it hard.
Now that I’ve been to a shelter, I definitely feel pretty humbled. It’s not ideal. It doesn’t feel good to be an adult with a child and being told you have a curfew. It’s not fun having to ask for tampons. There’s just a lot of things I have a much better understanding of now. My heart goes out to every single person that is in a shelter and has no options. I truly feel blessed to have everything that I do but I recognize it could be so much better too.
I remember being so lonely that I couldn’t stand it but I’m still alone. He’s taught me that I truly am better off on my own. We don’t have a normal relationship or anything close to it and it stems from his past, his mental issues and his drinking. I can’t ask him to stop because he would resent me but I also can’t continue living a fucking lie either. I’m tired of how every day is different and not knowing how it’s going to go because it all depends on his mood. I’m just exhausted.
Anyways, I’m going to my appointment with the case manager here in a few minutes. I’m hoping that I can get help towards a low income apartment and a lawyer for my custody case. I really do hope that BD is working because it’s not going to look good for him being unemployed when we go to court. I really hope for good things to come out of this for my daughter’s sake and as well as my own.
I just want to get along with everyone. I want everyone else to get along. I don’t feel like I’m asking for much here but apparently I am. I also just want sleep. I am so fucking tired that I feel it in my bones.
He just called me and is going to get the daughter from school but I still have to leave soon. Wish me luck.
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