there was a moment there i almost had it in Sometimes I feel dead inside

i come back here from time to time. sometimes to look back, sometimes to dump things. though in the last few years things have started to hit with the same velocity or maybe ferocity? so many friends passing away, so many reasons to stay inside, so few reasons to do anything. wondering what my life’s mission, what is the goal? i’ve tried writing this 5 times now. its weird to just get lost in what i’m trying to say or get out or whatever it is these days. am i trying to fool myself that what i really want is still here? am i the greatest villain in my story? complicit in conspiring against my very own house. the greatest saboteur is the one making decisions? i don’t know. i’ve made some dumb moves in my life. i’ve made some smart moves, but never what feels like the dumbest or smartest. i get excited about stuff and try to make it happen and fail and try again. is it insanity or resilience? sure small victories, i learn a little bit more about myself and feel bolder than before. my bad luck comes from reliance on others at time. but i let them fail me. i almost know its coming and don’t bother to stop it, even if i knew how. i’d say i’m letting my friends pull me down, but at this point their expected failure has rubbed me the wrong way. i’m tired of covering for people. i’m tired of getting screwed over cause i’m nice to the people in my life. i’m tired of them not matching my energy when it comes to THEIR projects, jobs, life in general. if i’m helping you out have the decency to at least not waste my time. show up on time don’t waste my time cause you can’t get yourself together. if you don’t want to do something why do i have to harass you like i’m your parent? like i’m the one who’s idea it was to do these things. unable to see your own short comings are the exact reason why you’re not getting ahead. which i fear is a reflection of me. does this mean theres a simple way to get what i want but i refuse to see it or do it? is it something so simple and easy that if i wasn’t so preoccupied with whatever trivial thing i’m stuck on i’d be killing it? the end of the year is always a great time for self reflection. also where does this excitement over every new thing come from? why do i get so amped about a new project? new song? new film? new short? who knows but i can taste it on the air....again.