Warning: Girl Stuff Talked About Throughout.
When I was about 13, I was sitting on a couch with one of my male friends who had come over on the final day of school before we went our separate ways for high school and during a movie we were watching he slipped his hand under the towels we had from swimming and pushed a finger inside of me. I yelped and smacked him and we never spoke of it again after that. I never really thought much about it to be honest until recently. I'm still a virgin, which my boyfriend knows about, and he was always making comments about how our first time was going to be painful. As I was doing research on what a Hymen was/did (since I never remember it being covered in any health/anatomy class I've ever taken) I discovered that he probably broke my hymen when he did that. It was painful and a bled a small bit when it occurred.
I mentioned this to Ali and the first thing he says is, "Oh, well, guess you aren't a virgin since your Hymen is broken." This sparks a conversation on what a virgin is which eventually evolved into a conversation of why it was important in the first place. It ended with him saying; "Well, most girls try to get rid of their virginity as quickly as possible once they learn all of their friends have. Bring a virgin isn't a good thing." This, of course, sent the mean voices into overdrive in my brain.
Being a Virgin at 21 doesn't mean that you managed to survive the peer pressure in high school or that you wanted to try and save it for someone who loved you or someone who would understand the meaning of it. It means you're undesirable. It means that nobody wanted to put their dick inside you, which is a pretty amazing feat seeing as teenage boys literally want to put their dicks in anything. How disgusting, ugly and fat do you have to be to have remained a virgin this long? No one wanted you. He's going to break up with you in six months and you're going to be a virgin forever with your 12 cats.
I know he didn't mean anything like that; it's just... sometimes he just doesn't think about things before he says them, especially if he doesn't particularly care about the topic. He doesn't care if I'm a virgin or a porn star; he's never been with a virgin, even when he was having sex at 14 he had never been with one. So he just doesn't understand why being a virgin is important to me and when he asked me to explain why it was I honestly couldn't answer.
It's not like being a virgin was a particular goal of mine. I'm not religious and never planned to wait until marriage or anything crazy like that. And I don't think of any other girls any differently if they lose their virginity at 12 or 30. I just know that when I had my boyfriend in high school I didn't want to have sex with him until I was older. I guess... I just kind of wanted it to be with someone who was important, who was mature enough to understand how important a first time was to someone. Sex is an extremely terrifying thought sometimes; how intimate it is especially the first time with someone you love. How close and emotionally intimate you are with someone. I just... I don't want to sleep with someone who wakes up the next morning; gets dressed and walks out or was just in it to check a virgin off on their bucket list.
I don't want there to be roses and candles or anything special. I just kind of wanted it to be with someone that I trusted and would understand how scary it would be.
There's been a bunch of other things that have been on my mind regarding the move to England that will hopefully be occurring in a year.
Birth Control has been on the forefront of my mind today. I'd like have been on the pill at least two or three months before I actually move in case there are complications or something that would need to be changed for whatever reason. I've seen enough movies/television shows to know that you would need a prescription in order to get them but I was kind of hoping there was some alternative. There, of course, isn't. There is no way that I would be able to go to the doctors, get the prescription and pick it up for 3 months without my grandmother finding out and she of course would be flipping out in the traditional way that she does. I already have an excuse lined up which will be about how I need to go on the pill because losing a lot of weight has made the cramps more painful/irregular. I'm sure she would buy that pretty easily.
I don't plan on telling her about Ali or even where I am going for that matter. She can think that I am going off to Utah for school or whatever she wants to really but I don't intend to do any of this with her help. I don't have any reason to tell her where I am as she wouldn't give me her support even if I did. And I don't need any added stress or resistance, I need positive energy.
There are obviously more pressing matters like how I'm going to pay for the plane ticket, whether or not I'm going to live in a dorm room or continue living with Alistair after the summer is over, and getting accepted into an English College in general that are all much important than Birth Control but that one was the prime concern pressing on my frontal lobe today anyway.
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