I made pretty good money yesterday and I have made nothing today. I don’t even have money to buy dinner and will probably have to use my credit card. I am going further in debt all the time because I don’t make enough!
I started very early yesterday morning and was sitting in my car where I happen to go on Facebook to see that a friend of mine has passed away. Everyone loved him and had the nicest things to say. I really like seeing positive things being said about someone know they are genuine. It absolutely rocks me that he’s gone. I can’t stop thinking about him and I realize that I need to start remembering just how short life is and probably should make more effort with people because tomorrow isn’t promised.
BD is claiming to have had a mild heart attack. Is this believable? No, it isn’t. I have noticed this pattern where when things aren’t going well for him, he claims to have health issues for attention. I think he’s beefing with whoever he’s staying with and had no where else to go so he found a way to get himself admitted in the hospital. I know that sounds pretty outlandish but I know the guy well enough to say he’s that way.
I am to have a job interview today in a couple of hours. I just decided that I’m not going. I just don’t feel like putting on hot, uncomfortable clothes and a face full of makeup to go be uncomfortable listening to someone talk and then be told, “we’ll call ya” and then never hear from them again. I’ve been through this ringer a thousand times and that’s why I do side gigs. I just HATE interviews and having my time wasted.
It’s like about a year ago I went on an interview, lost time working to be told that they would have to interview me again because someone wasn’t there. Um, no. I gave you what time I was going to give and now I’m done. What is up with these places that want you to devote time, energy and gas to something and not get the job anyway? They love to scream how nobody wants to work anymore but makes the hiring process as miserable as they can. I completely understand why people get welfare and just give up. I was in that spot for quite some time.
I may just take a mental health day. I am so fucking tired and struggled to get up this morning and take my daughter to school. My bed was so comfortable and the room was so nice and cool that I wanted to stay in bed.
Next week, I have to get my letter done and email my case manager all the stuff I want her to print out. I’m not going to think much about it right now because I get sick thinking about it but I’m going to take a day next week to get all of this done.
I’m just sitting here getting angry thinking about this job interview and why I’m not going. I know that my boyfriend is going to ask but I’m going to tell him that they had to reschedule and they’ll call me when there’s someone to interview me. I have wasted so much time getting ready for interviews, paying for parking, listening to people talk and NOT get the job that I just am not in the mindset for it today.
My life is so confusing and I would have never imagined things being so hard. I feel like a wreck. I never get enough sleep, downtime or even a minute to breathe and all of it is starting to affect me.
Little brother has court today again for animal cruelty. My boyfriend is planning to go and bring pictures of what he did to my Mom’s dog. He just hates bullies and is bound and determined that he’s held accountable. He cut the dog and it almost looked like he was trying to take off his tail. The dog got many stitches and it was a horrible thing. I have watched my little brother be abusive to animals his entire life and I really hope after this he will never do anything to another animal and won’t even be allowed to have any. I’m glad that he lives with my “Dad” and they don’t have animals and neither of them need any. They are both crazy and have been very evil to animals and I don’t want any more defenseless animals getting hurt.
They say that serial killers start out being cruel to animals. I feel that my little brother is crazy enough to kill a human.
So my boyfriend got the photos printed out of what my little brother did to the dog and went to court. I had to get the daughter from school and we didn’t want her there so we went and got smoothies and groceries. I guess he didn’t get to show anyone the photos because there was too much going on but apparently both of my parents were there and the judge said they are going to have a competency hearing to see if my little brother knows the difference between right and wrong. I looked on Google and apparently they could put him somewhere for a little while and make sure he’s good to go to trial.
I honestly hope for the outcome that he’s not to live with either of my parents because they are both toxic and right now he’s living with my Dad who does nothing but use him for his money and has been very detrimental to his mental health and always has been. Neither of my parents have ever taught him anything, much less disciplined him and that’s why he’s the way he is. I honestly don’t want him to end up incarcerated but I think him being in a different place would be the best thing for him.
I guess my Mom couldn’t sit still and once the judge said that he was to get evaluated, my Dad walked out. I am sure he’s shitting his pants because this means my little brother is going to talk to professionals and could tell them what my Dad has done to him. He’s told us many times of the sexual abuse he suffered at the hands on my Dad and I have no doubt it could come out in the wash. I don’t know if my Dad could get charged for this because my little brother is now 30 years old. There’s a statute of limitations on this kind of stuff but whether my Dad gets in trouble or not, it’s nice to know that he’s losing his fucking mind worrying about this. I also feel that he deserves this after EVERYTHING he’s done to each and every one of us.
He’s always thought he’s invincible because he’s never had any accountability for anything in his entire life and used my Mom as his shield. He’s a coward and I hope he gets everything he deserves. He’s made my little brother a fucking lunatic and I wouldn’t be sad if either one ends up institutionalized. They are both very toxic and I don’t feel my little brother should be living with him. My parents are going to end up in a nursing home one day or simply pass away and my little brother has never been taught any life skills whatsoever. He doesn’t know how to even pay bills online and I know that both of them are hoping that me and my older brother are going to help and look out for him but we aren’t.
My family is really fucked up and I know that if I wasn’t related to them, I would NEVER allow people to act like that in my world. It’s like when my boyfriend and I met, it was terrifying to know that he was going to meet them one day and I told my best friend I wanted to marry him first so he couldn’t run away. They are all so embarrassing and I’m embarrassed having to have any relation to them. I’m angry that my Mom heavily lied about what happened that night my boyfriend went to her house because she wanted to get my older brother as fired up as she could and made so much animosity between them that I don’t see that ever getting resolved. I also don’t like how much my Dad has provoked my little brother to hate all of us and has made him just a hateful person that can’t get along with anyone because that’s what he wanted.
Both my parents LOVE to turn everyone against each other for their own gain, even if it’s just something to talk about. They don’t give a flying fucking shit about anyone but themselves and I am praying to God that after this custody thing we can get the fuck out of here or at least move to another city close by so I don’t have to worry about any of them knowing where we live and/or randomly stopping by.
I don’t have anything good to say about any of them and again, I’m a lot happier having no contact. I just can’t stand listening to all their problems because the shit is always money based. My Mom and I will never be okay again and I will never waste any more of my life energy trying to have a relationship with her. I refuse to have a relationship with someone who wants their cake and eat it too. With her, she wants me to never mention anything she’s done to me or even the way she’s treated my child.
She wants a very unhealthy relationship with me where she doesn’t have to take any responsibility for anything or pay me the money that’s OWED to me. Money that was promised. I’m still angry at how much I helped and the time I took away from making money to be there. I’m angry at how I’ve been treated by my brother and his family and I just think everyone is better off where we are. I haven’t seen my Mom in almost 2 months now. Her birthday is on Sunday and my boyfriend asked if I was going to talk to her. Uh, no. I’m not.
BD messaged saying he’d had a mild heart attack and I said sorry to hear that and it’s scary stuff. He wrote back saying how I’m not sorry and I’ve told him that if something happened to him, I’d celebrate. That’s when I didn’t respond. No matter what I would have said back, it would just open the flood gates and every time I don’t engage, I’m taking my power back. I just will not doing it ever again. We are too close to the custody hearing that I’m not going to allow my emotions to get the best of me so he can use it in court. I want HIM to bury himself.
We now have steaks on the grill and ribs. I have corn on the cob in the instant pot and we are doing baked beans. My boyfriend and I went to lunch today and he wants me to include in my letter about my upcoming move and where I’m gonna go to school and what not. I don’t know if I will but I will give it some thought. I do want to get all my stuff done by next week and have it dropped off at the court house. I want the judge to have time to go through everything I turn in and the sooner the better.
I just wish I had people here to engage with and it’s positive. I do wish that I had a relationship with my family but after all these years of trying to keep the peace, establish boundaries, and putting up with their incessant drama, I have to be done. I have my own life and my own family to tend to. I know that they blame my boyfriend for me not coming around and that’s just infuriating. Why can’t it EVER be their fault? Well, that’s just not in the narrative. It’s ALWAYS someone else that’s in the wrong. I am so fucking sick of that outlook that I could fucking burst. My boyfriend doesn’t decide anything for me. I have my own brain and I don’t allow someone else to call shots on my turf.
They were never going to like any guy I dated simply because that meant using me would probably not happen much anymore if at all. They wanted me to stay single because it was easier to get what they wanted from me. I was always right there to help and come to their rescue and that’s all changed now. Anytime they needed anything, I did what I could to help them but whenever I needed it, I was on my own. My problems were never their problem. I totally get that I’m a big girl and need to figure out my own life but they shouldn’t have asked me for anything either! I did more than I ever should have for them using pieces of shit and when I finally reached the point I’m at, they blame it all on my boyfriend?!?!?!
Dealing with people who are never wrong is maddening. I remember growing up and seeing them have a fall out with a friend or a grandparent and it was always the other person’s fault. I can tell you that I’ve never heard them ever apologize to anyone or feel bad about mishandling a situation. I don’t always realize in the moment when I’m wrong but I can tell you once I realize it, I apologize and do everything I can to make it right. I spent a good portion of my 20’s having a lot of self reflection and understood that I picked up a lot of really negative traits from them and that’s why I’m a better person now.
I know that they aren’t healthy people and I’ve always felt so blessed to have a safe distance. I am still very pissed that my Mom was going to give us money from selling her house and then didn’t do it but I’m glad she didn’t. I’m happy to know that someday she may need our help again and we ain’t gonna lift a fucking finger. She made her choices and I’m going to make sure she stands on them. I was a better person to her than she’s ever been to me. I know she thinks it’s hurting me by not coming around or babysitting but this is all I’ve ever known. I also think about my daughter and how much she loves my Mom and wants to see her and she’s growing up knowing her absence more than her presence and that’s what I want because then when my Mom is on her death bed crying around, my daughter can tell her she CHOSE to be absent.
Up until I met my boyfriend, I was the only constant in my daughter’s life. All she has ever been shown is that she’s disposable. By her bio Dad, by his family, by my family, by the big sister and it’s a hard lesson but it’s the right way to learn that sometimes people are like this. It’s a hard way to learn but the right way to learn. My Mom has shown her what conditional love looks like and even though she may not completely understand it right now at 7 years old, she will as she gets older. My Mom is showing her that if we aren’t on good terms, then my daughter doesn’t matter. I absolutely HATE my Mother for this.
I look back on all the shitty things my Mom has done since I’ve had a child and it makes it easier to just let her go. My Mom has always been very selfish and immature. I hope she gets her life where she wants it and I have no doubt she will die alone. I remember all those times asking her to come see my daughter or come to a school function and she just didn’t want to and always had an excuse ready. Okay, well you’ve missed all these bonding years with my daughter and it’ll probably come back to bite you in the ass. She’s a shitty Grandmother and a shitty Mom.
They do this where they stay away as punishment and because once they come around again, you’ll have forgotten all the rotten things they’ve done. I’ve been more forgiving then I should have been and now, I’m not even mad. I just want to live my life happy and not give a fuck anymore. They want to be able to treat you however they want and after so long, you just forgive and forget. Well, I do forgive but I don’t forget. I can’t even think about all the shit that’s happened since I was a kid and I honestly believe that them staying away is the best thing for my kid. She’s better off.
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