Geez! Lately, I have been getting into my feels. I have spent my entire life basically detached from everything. A few times in my life I have leaned into allowing someone to know my true feelings and something always steps in and separates me from that. I think it stems from living with a narcissist step father. Or maybe it was living in the shadow of an uncle that everyone saw more talented than me. I was literally told by my grandfather once - you’ll never be as good as he is. Even to this day, I feel guilty when I accomplish something musically. I was at an awards show last week - no one in my family cared enough to say anything.
Maybe this is why the guy from my hometown went on his rant. Maybe it’s the universe’s way of keeping me humbled? Pretty messed up if that’s the case.
I think I’m tired of feeling guilty of my accomplishments. I’m tired of trying to carry a false sense of humility. Don’t get me wrong - I am extremely humbled that I get to experience the things I experience, but I’m tired of feeling guilty about it.
I am also tired of not being allowed to express how I feel. At the moment, I feel alone even though I have a ton of friends around me. If I say it out loud my loneliness becomes someone else’s fault. I shouldn’t feel this way because these people are in my life - but maybe it’s not about them. Maybe, it’s just about me and there should be no guilt in that.
It also feels like everything in life has become transactional. I’ll do this if you do that. That is exhausting! I know - this post is all over the map but I warned you I was in my feels.
To be continued....
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