Not much to write today. Audience seems rather muted but we are outside today. I will admit, though, when the audience doesn’t give us much- I immediately worry that I am not enunciating my words well enough. Which… just explains me all over. Because yes… that is a possibility. There are also other possibilities that are my fault as well. There are also MANY possibilities that are not my fault and have nothing to do with me. But of course my brain focuses on a “this is my fault and it is due to something I should not be struggling with!” Though… enunciation being a concern is also one of those “my dad’s voice in my ear” things ad his hearing was bad for so long with little aid that he would instruct the rest of us how to talk in a manner he would listen to.
But mostly what I wished to write today:
I did something today which made me feel more like a professional actor than anything else I’ve done since the last time I was actually paid to act. I have Night Two of a starring role in Shakespeare tonight; but this afternoon, I stopped at a different theater to pick up the script for the next role I am auditioning for! Like… gearing up to perform in one show while reading the script of the next show I am trying to be in… definitely felt like the professional experience. Because that is REALLY (honestly) of professional theater. It is mostly auditioning and preparing to audition! I know, in true honesty, my odds of getting into this next show are… likely below 30%. And that’s not me ragging on myself. Of the 3 roles that are men- 1 calls for an Asian Man and 1 calls for a homosexual. So of the 3 possible roles, I will really only be considered for 1 and competing with all other Straight White Men who may seek to audition. But I am still thankful for the process and the feeling. Truly. Going to the theater, checking out an audition script. Coming home and setting a timer because when the timer goes off, I have to stop reading the audition script and start changing into costume. And I am sat at the dinner table writing notes on the new script before making sure, as I change, that I can remember the words to the script I am performing tonight! It… it was truly magical. THIS is literally the life I dreamed of all those years I planned and hoped and dreamed of being an actor. It is funny. When I quit acting I said, in part, it was to focus on making/getting/building a family. And… had I the nuclear family of my desire, I likely could NOT be living this life I am in right now. And I don’t know which is better. I mean… being loved, having a sex life, having a child is all tremendous… but I have had versions of that and they were not as life affirming or self-fulfilling as this experience. True enough, those experiences were.... troubled and difficult at best. So… a truly GOOD alternative? Who knows. But for today? I am much happier in THIS experience.
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