Today was a good day in many ways and ultimately, if I could be this productive every Saturday, I’d honestly feel worthy of having a solid relationship. Which, I guess is a confession that reveals a potential subconscious or unconscious motivation for unintentionally sabotaging myself so… there’s that for fun!
Anyway, I allowed myself to sleep in a little today… because Nala woke up with the sun and had to go outside. So… when she came back in, I shut off the alarms and went back to bed. But when I woke up, I got dressed and headed to the next town over for a “clean up haircut.” You see, the hair was in my eyes again. This happens with my technique and schedule and it is a semi-annoying part of the professional standards I attempt for myself. We are a small community theater troupe who doesn’t even charge ticket prices for our Shakespeare Summer shows! We barely have costumes, let alone hair and makeup!! AND perhaps with no other director and with no other show can I be this truly and unwaveringly confident that I was cast not because of my appearance but because of my acting. BUT STILL… (personal rule) no significant changes to appearance between audition and strike without permission. But… playing a character that is both a soldier and a rake… a man who is both scornful of romance and one of the romantic leads… I need hair enough to appear at least as close to dashing as I can get while also having some controlment. THUS beard and hair needed some attention.
Upon completing that task, it was to the Store for various things I required like stamps, Almond milk, Father’s Day Card, that sort of thing. ACTUALLY there is a bit of a story there that is neither entertaining nor informative but… let’s share anyway. I first went to the grocery store by the haircut place. I was in line behind a fairly fit woman with a pretty face… I’m terrible at age guessing, but I would place her somewhere between 42 and 53. I merely noted her as the older male cashier seemed to be excessively chatty with her beyond merely “buying time for the bagger to finish.” She pays, leaves, and it is my turn. However, when I get into my car and drive away- I realize that I forgot to buy something I needed. I resolve to stop by the grocery store closer to where I live as that is very much “on the way home” from where I was at that time. I arrive at the other grocery store, park my car, and begin to exit when I notice in front of my car is.... the same woman who was in front of me at the previous store. NOW here is why the story is being shared at all. As my mother or many people (were they in my position) might think, “That’s odd.” or even “I wonder if she forgot something, too!” or perhaps “She must have needed something that the other cashier said was available at this location.” Those thoughts did not enter my mind. As some people I know and care about may have thought, “Huh! Funny world.” or even “That’s a wild coincidence!” or perhaps “The odds of that have to be astronomical!” Those thoughts did not enter my mind. What entered my mind was, “Oh shit. I need to get back in the car. Make sure she doesn’t see me! She’s going to think I followed her here or that I’m stalking her or something awful! SHIT. Okay, give enough delay that if you run into each other inside the store it doesn’t look dangerous. Stay in the car like 5 or 10 minutes; let a time buffer build up!” Which is exactly what I did. And here’s the thing there.... Was all that my first thought because of my job? Honestly: no. True, my job has given me special insight into exactly how dangerous people are or can be; but that’s not what motivated that thought. What motivated that thought was a combination.
FIRST: The Bear worldview which I can understand and empathize with but also point to as TRAUMA BEHAVIOR/BELIEFS but… we live in a world now where healing from trauma isn’t the goal. The Bear Worldview suggests that a woman should always assume the worst, most dangerous, most awful scenario is the most likely scenario when dealing with any man they do not know. This is born from the “safer with a hungry wild bear than any human man ever” philosophy.
SECOND: The Stale Creepy element. Here’s the tragedy: I’ve been on both sides of this so I know it is real regardless of how many internet strangers decry the opposite. When I was thinner and presented as “uncertain dorky guy with a wry smile”… coincidences were Meet Cutes at best, annoyances at worst. Granted, I didn’t know how to deal with that at the time, but that description is apt. Now that I’ve added on pounds, have a bit of gray in my face and head hair and present more as “insecure nerdy guy with a slight limp”.... coincidences are “I ask while laughing but are you stalking me, ha ha ha?” at best and “You’re a creep! What do you want from me?!” at worst. SO yes. I’ll stay in my car listening to the radio for an extra ten minutes in order to do an errand that takes five minutes to avoid that mess, thank you very much!
The grocery store complete, I return home. I put groceries away and review my list of TO DO for the day resolving to complete it. Up next? Review the two Primary Hardware Store needs.
First: Gather the dead smoke detectors. See, here is another “funny” but irritating and stupid as shit thing about this house (as there are SO many!) The kitchen smoke detector died last year. I attempted to fix it but it was one of those “Proprietary Battery Secured Inside. When Battery Dead- Dispose of Unit”. So… can’t replace the battery and just… keep using the large plastic electronic device. Nope, nope. You had to throw away the whole bloody thing and buy an entire replacement! Seems… inconvenient for the homeowner, disastrous to the environment, and foolish for actual home safety. So, I never replaced it. Just… hit the kill switch on it so it would stop giving the “BATTERY DEAD” screech. Well, this week, it’s brother went off as well. Well, to chuck that one would mean my entire home would have ZERO smoke alarms. So… on the Hardware List had to be “replace the silly stupid units with something that might not be so “it’s high tech but somehow worse tech over all” as seems to be the very theme of much of this house!
Second: The room one first enters when they walk through my front door… has a candelabra with 4 bulbs as its only source of light. SINCE MOVING IN, that candelabra has had at most two working bulbs. So.... “review primary hardware store needs”… I tested all four bulb plugs. They all worked. The problem wasn’t electrical, it was just burnt out bulbs. Though, I have tried to replace them before… but had difficulty finding the right size as these are VERY far from standard!
So… I just… put all of that (smoke detectors and burnt out bulbs) into a bag and brought it all to Menards! I sought help and discovered the exact… everything… I needed for the Candelabra and the Smoke Detectors. I came home… installed the bulbs.... physically screwed in the backers for the smoke detectors, installed them, and tested them to make sure they worked. SO for the first time in 12 months, this house has TWO working smoke detectors and for the first time SINCE BEFORE I MOVED IN the front room has a fully functioning and completely lit light situation!
It was still early afternoon at this, so I decided to finally do for Nala something I have wanted to do every year. I loaded her in the car and brought her to the Arboretum. Paid for admission and we walked the whole of the place before stopping at the Rose Garden (where our Shakespeare Company performs). Obviously, I haven’t the first clue as to whether Nala made connections. “This place smells like Dad’s clothes lately” or anything. But… I’d wanted to do it for many reasons and was glad I finally did. Below, a picture of Nala directly in the performance space. Probably a foot or so off where Benedick kisses Beatrice at the end of the show. AND in addition to an hour long walk through a brand new outdoor area; afterwards, we hit the Dog Park for about 45 minutes! So… lots of energy exercise and smells for Nala today!
Afterwards, both a little tired, we returned home. And I called my parents to get their schedules and compare plans for the rest of the month. Turned into a 2 hour phone call. Followed quickly by me just… ordering Jimmy Johns. YES, after my sickness, I was off the diet a bit… 1500 calories a day while fighting a fever wasn’t exactly cutting it. And after a day like today… getting proper fuel while also not pushing past my own energy reserves made sense. I am actively reminding myself that I am allowed to re-fuel as needed provided I am smart and intentional about my choices. I’m not looking to ever be over 250 again and, though it certainly feels like an insane, foolish, impossible pipe dream… it would be nice to be under 200 pounds again someday. I know I’ll never return to my 120… people were horrified and said I was too skinny and they were right. It’s why they repeatedly and frequently went out of their way to fatten me up. BUT… there has to be a happy medium homeostasis that can be reached. Somewhere between terribly skinny and alarmingly obese would be nice.
Though, I’ll admit. As the sun disappeared and despite a successful and good day today… as the evening stretched before me and I contemplated “Eating Jimmy Johns by myself watching Anime” and discovered that… where that would honestly be a positive for MBFITWW… I found it… slightly less appealing as a way to celebrate the weekend. I do have some writing in my head about some things good/bad/or otherwise that has been rolling in my noodle since reading some old entries but… as the sky darkened, I did think “This is the exact kind of night that calls for some rum cocktails. There’s no party and no wild social time; but as a way to properly welcome a Saturday night. More of a there’s no celebration, there’s no shagging, at best tonight there’s anime or video game bragging.” BUT it is what it is. It’s best to understand where certain thoughts, urges, desires come from or send you to. And really, the inclusion of alcohol tonight would have resulted in three things.
(1) I wouldn’t have written this at all
(2) I’d have played video games, but inattentively- video game activity as almost simply “background activity” to the drinking; and
(3) I wouldn’t have necessarily “passed more time” than otherwise. I would have started playing video games and drinking around 9 p.m. and still made sure to go to bed by or around Midnight or 1 a.m. As it stands… I haven’t had any alcohol today/tonight, nor have I played video games and I’ll likely be hitting PUBLISH on this between 11 p.m. and Midnight anyway!
BUT… yeah. I know there is still.... just an absolute MOUNTAIN of shit to get done in and for this house… honestly, just so much… but I fixed two things that have needed fixing for a very long while. And spent significant time today doing an activity that was physically healthy while spending time with my dog. And had a good conversation with my parents. Sure, it isn’t as busy as my brother’s typical Saturday. Nor was it as productive. Nor did my activities do anything to significantly alter my future in any meaningful way. But I did things that needed doing. I didn’t entirely waste the bloody day! And lately… that is an accomplishment. NOT wasting the day is a good step in the right direction.
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