I haven’t found an easy way to include this in what I’ve been writing but I don’t want to not include it and act like it’s not noteworthy or odd or anything. So… I haven’t heard from Nancy much. That’s to be expected. We’re divorced, she moved across the country, not a lot of contact makes sense. The last communication was March 5th when I reached out to her to make sure things were okay. I mean… I sent her Nala pics March 2024 and figured… okay 1 year since I’ve heard from her, just… sending out a curiosity probe of a text. She responded and that was it. So… it was very strange and out of left field when she posted to my Facebook wall on Wednesday (June 11th). It was a poorly made poster saying FIREFLY SEASON 2 (2025) DISNEY PLUS! and she said, “Have you seen this?!” And… I mean… milliseconds of looking into it established it as clearly not a real thing happening. And the first thought I had was unkind. Which actually shows growth on my part. As earlier, I likely would have suddenly become possessed of worry or fear for her. What’s wrong that she’s sending this? Is she okay? etc. But no, all that came to my mind was, “Was she this unintelligent when we dated? I mean, I know she had her moments when we were married where I was surprised by her ignorance but…” And then, charitably, it does become worry. Because I know what unchecked anxiety and depression can do to a brain and I worry that her mental state is deteriorating and if it is, she has no family or supports on the East Coast so nobody who can really help her if she was in a bad situation with the new man… and pulling a woman entirely away from all of her supports is a pretty Classic Predator thing to do and they did meet up through an STI Dating app… but then I quiet all of that with a “Even if he’s so controlling he checks her texts, she knows that she can communicate with me in a way that indicates she needs help. And this isn’t it. Worst case scenario? She sends me a message along the lines of ‘Hey, I’m trying to remember the name of that one Star Trek episode or was it Doctor Who; where the woman in the relationship is experiencing partner violence and reaches out to her old partner for help? Do you remember which one I’m talking about?’ Something like that.” BUT… I’m not worried. It’s just… it’s random enough contact that I wanted to keep a ledger of it somewhere, so I wanted to get it written down before it slipped my mind.
I went to bed and then woke up at 4 a.m. with Nala communicating a need to use the facilities. Other than a scratchy throat, I realized that my chest felt tight and it hurt to move my right arm as well as the increasing pain in my right foot. Very concerned, I let Nala out… sat… let Nala back in; and decided to wrap my foot to isolate the ankle while I returned to sleep and to remove the alarm so that whatever my body was telling me could be listened to without interruption.
I then woke up at 11:35 a.m. My foot still in pain, but not increased. My throat still scratchy but honestly feeling better. Where my neck muscles meet my shoulder on the right side was… not well. And I was feeling intensely dehydrated. SO… time to consider The List and my Physical Feelings and compare to My Values. As important and necessary as protesting is (especially now) what would I place as my number 1 priority for the next 10 days? SHAKESPEARE. And considering I’ll be in character shoes for the next 8 days? And needing to make sure I’m physically fit enough to perform and to perform outdoors regardless of distractions, weather, etc.?? I do feel sorry to not be out there doing as I should but this show is legitimately TOO important. I’m trying not to think “This is too important; what is going to happen to prevent me from having this moment?” So really… is standing around outside for three hours more likely to make me feel better or put me at risk? And I do very deeply and very sincerely and with all of my heart, I feel like SHIT for not being out there and protesting. But truly my health and my pain must be listened to and I would place my priorities at this point as Shakespeare then Nala then Work then My Physical Wellbeing.... but of course, I need to look after my physical well being to maintain any of the other priorities! So… without alleviating the guilt, I did at least manage to convince myself to stay in for health purposes. Which… seeing how many people in my various social circles from Dog Park to Theater are at the protests today… definitely increases my guilt. But… I am one man. My presence at these events has not managed to make lasting change; and staying home for health reasons considering what is coming… I cannot refute the logic in it.
As I stayed in bed, checking in on the tightness in my chest and the pain in my foot; I cruised the news. And… not unexpected, but entirely unacceptable… I saw the news from Minnesota. Yet again… MAGA supporters turn to violence and target Democrat law makers. And I say yet again not simply for Jan6 but Pelosi’s house/husband and the varying examples of pipe bombs and other examples from these last 10 years repeatedly showing the violence is acceptable if we win mentality. And the horror I feel at knowing I am seeing this sentiment being discussed by the Left. I can’t fault them, though I’m horrified by it. If the Right enacts violence and that violence is met by Blanket Pardons like January 6th; or social media support as MTG did this morning.... the Left response of “Caucusing and voting” seems far less worthwhile. I understand the desire and feeling of need to respond to violence with violence. I studied Malcom X and have oft supported the position of Magneto. But it truly truly feels like… if we meet the MAGA Movement with violence? All we’re doing is lighting fires and setting our country ablaze. And I know there are idiots and agitators on both sides who- that’s all they want. They haven’t spent an actual adult minute contemplating how we proceed after a total tear down. But fighting fire with fire in this instant really just feels like people who want to watch the world burn.
As the muscle pain continued and the foot pain persisted, I contemplated my list. With no protest, that took care of about 6 hours on my schedule. Redemption has to happen before noon; so I screwed myself there for at least another 2 weeks. Which means my Saturday list developed into Laundry and Yard. So, around 3, I came downstairs and started the laundry. Honestly, not sure if I’ll get to the yard today or even feel physically in a position to do the yard. I may just soak in the tub, instead, to try to calm whatever muscle issue is happening. And it was at that point that my mind started reminding me of why so many Saturdays in my life are “so unproductive” by whispering the words dead day. This, perpetually, seems to be a problem with me… but a problem genuinely enhanced when I have a partner so.... my brain’s bullshit makes sense.
You see, I am technically disabled. I have mental and physical issues that prevent me from being entirely 100% Healthy and Hearty! But I’ve spent so much of my life trying to push forward that… robbing Peter to pay Paul has a shorter shelf life now. If I’m pushing myself 14 hours a day or more… at least one day of my weekend is required for recuperation just so I can stay functional. This is something we discovered quickly during and after Law School. Honestly, it was one of the reasons Nancy and I worked out the way we did considering that (when we still interacted during the marriage) so much of what we did was watch TV, eat at restaurants, go to movies… passive entertainment providing us both recuperative time. This key point is also a massive reason why Hermia and I had the problems we did and would have never worked out. I couldn’t do Work, Theater, Care for Disabled Child, Care for Disabled Partner, Care for several animals, make sure to have extremely productive and engaging weekends..... the longer the list goes and the more demanding that list gets, the worse off I am mentally and physically. Which, yeah, at this point is making me ask “So, maybe I’m just… not meant to be in relationships. Because of how draining they are and how much they take.” Which actually immediately impresses upon me how negative my past relationships have been since “Taking until you literally need to spend an entire day in bed to recover every week isn’t a healthy relationship in the first place!” So… BUT… at least for today? Getting some things done around the house while making sure I am taking care of my physical health in such a way as to better secure my survival and success for the week to come? Hell! What’s wrong with spending a day quietly healing and recovering?? But I do find myself very emotionally conflicted about it. PARTLY due to the anxiety connected to it all as I discussed last night. NOT working on a list that keeps getting longer is ALWAYS going to make me feel like I’m not doing enough… which just reminds me of how I’m not meeting my own goals of not letting my shortcomings get in my way. But the other part of the emotional conflict is about… what if this means I really cannot or should not be in a relationship with someone? The dating landscape as it is doesn’t exactly seem conducive to me generally and add in something like “I’m neither capable or willing to spend all of my free time doing things” and it feels like I’m actually saying, “I’m not capable or willing to date considering the demands of the dating culture anymore seem to be so don’t do movie or dinner, do rock climbing or all day adventure!” And maybe that’s… the thing. Maybe I’m just boring. My work provides no end of stress and fascinating emotional drama. My hobby is all about pretending to do interesting things and entertain through emotional drama. So, in my personal life outside of all of that… I would like a minimal stress, no emotional drama, peaceful enjoyable experience. WHICH… yeah… I guess I am boring in my “every day life.” But all the same… people who want their personal relationships to be where the Drama and Excitement of Life is? I think I’ve just had too many toxic experiences.
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