#291- Baby blue's in Magician Card

My friend’s baby should be born soon. She’s been on drugs during her pregnancy, lives at home with parents, has a lot of mental health issues. I feel for the baby the most. I guess I’m jealous. I’m jealous I can’t just stop and pop a baby out because sometimes I just have baby fever. I had a miscarriage at one point, I’m in a stable relationship.
All these good things, they fell into place. Yet I’m young, so is my friend. She had an accidental baby and she’s trying to make it work. I tried to look at it from her perspective and I decided it’s probably more stressful than it is a wonderful thing like it would be for stable people.

Having a baby at this age would be a lot in general. I couldn’t imagine not having the support of the father or not having a car, drivers license, or a highschool graduation. They’re lacking so much and they have instead chose to have a baby.

Makes you wonder sometimes with people. The only thing I have been able to do is try to be supportive. That’s all I can do. I want to be overly judgemental which isn’t hard to do considering they are already in a less-than-ideal place for a baby at the moment.

I could be harsher on them in my mind but I would think having a baby right now with all their issues is already enough harsh treatment for them. People are probably judging like crazy as it is. And I’m really trying…

but I decided maybe I just need to put myself first. This person also took advantage of me a lot when I was younger, could be very rude and degrading. A horrible person to be friends with. Yet I grew up with them and I know what it’s like to be left by your partner while pregnant. Which is also what they are going through at the moment.

I had a miscarriage in 2021 that was late-term and things have gotten better since. I just finished up a year of therapy, everything is good. Yet I can’t help but be jealous that my arms are empty…and theirs are not. There are people who deserve to be parents, and there are some that don’t. Unfortunately the human body doesn’t choose if you get pregnant based off of that criteria.

In the end I also have so much going for me. I am going back to school for my last year and then I can get a job. I found a part time job so I’m making my own money, I’m getting to travel and go places with a wonderful partner. Being able to see him often and be loved on by such a wonderful person. I also have wonderful friends, like this nice life. All these things…except no baby.

And a part of me is perfectly okay with just collecting baby clothes, little knick knacks. Enjoying my alone time, being able to sleep, and having a partner that I spend all my time with. We don’t have to worry about providing. And all the attention is between me and him. There are no third parties involved. It’s nice.

It’s hard to try to be grateful for what I have and not be so jealous of them having a baby. Sometimes I am depressed when I hear updates. It causes a lot of emotional distress. I cry other times. At least I would never hurt them because of my jealousy. I just scream into the void of my internet journal and try not to judge my emotions.

Emotions by themselves can’t hurt anyone. It’s not the emotion, but what you choose to do with the emotion that determines if it’s bad or not. And so I’m not hurting anyone by processing it here at least.

I just feel guilty. Like so guilty. There’s a part of me that is also saddened because I have lost my own baby and everyone is currently either having them or have young children. All the people I know seem to be doing something of a sort. And there is nothing wrong with being where I’m at. I actually prefer no babies right now. I like it as it is.

But that doesn’t stop the pain or grief. This emptyness that sometimes sets in on me. And when you’re surrounded by people who are getting the thing you don’t have, it really can be enough to make you cry. Or socially isolate.

I decided maybe that this is a test? Like a test to see how I can control these feelings around the same people who trigger them. Which I think I have already passed the test in that case because I was very good about being supportive. I even shopped for baby items that were for their baby. I didn’t have to, but it did help me feel a little less jealous to try to be happy for someone else genuinely even if they have the thing I want.

I think at some point I have to put myself first though. Unfortunately.
Sometimes we put others first, we allow them to come and go from our lives for their own reasons sometimes. But when extending this sort of right to others, you must also extend it to yourself as well. So if you need to leave someone or someone’s life and take a step back for your own mental health for a bit…then that’s okay!

It’s part of self-love.
Self-love is about wanting to do something, and choosing to step back and not do it anyway if it means preserving your own mental health if it’s really bothering you. I think people need to realize that self-love also is not selfishness.

And so maybe it’s time I step back. I figure after this baby is born then I’ll step back. As far as I feel comfortable and for as long as I want. Heck, even if it’s forever, I have to do what is best for myself. And I think not involving myself too much is what’s best. If at all.