Maybe you should be depressed. Maybe someone who lives a sad little existence like yours should be upset. I wouldn’t be pleased with myself if I lived like you did. I wouldn’t want to be happy.
What you don’t like about other people are usually the things you don’t like about yourself.
I opened this entry with what my inner monologue was over the last few days. That is how I was feeling about my roommate. Those words were at the tip of my tongue, but I kept them to myself. Then I subsequently internalized them today. I am not happy. Maybe I shouldn’t be.
I spent today in bed, crippled by depression. My day started off great, I thought. Yesterday, I woke up enraged. The weight of that anger crushed me. I imploded at got depressed. Today I woke up blank, which felt like cloud nine in contrast. I left my massage this morning feeling rejuvenated. ChatGPT is convinced that everything I am doing is thawing my nervous system. This depression is part of that experience.
I haven’t seen my therapist in a while. I don’t know what to say. He disappointed me, and that is not an easy thing to work around for me. He would want me to create space for all of this. Act like an archaeologist and investigate what these emotions are telling me.
The rage I was feeling the other day showed me where I need boundaries. People are weaponizing incompetence and taking advantage of me. At work, I am going to have to put my foot down and reject extra responsibilities without compensation. At home, just communication. It is that simple, though it doesn’t feel that easy. There is a power dynamic that was built here when we first moved in together. I let her walk all over me because I couldn’t stand on my own two feet at that time. I can now. I need to take my power back. I used to be a force nobody reckoned with. I need to be him again. No self-respecting man would put up with any of this shit.
What is this depression teaching me? It comes with gifts. It tells me what I need. It didn’t start as depression. I was feeling raw, just a little sad. I decided to ruminate while I felt alive. I allowed myself to lie in bed all day, guilt-free. Rest needs to be earned, according to my coding. I listened to sad music and let the mood wash over me. It felt beautiful, and it inspired me to paint again. It, at least, made me miss painting. The heaviness got out of control. It set in fast. I was crushed by my own bodyweight. I turned to stone. I could not move. I was forced to face myself. It’s like my own shadow finally caught up with me.
I will change anything but myself. If I am projecting onto my roommate, this is what my frustration is. It is that ADHD wound of knowing my potential but having it out of reach. I saw a TikTok of someone who was diagnosed late in life, like me. They’re not taking it well either. It is like someone telling you there is something wrong with your legs. You will never run, you will never climb, and you will never swim. If you try, you will trip, you will fall, or you will drown. You can learn how to get the most out of walking, but all you can do is crawl. This is a brain without dopamine. Without the chemical you need for motivation, starting is the hard part. Oh, I have so many stalled projects and special interests.
But you will fly. ADHD does come with God mode. If we could turn it on at will… neurodivergents would have the world at their feet. This is when we can do 3 months of work in 3 hours. When we hyperfocus and become experts in something in one week.
I am not into woo woo, but doing things my way is never going to work. My Chiro also offers Somatic Trauma Healing. She said there are only 5 people in the province who do that line of work, and only 2 of them use touch, and she is the only one in the city who does. She hosts it at her property because she has 9 acres and wants us to integrate into nature after our sessions. Animals in nature do not have trauma, just domesticated ones.
Scorpio used to be represented by the phoenix. The real power of Scorpio is death and rebirth. It used to be represented by the eagle. Maybe this is why I had a few dreams about eagles. Halfway through an eagle’s life, it is faced with a choice. His beak and talons are dull. He has to tear off his talons and smash off his beak to grow new ones. With the Full Moon that was in Scorpio, this is the theme for those of us with prominent Scorpio placements. I do feel like I am on par with that right now. I need to get rid of what is no longer serving me, for real. Do.The.Damn.Work.
Loading comments...