I've been playing with the concept of what if. What if instead of letting myself spiral I found some way to push forward until I figured it out? What if instead of trying to fix or heal this pain inside me I just accepted it as part of who I am? On the surface that sounds like a horrible idea. I mean who wants pain, and pushing through it sounds terrible and like something that would cause more pain than hurt.
When I roll it between my fingers though, and really inspect it I am starting to wonder. The other day I found myself pretty proud of me doing just that, pushing through the emotion, setting it aside and playing life even though life didn't seem worth playing. An last night as I laid in bed early admiring the darkness that surrounded me the cold air, and pitch black comfort of my bedroom I thought... Everyone has something they have to live with.
Bouts of emotional pain leading to suicidal thoughts coming out of no where just might be mine. I've had this as long as I can remember and I used to be happy despite it. I mean I was always unhappy as well that's just how it goes with this type of demon, but it's granted me some serious insight. In a way it has been a gift of sorts, not just a terrible, terrible curse. So what if I stopped trying to fix it, and just accepted it as a part of myself?
-janedoe
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