I am seriously so fucking tired. Financially, mentally, and emotionally. So yesterday, BD started his shit again so I let him know we are to communicate through a parenting app and I sent him the invite to which he never responded. Probably because he doesn’t want to be held accountable in a court room for how he speaks to me. All he does is add fuel to the fire and wants to provoke a physical altercation.
My boyfriend decided that he was going to get my daughter from school. Well, I was on the phone with my Mom, to which he was shaking his head the whole time. I get off the phone, give him a kiss, and grabbed my keys. I was waiting for him to say something about going to get her and he doesn’t. I get in the car and he calls to say something rude (I couldn’t make out what he said) and then he hung up on me. I get a text from him stating that since I changed plans, he was changing his. We get home and decided to leave even though I had told him I wanted to go back to work as we are broke as fuck. I have zero gas in my car and still owe on my electric bill.
I hope that EVERYONE thoroughly enjoys using my daughter as a weapon and to keep me restricted. I guess when I’m unable to pay bills or end up getting my car repossessed then maybe it might become a thought that I needed help with my daughter so I was able to work and keep money flowing. I spent $200 on my credit card yesterday to buy stuff for the house to which he benefitted from as well and then today, he picked a fight on purpose so he could go do whatever he wanted. I have no doubt that this was intentional because all he cares about is going out to get drunk.
So, I’m just going to make sure I’m doing all the school pick ups and drop offs and not doing a fucking thing for him and then when he asks about it, I’ll tell him I don’t have any money. Since he wants to not help with my daughter because he’s a pouty little baby that’s also an alcoholic, I’m not going to do shit anymore either. It’s just a crazy thing that I had a BD that wouldn’t ever take her and actually parent because he didn’t want to do shit to help me out and then I find myself with a selfish alcoholic that does the exact same thing!!!!
Having a child isn’t what stresses me out. It’s the fact that everyone else gets to pick and choose if they help or not. But, I’m not to ever get mad or react. I’m just to take it in stride and just pray that I make enough during the day while she’s at school and if I don’t, well then shit isn’t going to get paid.
I honestly believe that everyone likes that I’m in the predicament that I am. It’s been like this since she was born. Almost 8 years now. I just enjoy working and making money to take care of my daughter and they’ve all done everything in their power to help keep me down. I would have never imagined being with a man that claims to love me and my child but helps keep me in this spot even though I pay bills which also affects him.
I do apologize to everyone that reads my entries. I’m just a broken record. Nothing ever changes. It’s just the same shit show day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. I don’t have hardly anyone to talk to so I put it all in here. I feel so bad for other Mom’s that go through this exact same thing. It’s fucking miserable and makes me think terrible things about everyone, including myself. I want to get a real job but if I was to work until 5pm, well my daughter has to be picked up at 2:45 and there isn’t anyone reliable. This is my situation and this is how it’s going to be until she’s able to be home by herself.
My boyfriend is full blown crazy. I get that he’s from a different world and has been though more shit than a lot of people but he’s so quick to minimize my problems and what I’ve experienced. I’m tired of his drinking, smoking, emotional rollercoaster bullshit. I wish I would have never met him and gave up my own place to move in with him. I honestly can’t believe this is my life and I wake up everyday hoping I’m going to wake up in my own bed where I used to live. I long for my life before he came into it. He’s just mean and nasty and loves to stress me out about my court hearing coming up. He acts like he just wants me to fluff it off and not give a shit. Okay well if I were to pack up and leave, I could get hit with kidnapping. I can’t just up and leave the state without serious consequences. I don’t believe he ever stops and thinks about what I go through with this is my head all day long.
My feelings aren’t important to anyone. No matter what’s happened to me, I’m not to talk about it or it affect my personality or daily life. I grew up in poverty, squalor with my Dad molesting me. I had a baby where I went through my entire pregnancy alone and have raised her this way up until a year ago. I’ve never had anyone truly make me feel heard. I still don’t feel safe. I wish I could just go home but I don’t have a home anymore. I don’t feel like I’m at home when I’m here because he is miserable to be around a lot of the time. Just the other day he balled up a rachet strap and threw it right next to my face. He also likes to scream at me being inches away from my face. That’s domestic violence.
I should have stayed single and after this, there’s nothing anyone will be able to do or say that will convince me to be in another relationship. I knew I was better off by myself and I still feel that way. If all I can find is miserable alcoholics with severe mental issues, I’m better off alone. I’m tired of him and I honestly hope I get home one day and he’s packed his shit and left. I don’t even care if he were to take anything of mine with him. I am starting to hate him. I don’t enjoy being around him. I think he picks fights on purpose so he can leave. I think he’s always been on the back burner with women and now has me who fights to be with him. But what am I fighting for? To be upset 24/7?!?!? Because that’s how it is. I’m tired of the way he is, the way he treats me, the fact that I can’t ever vent to him without him blowing it out of proportion and I try to keep a lot of shit from him because I’m scared of him beating the shit out of people.
As sad as it is to say, I don’t blame BD for not liking him. I see how it would be hard to see his child in the car with my boyfriend who’s sitting in the passenger seat drinking, being loud and stupid. I see why he isn’t liked by my family anymore and I’m severely pissed that he had to go put his hands on my little brother the night before my Mom got the money from her house so we didn’t get paid. It is his fault. Completely.
I’m now in debt because I helped him get another phone. I also pay for his beer and shots EVERY FUCKING DAY which adds up to about $600 a month. Just for his alcohol! I also pay for the internet, all the subscriptions, the electric and all the household stuff such as food, shampoo, and paper products but if you were to talk to him, he minimizes all of that. I would have way more money if I wasn’t with him. I’m tired of not making much money and having to share the majority of what I do make. If it wasn’t for him, I’d have bills paid up for a couple of months and money saved. I don’t think he ever considers what sacrifices I’ve made for him and I’m so fucking sick of never feeling appreciated.
This is definitely not how I pictured life with someone. I’m not happy and I need to figure out how to get happy. I have a child to take care of and I would be better off it be just her and I, like it was. I’m sick of this constant drinking bullshit and him picking fights on purpose. I’m tired of feeling like I do. I just don’t think this is how love is supposed to feel. It’s the typical narc shit of bouncing between love bombing and devaluing. I’ve been living this for months now and I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. It’s also bullshit how much he threatens to leave. He pays the rent and he knows that I don’t have money to pay it if he leaves. It’s like he wants to leave me before I leave him. I don’t care who leaves, if I have to get rid of my pets and go stay in a homeless shelter, then I fucking will but I’m not going to keep living like this.
Sometimes I feel like I’d be better off dead but then I think how selfish that is because I have a little girl who loves me more than life. I just feel so depleted and empty. The only love I really have in my heart is for my daughter. I have tried to love my boyfriend but he’s pretty unlovable most of the time. I’m running out of patience for him and a lot of the time, I don’t care what happens to him. I feel like I’m constantly trying to be affectionate or act like I’m attracted to him but I’m not. I force myself to put on a good act like I care.
I’m going to play on my phone for awhile and hope tomorrow is better.
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