All I need is time. A moment that is mine.
I can be intense. I try to edit myself for world peace, but my face acts like subtitles. I don’t want to be toxic, but I want to be toxic.
I’m not a good person, I’m not a bad person. I’m a whole person. It pays to be a bitch sometimes. My roommate is acting grown-up and considerate. She is cleaning up after herself, which is literally the least she could do. I just needed to be a cunt about it.
My coordinator is a sensitive man; my intense energy has him fawning. Good boy. All I want to do is tell everyone off like the old me used to do. When D is late with pay, I’m leaving early with pay. I work too hard not to have any special privileges. So fix this, or I will get your new boss to fix this. He isn’t dating your sister, so I don’t see him doing D any favours. This was at the tip of my tongue for most of our morning yesterday. It wasn’t even bothering me. I just wanted to hurt somebody.
I spoke with a naturopath about candida. She told me not to starve it. It eats waste, so just remove the waste. So I’m ready to pivot my approach here. Miserable mood aside, there hasn’t been any brain fog or burnout in days. Just this braxton hicks. My stomach is cramping still. It’s a lot less tense this morning. Chat thinks I am defficient in potassium. I ate little bit of potato the other day. My dietitian wants me to eat some carbs and grains so I don’t starve my bacteria. I have to restore my gut linning, however. That is the battlefield. My chiro, who works with nervous systems, also does somatic work on me, said that my body doesn’t prioritize digestion when my body is flooded with stress hormones. This is what that shaman said in that workshop in April.
My whole world has shrunk down to my plate. I hate this. I am losing myself. I had to get Chat to remind me why I am doing it. That April workshop on Trauma Support Training gave me that epiphany that changed my fundamental beliefs about health and wellness. It wasn’t a mindset issue, it is a metabolic issue. His answer was ancient traditions. Ancient wisdom is cool and all but we have modern problems. A quartz crystal isn’t going to remove microplastics. I’m not going to journal down cortisol. I’m not going to manifest away EMFs. I already knew this. I don’t get depressive episodes unless I eat bread, for instance. I could eat a slice of toast right now and I feel like my dog died the next few days. My gut health is the problem, I need to support the healing it is trying to do. Then I can go back to eating breads, and desserts, and getting all fat and sassy. My chiro is going to do somatic work with my stomach tomorrow. It all seems very woowoo to me but… I’m desparate. Not desparate enough for conventional medicine, of course. Mainstream healthcare is a radicalized death cult that cannibalizes the cells and tissues of infants in a blood ritual they tried to force us all into in 2020.
I’m still bad moody. I just want to be alone but I can’t. I’ll live. I just needed to air this out. I’m returning to the gym today. Maybe I will feel like me again. Then I am taking my grandmother shopping. I brought home a sewing machine from work. I’m going to make a ribbon shirt. My roommate is beside herself about having the sewing machine here. She wants me to steal it. That wouldn’t be hard to do at all. We are going shopping for fabric this afternoon.
Yesterday, at work, we took our boys to the zoo. We were nervous about it because of how they behaved in the past when we took them out in public. Also, we don’t like being too outnumbered. It went very well! We are so proud of them. Next weekend we are taking them to a fair. The Red River Ex. The weekend after that as well. I used to love going to that. If they, by chance, have plant-based hotdogs, I’m going to throw my diet away for a day and eat that all day long. To be honest, I have been craving non vegan things while on this super restrictive diet. 9 years vegan, my health issues aren’t because I am vegan but they did happen while I was vegan. Meat is far more dense in nutrition. It’s pyschological at this point. It was when it started. Shit. This month is my anniversary. I think it might have been 10 years? We will see if I can still keep it up. I realize how privileged it is to be plant-based whenever I do those community walks to feed the homeless. They don’t get to choose what they eat.
Anyway, I’m all over the place here. Rolling out now. Looking forward to the gym.
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