Priorities in 2014

I told Amber, on July 1st, that she had until September 1st to make up her mind about me. I told her that for those two months, I would not enter into any other relationship and that she would be one of the main focuses of my life. Well, it’s September 8th. After a great deal of time and effort, I think that it’s time to start backing off. I’m not going to cut things out altogether. Not yet anyway. But, I need to start reordering my life. I’ll start here with a brief explanation of why the relationship with Amber is so problematic, and then I’ll go into what I’m going to do.
Simply put, Amber and I have lingering relationship problems that can only be solved through having a relationship, or, through years and years of feelings fading. We are very different and we struggle to communicate. A lot of this is due to the amount of baggage that we’ve got. In order for us to be around each other, we have to expend a great deal of work. A relationship (romantic) would allow this to happen because we’d have the time and motivation to dedicate more time and effort to fixing the problems. I believe that we’d also have enough trust and patience (in the context of a romantic relationship) to allow us to heal a lot of old, festering, wounds. On the other hand, simply being around each other for years on end could possibly result in us wearing down the other’s rough edges, so to speak. I don’t think it’s likely, but I concede it as a possibility. The problem with option one is that she has a boyfriend that she won’t break up with. The problem with option two is that I’m moving to Japan and she’s moving to Scotland. I leave for Japan in March. This means that the years to wear down to friends option is not there. A relationship is the only option. However, even if she were to dump her boyfriend tonight, she’d still need at least a month before dating me. That’s six months. I don’t know if six months is enough. I’m fairly certain that less than six months probably isn’t.
I developed a crush on Courtney in ‘01, got dumped by her in ‘02, got over her in ‘04, and finished healing the damage from that whole debacle in ‘07. Six years. I developed a crush on Rachael in ‘06 (ish) got dumped just before ‘08, got over her in ‘14, and will know the results of the recovery sometime after I’ve been able to measure the long term results (kind of how we’re unsure whether Voyager has left the solar system or not simply because we don’t know what it’s like outside well enough to judge). A process of (at least) seven years. I do not have that kind of time to waste on Amber. We are drawn to each other, but we cannot work things out without a romantic entanglement. If this is impossible, then I’m fairly certain that the only thing to do is to saw my own leg off to get out of the mire, and cauterize the stump. It’s probably in my best interest to do this as soon as the situation is proving to have more actual damage than potential benefit.
In the last few weeks, my relationship with Amber has switched and has become a negative impact on my life. I am almost certain. The problem is, I am expending FAR too much time, effort, emotion, and energy on her. Were we a couple, I would gladly do ten times what I do now. She’d be able to reciprocate. As it is, she cannot. We have a lovely time together, then, she asks me to call her on the way home. But as soon as I’m gone, the guilt starts, and we generally end up fighting on the phone. I’m getting tired.
I’m not ready to cauterize yet, but I do need to take my life back. To that end, I’m going to make a list of my priorities, and I’m going to keep at them in that order. I think that having a clear cut course of action is probably best, and here is where I shall do it. The first two I am sure of.
1. Body.
2. Money
Body: I must make it to at least seven hours of yoga a week. I won’t say that I need to go every day because that is simply impractical, but, I can make seven hours a week happen. This is the number one priority in body.
My second priority within the category of body is to stay under my calorie limit every day on Myfitnesspal.
My third is to do some other form of exercise if and whenever possible, after having done yoga.
Yoga is my main focus at the moment because yoga is the means by which I may be able to do more, and better, exercises. My inflexibility and bizarre muscular system are something that I must overcome before I can more onto more efficient cardio exercise (running) and before I even attempt weight lifting, which is the ultimate goal.
Secondly, weight loss is my over arching goal. However, I think that, from time to time, I may be allowed to exceed my calorie goal. Not often. I’m still recovering from weeks of sickness/playing host. I’m several weeks behind schedule with weight loss, and it irks me. Still, it is a more flexible goal than yoga. To that end, Myfitnesspal calorie counting takes second.
Additional exercises are third because they are not, strictly speaking, necessary. Provided I am doing my yoga and staying under my calorie goal, then there is no profound need for additional exercise. It does, however, benefit goals one and two, in addition to being fun and a good habit. That is why it takes third.
Money: I must weed four hours a day unless I have a damned good reason not to. I am in need of money, and it’s becoming more serious. I just bought a LOT of clothing on credit that I’ll need to repay. It turns out that my computer is shot and I’ll need a new laptop soon. In addition, I’ve got to be saving for Japan. Plus, you know, incidentals. Sometimes, it’s nice to splurge. I would like to go to the opera and symphony as they start up again, for instance.
In addition to working more in the garden, I’m going to spend less money on Amber. Now, tomorrow will be a notable exception (it’s her birthday) but a GREAT deal of my income has been making its way to her. While there have been some results (her attitude towards me, etc.) I can no longer count on gains from what I spend. Lack of money is stressing me out. Spending on her no longer makes me happy. It’s an expense that I will now diminish.
My later goals I’m not entirely certain how to rank. Those two are the big ones. Here are the other things I’d like to focus on:
Art (writing/music/theater), new friendships, Japanese, self study, and spirituality. However, I’m not sure where/how to order them.
I think that Japanese takes a back seat for the moment. Really, it’s impossible for me to get at level 2 before December, so there’s no real point in studying very much right now.
Regarding art, I’m doing stuff at The Theater again, but I think that it needs to take a back seat to money for a while. As for writing, I’ll do that as I feel like it. As for music, I’ve rather enjoyed writing music lately. I’ve written a lot of songs to/for/about Amber. For all the good its done me. It’s been, honestly, really enjoyable, though, and I find myself REALLY wanting to make more time for my ukulele.
Spirituality I think needs to be pushed off a bit. Until I can clear Amber out of my head (and heart), at least to some degree, it’s hard to put anything else in. It’s sad, but, hopefully we’ll get there. If she stops calling on her way home from work, it’ll make my life quite a bit easier. If less colorful.
Intellectual pursuits have been lax lately. I barely read anymore, which is generally an indication that something is profoundly wrong. Which, I suppose, things are. Well, no profoundly. At least, not that I can see. I’m losing sight of myself, and that’s something that cannot be allowed to happen. I recently read a good book on Heian Japan, which was nice. It made me want to read more. I think maybe I’ll brush up on some old Japanese text books. Yeah. I think that’s the ticket. Hooray for decisions!
Regarding friends; I think the biggest issues for that are time and money. I don’t really have the time to add anybody new to my life. I suppose that I will as The Starlight slows down (in November) and as my workouts become more efficient (in November). I’ll also be getting a new job in late October which should, I hope, allow me to meet new and interesting people. I think that I’ve been in an isolated little bubble for a long time, and I’m curious as to the opinions about me from people who haven’t known me since I was thirteen. Other people are the mirrors that allow us to glimpse ourselves. But it’s hard to know if a mirror is flawed, or if you are. Sometimes I suspect that I’m in a lovely little echo chamber. Other times I suspect that I am, in fact, potentially the greatest thing since sliced bread. Again, though, that’s something tough to work on.
So, where does Amber fall into this?
Well, I don’t know. She’s under number 2. So, maybe she’s 3? Maybe she’s 4, or 5, or 6. I don’t know. It’s almost impossible to say, at the moment. There is a part of me that wants to push harder. There is a part of me that wants to cut and cauterize now. There is a part of me that wants to endure as much as I can, possibly even more than is possible, and to see this through until March. We’ll see.
This entry has been something of a disappointment. I’d expected to get things more and more ordered. The key thing, though, is that I’ve got at least my top two set. The rest, I think, will fall in where they’re able. These two things must be the foundation. Without a sound body, I cannot expect to have a sound anything else. It alters all else. And without money, I’ll stress out insanely, as I’ve been doing.
I think I’m also going to set weekly goals as well for one small project a week.
This week:
By Friday, I’ll have finished another Shane play and I’ll have e-mailed Maria about transferring my money.
There we go.