It's done. in Since OD is shutting down....

I went and got my envelopes and finished up the paperwork. It got mailed about an hour ago. I am just so glad to be done with it because it’s a lot of stuff to fill out and there’s a lot of crap you have to send with it like the original CS order and paternity test. My caseworker told me to make sure I’m checking my mail because they’ll be in touch if they need more information or just to let me know when the hearing will be. I’m glad that it’ll be over the phone because then I won’t have to worry about a babysitting.

I think about all the times he got jobs and never showed up and even this most recent thing of quitting and then not taking the next job. He just doesn’t care that he keeps sticking me with everything because it isn’t him to keep her entertained and not get a break. It’s like my friend told me, even if he doesn’t pay it, he’ll just end up owing more. I don’t see him being able to just be jobless for the next 12 fucking years. It’s sad to think about the fact that he’s gone more than half the time she’s been alive not working but I’m planning to start having it modified every 3 years because I can. I thought I was being pretty nice not doing it 3 years ago but I know I’ll hear a rash of shit once he catches wind of this.

There’s a good chance he’ll just send the mail back like he’s always done so he may not even know about the increase until he gets another job which would be ideal. I don’t really want to have to explain why I chose to increase it when not only has he not paid for 2 years but because he just doesn’t think he should have to have any responsibility. Like the other day when he mentioned me stopping CS let me know he doesn’t have any regard for how him being absent and not paying affects our lives. I don’t know where he thinks that I need to just never expect any fucking help from him but I’m tired of being in the spot I’m in because he’s the way he is.

I’m glad that I have a better handle on my emotions now because he thrived off of watching me get angry or hurt. Not only does he get to leave me in this predicament but he got to sit back and watch me completely spiral out of control and I won’t give him that anymore. I won’t let him see how much his actions bother me. He’s done enough damage and I’m not going to let him get even more from my reactions because it’s never changed anything anyway. Of all the times I hoped from some compassion or for him to show mercy, all he did was use my emotions against me and I refuse to let him do that ever again.

It just feels good to have it mailed and know that I don’t have to worry about it anymore.