Selfish. in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s so crazy looking back on past entries I’ve made about my kid’s SD. I knew all along things would end up like this. I’ve talked to my counselor and my friend this morning and I’ve done some cleaning.

I’m so thankful that I have reached a good place with all of this because otherwise, I would have lost my damn mind by now.

So it snowed like crazy overnight and all morning so there’s no travel advised in some spots and roads are completely horrid. My phone started blowing up super early this morning with alerts saying school would start 2 hours late and then they just cancelled it all together which was great because I didn’t feel like getting up and taking her because I had looked outside and the weather was awful.

I have since made lunch, cleaned up the house and did dishes. I was pretty annoyed yesterday because I was to attend an interview today and of course, there’s no sitter so I could actually go. I’m sure by now the place I was supposed to interview has closed, along with plenty of other places today.

It’s just really stressful trying to figure out what the hell I’m ever going to do because there’s no one to help with my daughter outside of school!! I can’t even begin to describe what this has done to my mental health.

I’ve seen a lot of things on social media about deadbeats and why they don’t pay because I think every guy is different. I think in my case, it’s him being lazy, being a drunk, and honestly coercive control. I know he’s hoping at some point that I’m just going to come crawling to him, begging him to move in hoping the puzzle pieces would just fall together but I know even if he lived here, I would still be doing it all by myself.

There’s such a thing as reproductive abuse and I truly believe with all of me that this guy knew what he was doing. I absolutely believe that he wanted to get me pregnant on purpose so he would feel there would always be someone wanting him around or having to put up with him. I think he’s bitter because none of this went the way he wanted. He always wanted to move in and that was never going to happen. I know he thinks at some point I’m going to get desperate enough to just move him in and put up with all the chaos thinking or hoping everything would just work itself out.

Even when he’s been around, he doesn’t help with his child. He either sleeps or plays on his phone unless he’s snapping photos to put on Facebook. He hasn’t worked in almost 2 years and I know he wouldn’t get a job living in my house and I’m not going to let the guy freeload off me until he decides to work and even then, he wouldn’t chip in on rent or groceries because he’d use the argument that I’m getting CS!

My biggest issue with this is I’m a rebel and I refuse to end up like my Mom nor do I want my daughter growing up watching her Dad sit on the couch like I did. I’m not going to find myself unhappy, working like a dog to take care of a grown ass man that’s controlling every aspect of my life and treating my daughter like crap! He’s shown me over and over that he has no patience for her at all, can’t treat her with kindness or respect and that she’s better off without him.

I think the biggest thing he struggles with is he saw all of this going a whole different way where I was going to be stuck taking care of him and that didn’t happen so he refuses to pay money into my household. He’s a very lazy, selfish, evil person and I will NEVER let him move in because it would just be constant problems and there would be no getting rid of him without hurting my kid or risking ourselves getting evicted. I know that it would not end well so I’m not going to ever do it.

So it’s still a full on blizzard outside. I need to take out trash and I really want to go out and do things tomorrow. There’s a bunch of egg hunts but some have been cancelled or going to be indoors so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how everything’s looking in the morning. I really don’t want to be snowed in tomorrow.

I find it absolutely insane that people like him even exist. His whole family is like this too. His Mother should be ashamed of herself that she raised a bunch of shit piles. None of them work or pay bills or take care of their kids. The sister that died had 9 kids and actually had her rights terminated to several of them a couple of years before she died. They are all trash.

I’m grateful for him though because without him I wouldn’t have my child. I love her more than life itself and thank God for her every single day. She is the biggest blessing of my life and I thank God for choosing me to be her Mom. She told me this morning she’s glad there isn’t school today.

It’s annoying that my brother still talks to him when he’s been told to end all contact. I am just so irritated that I don’t have my boundaries respected. My brother is the biggest hypocrite because he’s told me that my SD and I need to never speak again and blah blah blah but does what he can to try and make us talk. Nothing is ever going to change and I accept that. I just wish people understood that he isn’t well and has caused more damage being in and out than anything so I want him to just leave us alone.

My birthday is coming up. I know I won’t get to go do anything because everyone around me will make sure of it like they do every year so I’m not going to stress myself out about it. It’s the same thing every fucking year. It’s like everyone’s afraid that I might enjoy being kid free for even an hour.

I realized that my call log doesn’t show my blocked calls so I reset it and SD’s brother has called everyday and that guy I was talking to like a week ago has tried to call a few times too. The brother texted a week ago asking if I was home and I’m SO FUCKING GLAD he didn’t just randomly show up or I would have been so pissed! Thank God he was receptive not to or I would have blown up! Nothing makes me feel more violated and disrespected than when people show up at random. I just want the guy to forget about me. The only reason he wants anything to do with me is to make that one guy mad and I’m going to have no part in that! It’s sad that both of them just want to hurt each other but I refuse to contribute to anything making shit worse for my child that would just lead to him having even more reason to not be a Dad.

The guy that I was talking to like a week ago.... I wonder if I maybe have become too hypersensitive and jumped the gun in cutting him off. I just have this thing where once the energy shifts, I’m quick to end things because I know if I stick around, things just get worse and then I look back and realize that I’ve just wasted my time. Life is just too damn short and I have more than enough to worry about. We’ll see if he hits me up tomorrow I suppose. I still don’t plan to go any further with him though.