All my defenses are down.
I was sick for almost a whole month. I was barely able to keep it together. Now that my body is done healing and I am on the other side of it, all my defenses are down. They were weathered through. My ADHD is running rampant. My diet is poor. There is no structure anywhere to be seen and I’ve been very emotional.
The emotions I am experiencing are not exactly negative. It’s empathy, for example. I can actually feel what I feel for others. I am also able to receive. I am feeling the love, so to speak. Everybody bought me a gift for my birthday. I was so confused. We don’t do that for each other. You like me. Right now, you really like me.
I just completed a two-day suicide prevention workshop. It was heavy stuff. We all had a chance to make some closing remarks and a woman there thanked me for the comic relief. She even cried about it. Other people chimed in and said that I got them through it. I helped them want to stay. The instructors chimed in as well. They thanked me for my contributions. Throughout the course, they were saying I’m going to use that. To some of the things I had to say. I had a room full of strangers telling me how much I touched them. I don’t know what to do with that. I’m overwhelmed.
I’ll numb myself out eventually I’m sure. Not consciously. At some point in my life, I learned that my emotions are not safe so I don’t let myself feel them. I’m learning to create space for them now, even though I don’t know what that looks like. I intellectualize everything. It isn’t a bad thing that I am relaxed. I’m not exactly falling apart. I’m safe and sound. I don’t have to be so uptight.
I don’t want to care anymore. I just want to eat what I want, drink what I want, do what I want, do who I want, etc. That is the vibe when I get burned out. Don’t ever tell yourself no. Someone said in a show I watched yesterday. That’s all I do. The best version of myself is someone with parameters. I got what I wanted but it is time to act right again. I need to dial things in. I have the tools to do so. I feel the guilt and frustration with myself but I also feel the relief of not fighting. Give up, give in, or give it all you get. Giving all you got is hard and I’m enjoying that I gave up. I like a quitter, apparently. I’m not fighting. I’m not masking. It’s been a sweet surrender but I have to give a shit again.* Monday is when I will reset.
Someone I met at the workshop gave me the contact information for someone in my city who is from Peru and performs Ayahuasca ceremonies. Am I tempted? I don’t like drugs but I am
Ayahuasca curious. I’ll stew on it.
I’m back at the office today and I am looking forward to it. I felt homesick at the workshop. It’s just my team at the office but I miss my boy Andy. I can tell the feeling is mutual. We’re building drums today with an elder. Then I am going to a Christmas party. My old work is having one late and I invited myself. I miss my old coworkers. It will be like closure for me.
On with my day then.
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