No No. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I had inquired some free stuff on Marketplace last night and they messaged me this morning to come get it. I drove to the other side of town where the stuff wasn’t outside so we left. I wasn’t about to go in someone’s house that I don’t know. I’m sorry but I care more about safety than getting free shit. They messaged again saying they had other people wanting it so good for them. I just don’t feel comfortable with stuff like that and I’m not going to subject myself or my daughter to something that could end up really bad.

But yeah, still haven’t heard from him. Once again, he has threatened legal action but can’t see his kid unless it’s on his terms. Another thing is I am never going to allow ANYONE to make me feel like I didn’t try or I didn’t try hard enough to give him the chance to be a Dad all these years. He felt that if I allowed him to see his child than that meant I was allowing his abuse too so that’s why I kept the guy blocked most of the time. He can’t differentiate between just being a Dad and not being an abuser and that’s on HIM!

After how nasty he was the other day with trying to hurt my feelings, I can honestly say I’m glad he’s leaving. I don’t need to drama and headache and that’s why I have no regrets for just raising my daughter alone and letting things be. I tried over the years but it doesn’t matter and it’s not like he’s ever going to acknowledge the efforts that I did make. He wants to believe that EVERYTHING is all my fault that I have to just accept that. I know better and so does all the people around me.

He wasn’t a Dad because he didn’t want to be and there’s no convincing me otherwise. He wanted to be a fucking drunk living off people living a double life and being a shit pile. He’s just pissed that I was the no nonsense baby Mama that didn’t allow all the shit he wanted me to and that’s why he’s so fucking bitter. I think about all those times he wanted to move in and it wouldn’t have helped a fucking thing. He wouldn’t have worked nor would he have watched our child so I could so therefore we would have both just been useless living off of our child and I wasn’t about to let that happen!

It’s really sad that we’ve spent the last 6 years living in the same town, most of the time he was less than a mile down the street where I was still a single Mom and even if he stayed it wouldn’t change. I get his circumstances but he chose to spend years not working and things getting worse for him and I refuse to take responsibility for his actions. I’m only going to take responsibility for my own. He has a lot to learn about life and I hope he becomes a better person once he’s making enough money to help himself.

I want good things for him because that means wanting good things for my daughter. I don’t want to hate him anymore or have any more hurt feelings. I’ve spent a lot of time realizing so much about myself and I know I’m ready to make some serious changes. I want to figure out my back problems and childcare so that I can plan to get a damn job. I don’t know how much longer I can sit here by myself and I definitely don’t want another Summer trying to figure out what the hell we are going to do everyday.

All of this is a lot to handle honestly but I do know that the best thing that can happen is for him to leave. I know I want better for him and I’d like to see him happy. I think a lot of the problems we’ve had is because he’s miserable. I’m angry that he didn’t care about my struggle and that I was expected to do it all on my own regardless of what he had going on. I still believe he doesn’t care how hard it’s been for me where I don’t have another person to help when I’ve needed it. I even have anxiety taking my daughter to the park by myself.

Being a single Mom all these years has definitely made me a stronger person but I do seldom think about how differently all of this could have been had he been a better man. There’s only so much I can blame him for but there’s also so much I can blame myself for too. I think I see where I’ve made mistakes but he has yet to see his own. I truly hope he can get his life together and start making sense of things before it’s too late. He’s wasted all these years not being a Dad and missed every single milestone.

The fact that I’ve been left to do it all on my own all these years is unforgivable. For him to sit there and think it’s okay for me to keep doing it all with little to no help from him is despicable. I get that fact that he’s used to me being on my own with raising her is his mindset but if I get the chance to increase the CS so I’m able to actually live a life than I’m going to. He can’t expect this situation to stay as is. He’s made it perfectly clear that he’s still not trying to take any or much responsibility by asking me to stop CS is absolutely astounding.

My daughter deserves so much better than what he’s ever going to be able to give. I know that it’s better for her that he’s never really been around because had he actually been a Dad, this would be way harder for her with him leaving. I’m glad that he’s always been pretty absent because now that he’s going away, it’s so much better for her. The best thing he could have ever done for her is be absent and I completely get that now. I used to think it out of anger but I am so glad that I shut the door on his abuse all these years because it wouldn’t have done either one of us any good letting this drunken lying piece of work to come in and out of our lives. That’s all he ever trying to do anyways.

I can tell that he’s still funny about money too because he’s terrified of me possibly benefitting from it and it’s like who’s money do you think has been used all these years taking care of her?! You don’t think that I’ve gone without because I made sure her needs came first? He needs to understand that it’s not our daughter that’s affected when he’s not paying, it’s me. I get to go without stuff. Bills and car repairs sit on the back burner because I’m expected to pay for everything out of my own pocket! I also get to carry the stress of not receiving help financially! This guy has abused me in every way possible and still thinks he’s not caused me trauma! Like are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!

He thinks I’m just to keep expecting no help from him and be just fine because that’s how it’s been all along. I’m only one person so therefore there’s only so much I can do as 1 person! He doesn’t get it because he’s never been a parent and have any responsibility to her so he has no fucking clue what it’s like. He’s going to be held responsible whether he agrees with it or not. I tried to explain to him the other night when we found him walking that childcare is expensive and I don’t make enough money to cover everything on my own and I shouldn’t be expected to! I’ve done it all long enough!!

I’m just so frustrated with how all of this has been for my daughter and myself. By him choosing to be absent and not contributing financially, it affects her because she didn’t ask for this. She didn’t ask to be born and it’s not fair to her to be stuck around Mom all the damn time. He can’t just expect us to keep going on like this. I love my child and my life with my child but I NEED to have a life outside of it as well. I miss working. I’d like to have the chance to form a social life. Every human on Earth deserves to have a life outside of working and having kids. Like hobbies and interests.

She was supposed to go with her big today but I text and she said she forgot and that she’s stuck at work. My daughter hasn’t asked yet and I don’t plan to say anything until she does. I’m glad she has school for 2 more weeks. I just wish people could EVER prioritize my child especially when they make fucking plans in front of her and then magically forget. Sometimes I seriously don’t know how I deal with all of this without telling people off. We’ve had nothing going on all weekend so it would have been nice for her to get out of the house for a little while and anytime I’m actually praying that it happens is when it doesn’t.

I also love how her Dad and my brother have always told me that I have an anger problem but fail to accept that maybe they are the cause of it. You can only put up with so much before you finally lose your shit!! I also let a lot go before I finally get angry but no one ever acknowledges that part either.