pp in Internet Intentions

I don’t know how I ended up in such a negative state today but I feel utterly pathetic, uninspired, and not hopeful. I was shaking in anxiety this morning before class and during my first couple of periods. During my study hall Matthew and some kid walked out before the bell rang because they thought I wouldn’t do anything and I didn’t. I feel like a feeble unsure man, I come into school and get the feeling everyday like I don’t know what to do. I’m not happy with my work when its done, I know there’s so much more I can do but I feel paralyzed.

My teaching has been uninspired because I’m not confident with what I’m giving my students. I feel boring, I feel like none of my students listen to me especially 7th period. I feel like a failure and I don’t want to be negative but I want to accept all my emotions, no emotion is good or bad. I feel boring, disrespected, and utterly incompetent. I don’t want to feel this way and I know that I am not those things but these emotions are getting the best of me. I’m feeling quite uncomfortable with my roommate situation, I’m feeling uncomfortable with work (not in a good way) I’m content with the uncomfortableness.

I want to feel comfortable at work, I want to feel like I know what to do and how to do it. I don’t want to spend all my time at work I want to be happy with the work I put in and not constantly anxious. I want to give myself time to work on my other goals like survivor and actuary stuff. I want to be able clear my mind and relax and know that I will take care things tomorrow.

I feel like I can’t take action and I absolutely hate that feeling. I am not enjoying being a teacher right now and I really want to change that. What’s wrong with me? Is it really my dopamine levels rebounding from excess sugar, excess screen time, lack of exercise, lack of veggies, lack of purpose. I just hate myself rn and is the sad honest truth. I really hope I can talk to Gabe this week.

At this point I’m just thinking fuck it, let’s be a 3:30 leaver, I don’t need quizzes graded the day after, I don’t need amazing lesson plans, I don’t need to be an incredibly engaging teacher. I want to relax, enjoy the little things while teaching, get up to 200 pounds and work on being an actuary.