I am not one of those vile and profane gremlins that needs to be coddled when upset. I’m an adult. I need to be alone to process things. I’m inflexible on this matter. I don’t want to need people to understand this but I need them to understand this because English doesn’t have the requisite words to express the level of contempt I feel when someone tries to get me to compromise. I have a process and I need to hyperfocus and I can’t afford to be mindful of anyone else for a second. I’m a masker. I don’t expect anyone to understand what that means but if they did, this would be a no-brainer.
I don’t provide a warning when I need to shrink my surroundings. I don’t want wellness checks. This is when object permanence is on my side. You’re dead to me. The world is literally dead to me. My world is no longer bigger than myself and that is what I need. I don’t like to use the word need but this is a need— time and space. My process is personal. I don’t need anyone to crash my pity party. You’re uninvited.
I haven’t been getting time and space to recalibrate. I am trying but it is like trying to start a fire in the rain. I always put myself first because I have people that I need to be okay for. It is getting hard to be okay because I haven’t been able to get what I need to be okay. It’s coming, I’m just getting very impatient. It is making me vindictive and spiteful and my masking efforts can only go so far. My inner world is dark and full of terrors. My mind is sharp but my tongue is sharper and I don’t want anyone to get hurt. All I want to do right now is bring the pain. What will that do? Push people away where I need them to be right now.
But alas, I save face. I hold it all in. Hold it all together. I don’t understand people’s public displays of attention. Society wants us to participate in it. They’re trying to legislate empathy. It’s narcissistic. Sheltering… look at all these failed adults with poor coping skills because they didn’t learn how to suffer. I’m not hurting when I drink, get high, binge eat, have that affair, make that purchase, etc. etc. I just look around and see grown folks who can’t run, can’t shit, can’t catch their breaths… I don’t agree to believe that everyone failing at life is a victim. People have weak characters and make bad choices. If I’m wrong, then doing better would make things worse.
When did self-love become about giving up? I accept that I live this way and society needs to stop stigmatizing it. If we wouldn’t let a child live like like that then maybe we don’t love ourselves the way we think we do. Just a thought.
I’ve vented enough for today.
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