good news in just testing

I’m always in here complaining - so I guess I should write some good news.

If you’ve seen my FB you already know I’ve been named employee of the month at my job. They call it “apple of my eye” - cute school thing.

I get my picture up in the school - not a great pic but the school doesn’t have may pix of me - and I May get a gift card to somewhere. I would love a visa or amex card that I could spend on anything but I might get a movie card or a starbux card. I’ve seen them given out before.

I pretty much thought it was only for teachers, cause I’ve only seen one other office worker get in the year and few months that I’ve been there.

So I was very surprised when I was told it was me :)

I’m awkward about praise and attention - so I maybe didn’t make a big deal about it at work. I was like ‘oh God, I have to have my picture up’ etc. Cause I know everyone’s gonna see at school.

I put it up on my fb and I have a few school friends on my fb who have seen it and liked it - but now like 200 parents are gonna see it… blah blah.

It’s really nice, I just get weird about attention but I’m - mentally - trying to embrace it.

To tell myself that they like me even tho I’ve been off diet since labor day weekend.

It’s so weird - my diet. Sometimes I eat like shit and think I’ve gained and I’ll get compliments and when I really try to restrict and be hard with myself my pants get tighter.

Which doesn’t make logical sense so I dunno what’s up.

And I know when you don’t eat enough your body holds on to fat - or at least I’ve heard something like that. But if you eat everything and gain weight - or eat less and gain weight - then where do I win?

As I get older I wish I could get that lap band surgery. I’ve never really wanted it before cause I don’t really believe in unnecessary surgeries and sometimes they leave you with more problems than you started with and sometimes they don’t work at all. I know at least 1 person who did the gastric bypass and it messed up her ability to absorb food from nutrients and she gained all the weight back.

BUT this was supposed to be a happy entry so I’ll gloss over all that for now.

I’m happy about the recognition - I’ve never gotten that, from any job. Not in an official ‘picture on the wall’ type thing.

And they also wrote a blurb that is overflowing with compliments - almost too much.

I’m feeling guilty I even ever job searched. I dunno. I DO like the job and esp. feel appreciated now, I just wish I made more money.

I could try looking up part time jobs again.

When I first got this job and Will had Saturday and Sundays off, I didn’t want to work weekends. And part time retail type places want you to work weekends.

And then when he ONLY had Saturdays off then I REALLY didn’t want to agree to work weekends.

But nowadays part of me is still pissed that he’s working Saturdays instead of spending time with me. If he doesn’t care, why should I. Maybe I should just put my bills ahead of my marriage - like he has - and get a weekend job to save more $$.

Sure, I’d have no time to spend it but I’d have less time to complain about it also.

Oh well - anyway. The ex, Ricardo keeps looking at my linkedin profile. I thought the last time he did that I blocked him. But maybe I didn’t… maybe you can’t block on linked in. He hasn’t written anything but I get a notification through email every time he looks.

And I guess it’s not a crime to look but I just don’t like seeing his name in my email - I don’t really want to think about him. I don’t ‘hate’ him.... I just rather not remember any relationships - esp since they all ended with heartache on my end. I felt deeply for my relationships and the main reason I was forced to leave was because they didn’t love me as much as I loved them.

I looked at his FB - it says he’s in a relationship - I was tempted to write him an message telling him to stop looking and to not write back to the message. But then I didn’t do it.

I made my profile ‘unvisable’ - not super great for a job hunt but it’s not like anyone’s really looking or I ever got a job that way. I haven’t been super active on there anyway.