Pain feels real, does that mean it is honest? Faith feels false, does that mean it is a liar?
Existential fatigue. That is today’s mood forecast. I put in so much effort and get no reward. Maybe you can’t see how great you’re doing because you keep raising the bar?
I am at ground zero today. Home sweet home. Back to where I started. What was the point of anything? Everything caught up with me and pulled me under. I refuse to gaslight myself with toxic positivity.
What came first? The chicken or the egg?
Do I have depression because of negative thoughts, or do I have negative thoughts because of depression? A month ago, an elder explained that I do not have room for dopamine because of stress hormones. That is the exact logic and reasoning I can work with. His solution was ceremony. Ancient wisdom is great, but we have modern problems. We are up against microplastics, EMFs, vaccinations, etc. Meditation and healing crystals aren’t going to fix everything. We have a metabolic issue, not a mindset issue. I need to clean my body out. Healing isn’t supposed to be salvation. It is not a life’s journey. You eat and do what is natural to your body, period. That’s it. That is the assignment. We don’t catch disease, we create it. We need to get out of the dumb ages and own our responsibility.
My first step to correcting my metabolic issue was to quit coffee. It uses stress hormones to wake me up. I am tired of being in emergency mode. I stopped kidding myself. I can’t say that I want to get better and then abuse myself with coffee. I’m finishing up week three of no coffee, and this continues to be a long and painful detox.
I’m noticing a sensitivity to my green tea, just like everything else that I have quit. I went to bed with high anxiety last night and woke up with low depression. Something went wrong, and I am tired of trying because I am tired of failing. ADHD, hair loss, dysmorphia, burnout, a stalled creative project, disconnection from purpose, and biochemical crashes, oh my!
I don’t want to want. Wanting hurts. That is the bottom line. If I just didn’t care, ignorance could be bliss.
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