Parenting is the hardest job there is. in Since OD is shutting down....

I have always had really strained relationships with my family and I’d like to talk about how much it’s affected my daughter. There’s always been times where we don’t see or speak to each other for months, even well over a year at a time. I think we’ve all just done so much to one another that trust is gone and there’s just a lot of really hurt feelings. I know I have a lot of deep seeded issues with everyone around me and as much as I want to forgive and forget, more shit happens and it’s hard to try and makes sense of all of it.

It was about 3 weeks ago that I didn’t have a running car and we were walking back and forth to school. My daughter was deeply upset and she still mentions it. I am angry that I had no help whatsoever and yeah, I’m not entitled to shit from anyone but I know how much I’ve helped every single person I’m related to with thousands of dollars over the years, babysitting for free, driving cars so people didn’t get pulled over, etc etc etc and the one time I wasn’t self sufficient, no one felt it was a big deal to even stop by and check on us.

It’s been a good day though. My Mom came and we ran around and got some stuff for my niece and went to a few stores. I felt pretty bad that my daughter couldn’t go to the pool with my niece and her friends so I bought her some extra stuff to play with here at home. I’m just always compensating for other people’s crap. I got her some new shoes as well. I seem to buy her a new pair about once a month because they just don’t last long at all.

It was warm and sunny which was nice. I’m worried about the weather on Wednesday because we are due for a big storm and that’s the day I go for my injections. I’m going to be very upset if I have to reschedule because I have waited for this for so long and everyone I’ve talked to that’s had this done says I’ll have immediate relief. I’m just so ready to start being pain free.

But yeah, I realize that I need to utilize the help that I do get and I can say I feel very blessed and grateful for everything I have. I just really want to start working on my body and be in a better place physically so that I’m able to get a job and not worry about my legs giving out on me if I stand for too long. I think your physical health and mental health play off each other and if one is off kilter, it really messes with the other. Being in constant pain has made me feel very vulnerable and it’s just another set back.

I really do wish my kid’s sperm donor understood the barriers and obstacles I face damn near every day because I don’t have any help from him at all. He’s always had this attitude that not only should he not have to help but I shouldn’t try and get help from anyone or anywhere! It’s just unrealistic and an absolute distorted way of thinking. Ya can’t just create a child with someone, walk away and expect them to completely raise a kid alone and never need help! I just get so pissed thinking about how much this guy has tried to gaslight me into the craziest shit!

I have put so much of my own stuff on the back burner because I’m a single Mom with no babysitter and that’s why I’m dealing with everything now because everything has to be addressed now. I didn’t get counseling because I had no sitter and then my back problems got worse and I had no sitter to start dealing with it all so now, everything has gotten severe enough that I can’t just put it on the back burner anymore. I just hope he feels great about how much I’ve dealt with by myself and my health has suffered because he’s spiteful, lazy, and selfish!!

Anyways, I can’t talk about that anymore. I was glad to pick her up right after school yesterday and we got her eye exam done and ordered new glasses. The last place where we got our exams and glasses from would never give me a straight answer when we were due for our exams and would be super rude anytime I needed them to repair my daughter’s glasses. I just got to the point where I was just tired of dealing with it and now I was able to get my daughter’s stuff done and I can go in and do mine next month. I just can’t believe how unhelpful people are here and are still able to keep their fucking jobs!!

I’m still thinking about moving but I’m definitely glad to really have time to sit and consider everything. My good friend is there but him and I have had falling outs where we don’t speak again for at least a year. He will be completely in the wrong but I’m always the one to get sick of us not talking and be the one to reach out. I just worry that I would have even less help there with my daughter than I do here and that I could really be putting myself in a tough spot by moving several hours away from what little help I do have. I know it’s always been my dream to move there but my friend and I don’t always get along and I am concerned that there could be a falling out right away and then wonder what the hell I would do if I needed help in any kind of way and I also don’t want to feel like I would be putting myself at his mercy if I did ask for assistance with anything. It would also be really uncomfortable asking him for help with anything if we had decided we were done being friends.