I've started reading a book called "Love yourself like your life depends on it." by Kamal Ravikant. I'll be honest I am NOT a self help reader. I am the first to believe the self help genre is half shit everyone already knows and half bull.
Based on that opinion, coupled with the fact I am well versed in my own psychological issues, as far as what they are, and how they say to fix them I have steered clear of many a would be a hard/paper backed life preserve. This particular book, perhaps doesn't rely on some revolutionary philosophy but it does say something that seems to me might work at least against my particular brand of issues.
Love yourself. Kamal tells you, to repeat it over and over. "I love myself." He emphasizes you don't even have to believe it just say it. Say it all the time whether you are taking a shower, doing the laundry, looking out a window, laying in bed. "I love myself."
If you are like me, the very idea and certainly the first attempt will make you laugh, sneer, or squirm uncomfortably. Because personally I hate myself. I mean I am the very definition of self loathing. My inner track repeats things more akin to. "You are worthless", "They would be better off without you.", "You can't do anything right.", "You are always sick/depressed.", "You arn't enough", "You're lazy.", "You are out of shape.", "Why can't you do better?", "I'm so tired, I'm always tired."...And so on an so on.
But that's why in theory this is supposed to work. It is supposed to retrain those negative self thoughts into Love. Because once you start saying "I love myself" Whether you believe it or not, you have made a commitment to try. And trying is hard!
If you are constantly thinking "I love myself" you start to see things differently. You start to ask questions like "If I loved myself would I allow this?" This might be a bad person, a negative emotion even. After all if you think about someone you love and they were not taking care of themselves you'd help wouldn't you? If they were sad you'd go out of your way to cheer them up, if they felt miserable, ashamed, or worse you'd talk to them considerately, and comfortingly.
It's a difficult process, and I will admit attempting it is what sent me into my downward spiral. The very idea of trying to love myself was so complicated for me I literally was convinced suicide was my only option. I was horrified at my physical/emotional response to just attempting using the phrase in my head over and over as the book said.
My body repelled it. My mind rejected it, and I found myself ending the attempt and in place of despair without hope.
I noticed I had to use the phase to motivate me to do something as simple, and self serving as use the energy to get up and take a piss instead of just laying in bed in pain. To push myself to the shower, or get done what I needed to get done that day.
By attempting to reprogram my thoughts, to replace my bad cycle with a healthy one, I had to constantly stare right in the face of my demons, my self loathing glaring back at me, foaming at the mouth, snarling desperate to rip my throat out, and it was an ugly, beast.
I hadn't known how ugly, how terrifying, how cruel it could be, because I have spent my life running from it, while it apparently grew in size and deformity. What's worse is when I realized..
That even though I am told I am a good, nice, caring person. That I am also this person, this horrible monstrosity, that side of me is ruthless, and wants me to die. It is not compassionate, it is a dark unyielding savage and it was me. Staring at me right in the eye as I tried to battle it, like a reflection.
And I was terrified.
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