It’s been an alright week. I made the most money today and I’m wanting to work some on Sunday. The boyfriend got the child from school and then we went and got nachos. He went out for a little bit so I’m just getting laundry done.
BD messaged me yesterday saying he’s planning to quit his job after this pay period and is going to get a job making more money. I have no idea where he’s staying except somewhere on the other side of town. He is trying to use his last paycheck from this job and his first from the next job to get into a place. I’m not sure how this is going to pan out before we have court. I do hope for him to make more money than me because I do worry about the CS aspect as I don’t make a lot and I would be super pissed if I had to pay him, especially when I’ve raised her all along and he still owes me thousands.
I’ve decided that I’m going to write my letter to the judge but I’m going to still look up example letters online and make sure everything is worded where I’m not bashing him or looking like I’m a bitter BM. I honestly don’t feel bitter or want to say anything negative at all but I don’t have much positive to say about the man. I’m going to mention that he’s made progress in the past few months with having a job but that’s about all I have. I will talk about how he’s always needed help from other people to see her and has utilized their cars, money, and homes.
He still mentioned 50/50 and this time I wrote back saying how hard that would be for her and she doesn’t want to be gone so much. He still doesn’t understand that she SHOULD have a fucking voice and he’s never had to be responsible for school pickups or drop offs and because he doesn’t have a car! I know that he’s hoping to get joint custody and everything will just fall into place but that’s not how it works.
He’s been posting needing food and has told people on a public site that he has his daughter. I am saving all of these so I can print them and mail in with my letter. I have so many over the years but I’m just going to include the most recent ones. I don’t want to send a million screenshots but the ones that show instability.
It’s just annoying that he’s still on this joint custody thing. Where the fuck does he feel entitled to her 50% of the time when he’s been overall absent her whole life? She’s going to be 8 in about a month and he’s been to 3 of her birthdays. There’s so much I could go on and on about but I’m just a broken record. Not just here but in my own fucking head and I just hope that after court, it’s going to help me not get over any of this but get past it.
I saw my Dad and little brother at the store earlier. They were in the parking lot and I was driving by. It’s sad that I can see them and not feel anything. I’ve seen my Mom last week and she said hi and I shook my head and kept walking. They all got what they wanted. My issue is they got to have their cake and I’m not going to sit and watch them eat it. I carry around a lot of hurt because of the pain they’ve caused and I can’t pretend it isn’t there. The only thing that helps is having no contact.
Today has been a good day though. I made a decent amount of money and worked 7 hours. I’m currently doing laundry and just enjoying sitting. I run all day long and it’s so nice to be able to sit down and breathe. I don’t get to do it often enough but I definitely appreciate it when I finally get to.
Life is just so crazy busy and I wish I had more downtime. I’m just always on the go and never get a chance to sit in my thoughts and really examine what I want to say in my letter to the judge. I plan to keep it short and sweet. I just really need to get legal advice but I don’t know how to find a lawyer that wouldn’t charge. I just keep thinking about all the years I was so mad that I had no help and I adjusted to having her all to myself and now, I may have to share her with the person who never wanted her and has done what he can to use her for his own gain. I struggle to digest this.
I spent years sitting in my anger. I was in the deepest, darkest corners of my mind and I stayed there for so long and had no way out. I never had anyone to hang out with or be supportive nearby. Everyone abandoned me but managed to use the fuck out of me at the same time. My family is fucking trash and I don’t care if anyone disagrees with me on that. My best friend tries to just stay neutral but she knows they are. I appreciate that she tries to bridge the gap but the damage they’ve done is unrepairable.
I remember the judge saying that he’d wrote a letter with “concerns” uh okay well I have plenty of them myself. I know that it would be in my best interest to write a letter and provide evidence of his instability. I don’t mind my daughter seeing him but I don’t think she needs to be with him for days at a time. He has no way to get her to or from school, appointments and doesn’t have a place for her to be. He barely has a roof over his own head and can’t provide her with her own bedroom.
Everyone around me says he won’t get joint custody and I have nothing to worry about but I don’t want to get it in my head that it’s gonna go one way and then goes a completely different way. I want to prepare for the worst but still pray for the best. It’s just sad that he’s had all these years to get himself together and still hasn’t. He even had another 6 months living rent free where he could have worked 2 fucking jobs to get himself stable. I am just terrified that my daughter will go through all the same shit as before with walking around town with him, sleeping on the floor and having nothing to eat and there’s not going to be shit I can do about it.
I hear that the courts are a good thing but I’ve always known of plenty of times where the wrong parent gets custody and everything goes to Hell. I’m also tired of being worried sick about her the entire time she’s with him because he can’t take care of her. Even the other day I dropped her off with him and he started walking in a gas station and didn’t even look back to make sure she was behind him. It’s just stuff like that. I am honestly terrified of her getting hurt and I do believe the less she’s with him the better everything is.
I’m going to watch TV. More tomorrow.
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