Be me?
I drank a cup of coffee at 5pm.
FIVEPM WHY DID I DO IT
So naturally I’m tired but VIGILANT. lol. It’s actually almost my normal bedtime. So not too late.
I find it weird…? How I can just sit there and observe other people get totally unnerved as they try to judge me but they just get more and more inconsistent with their narrative.
It’s a skill I guess.
Idk what it is exactly, though. I’m like. Huh. This person is totally judging me. I wonder what they think. And they have some tells, like quips and baits and different things. You know what I mean? When someone is fishing for you have some kind of reaction? Lots of times is an intentional error, and they wait for me to correct them. Except I don’t. So they go on a bit more awkwardly and the next bait comes, maybe it’s a dig on one or another religion or political stuff or WHATEVER. And you it’s going to be absolutely nothing from me by now, right? So that’s pretty unnerving for normies, I think. And I can see the nerves. The nervousness and the anxiety.
Okay, so I’m not a monster or anything. I’m just perpetually curious. I’m like oh, wow, what’s she going to do with all those nerves?! It’s really interesting to me. And, I don’t feel any kind of temptation to rescue people. None. At all. I’m just like, this is where rubber meets the road, the show is just starting up! And she’s the one that’s putting it on!
But also. It’s like, if you’re going to judge me, then go right ahead. Why would I care? I’m not going to stop you. I’m not going to correct you.
I find it interesting that she tried to be relatable by going through posts and judging the people there. Like, this girl has sunglasses on. Lol. Okay… So I would need to tell this girl that I don’t actually judge people based on my standards. That’s ludicrous. Absolutely stupid waste of time ignorant and I just don’t do it- not because I thinks it’s bad or that I shouldn’t. But because that is simply not how judging works. That’s just condemnation.
No, I can only judge people based on their standards.
And you know what? That’s a lot of work. I ain’t got time for dat. I mean there are obvious and flamboyant examples that anyone can see from 10 thousand feet like tattoos and blue hair or whatever, but if I was about to spend a good solid minute reading someone’s wordy post and then judge them, just… Why? What value am I getting out of it? I need to be PAID for my feedback. This shits not free.
This conversation today strikes me as more and more strange. I don’t like it. I don’t like the woman.
Maybe it’s my equanimity? I feel like I could be bored with it, but I’m actually not. I still wonder what exactly I’m so fascinated with.
People are always simply telling us all about themselves. Even when they’re not. The exchange wasn’t about a topic. It was this woman telling me about herself. How she judges me. How she judged that I am judging, or condemning. Maybe I bring that out in people?
And, she told me about meditation. I’m not against it. I actually practiced yoga for a long time- not the poses kind. But it’s really difficult to know who’s feelings you are feeling. Impossible, really. It’s very difficult or impossible to map it out and get a compass and a bearing. The inner world is not without its own monsters. I think that is where all of them come from, anyway.
Being in feeling and in denial of ego is a fallacy. I think Westerners have the most challenging sort of indoctrination to deal with - and the “solutions” placed in their midst just as bad.
Steiner tells us we must have a firm grasp on empirical reality, rational thought, and reason, before ever attempting to embark upon a spiritual journey. And meditation is a spiritual journey. It is at least an attempt at one. I can attest that it is without doubt terrifying to face the void before a stable reason is the foundation of thinking. And now, for me, there is no fear. Or at least, I recognize the fear without identifying with it and being afraid.
That is the guaranteed path to Christ, by the way. One must have a firm understanding of the emotional realm and how it manifests reality from moment to moment. Directions are emotions. One can feel through the world in love, or fear, but not both because they are in opposing directions. Occasionally, something (I’m not claiming to know what) appears in my awareness and attempts to elicit fear. And that is exactly like someone calling your name from across a busy highway. You sense it. You can see it, but once you recognize what it is they are asking, or what direction they are calling you to, the awareness itself is enough.
In the exactly same way an oft repeated lie that is assumed to be true, simply fails once an awareness of it’s fallacy is acknowledged. The awareness of it’s fallacy is all that is required to completely neuter the power of the lie.
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