Triggered. in Since OD is shutting down....

I really think I am learning a lot in my healing journey and the first thing is learning my triggers and knowing how to step away and take a breath before reacting. I left a message this morning for the principal to call and she didn’t. I was pretty annoyed and then the lady who suspended my daughter called back where I told her that the other kid hit my daughter first where she said that the kid put her hand on my daughter where she then slapped her so it was indeed my kids fault. I told her my kid has come home with bruises, scratches and full teeth marks where she told me that I need to be reporting it because they want all kids to be safe and I told her I will most definitely start reporting it and I wish I would have when it happened and maybe my kid wouldn’t be suspended now.

It’s nice to see how I handle situations now as opposed to how old me would deal with things. I used to completely lose my shit and look stupid and now I’m more observant and patient and it definitely pays off. I like new me because it’s better to be the way I am now.

BD has talked to her on the phone and wants to take her swimming. I don’t really know how I feel about this until I mention that we need to be more mindful about what we are saying to her because I really don’t want to deal with her acting out at school again and I’m not going to let her go until I say something about it. I plan to be super decent about it but something needs to be said.

I’ve decided that I don’t plan to block him as long as he stays decent because I don’t want to be accused of parental alienation but he needs to change his shit too. Again, it can’t just be me trying to make things work. I refuse to be the only one putting forth work and effort here like I’ve done so many times in the past.

I don’t plan to be so defensive any more and one of my main issues has always been bringing up CS, enrollment and constantly going on and on about it. I don’t plan to say a fucking word. He knows that he doesn’t contribute and that’s good enough for me. He’ll face what he needs to at some point, it’s only a matter of time. Meanwhile, I’m going to do what I can to make sure I look good and he looks like the deadbeat that he is.

There’s been a lot of mistakes on my side of things and I’m definitely ready to make some serious changes in this. Not only for my kid but for the sake of my own sanity. I just wanted so much from everyone because my kid deserves it but what I wanted was completely unrealistic. I know I wanted her Dad to be a lot more present than what he was but I realize now he’s never going to fill those shoes.

I think just staying really chill about everything is going to be the way to go in this. When he makes plans and then it doesn’t work out, don’t get angry. He’s all about getting my reactions and I refuse to allow him to have that anymore. I don’t feel like I have a lot of control in this situation but I do have control on how I react and that’s big. I think staying really laid back and just letting him look stupid is going to pay off big in the end because my kid is going to see it for herself. I still won’t tell her ahead of time that he’s planning to see her or anything but if something comes up where I have to tell her plans didn’t work out, I will still say it’s okay because that’s life and we’re still gonna go on with the day.

He always thought be me allowing the in and out was also saying it was me allowing him to abuse me and that’s why I kept him blocked and out of our lives so I think as long as I don’t engage once he becomes argumentative and mean, we might actually get somewhere. Once he realizes that the reactions aren’t forth coming, it may be a different ball game. I remember so many times him cancelling plans (probably intentionally) to get a reaction and I think now if he doesn’t get it, he’s going to realize that he willingly gave up time with his child AND didn’t get the reaction so he’s maybe gonna start to think about it.

It’s like they say, you can’t control what other people do but you can control how you react to it and I realize now that I completely gave people the exact reaction they wanted and I won’t do that again. I think letting him feed me lies and excuses and me just saying ‘okay’ will eventually stick with people more than me becoming rude or defensive will because people are actually going to start seeing him as the problem. Even if they never call him out, they aren’t going to view me as the bad guy.

I do find it annoying that he talked to her about taking her swimming when he’s not working but has been active on Facebook quite a bit through the night and all day now and then asked a few minutes ago to take her. Again, we are still full of shit but I’m not going to waste any energy calling him out on anything. She doesn’t know he’s asked to take her swimming and I don’t plan to say anything unless there’s an actual plan which probably won’t happen for a thousand reasons anyways. I’m trying to decide if I want to wait until Friday and see if I receive a payment or call CS at some point and ask if they’ve heard anything from the employer. The lies are seriously so fucking tired that I can’t even put into words anymore.

It’s also bullshit that he doesn’t willingly say where he’s working or what his schedule is either because there is no job or because we want to try and dodge CS for as long as we can and still expect me to be reasonable. Again, there’s just a lot of things that piss me off but I’m not going to show it or say anything about it anymore because it doesn’t get us anywhere. It’s just crazy to me that people walk around being this way.