Father's day in just testing
- June 15, 2014, 6:36 a.m.
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- Public
I wonder if he thinks of us at all.
How could a man produce children and let them disappear?
He left when we were .... 5 and 8? We loved him. I know he knew this. Esp. me. I relished being near him all I could. I'd stand in the kitchen just to watch him cook! I'd run to him when I saw him, walking couldn't get me to him fast enough!
My gigantic capacity TO love was because of how much I LOVED HIM.
And now I badger Will because I can't get enough love since he left. I harass Will to be near me every second to give to me the love I need to fill the hole my father left when I couldn't love him anymore because he physically wasn't there.
I called him and he never took my calls, for years. I probably called him for 2 years, maybe more. And even when I stopped calling, I never stopped thinking, wishing, wondering.
I can't love him now. Now that I'm an adult. As a child I had so much forgiveness and I didn't understand, nor did I care. Just come back to me, I don't care what happened between you and mom. Come back to ME.
Now I am grown up and extremely less forgiving. I don't know that there's anything he could say now that could change my mind. Nothing could make up for what he put my heart through.
I care so much - about everything and everyone. I feel TOO much, I'm sure. So I cannot fathom creating a child - children - and then letting them fade away. Not knowing if they're sick, or hurt, or just wanting to know about their good and bad days.
This father's day - I hope he's sorry. I hope he regrets. If he's decent at all I'm sure he does. But I don't even really want to know.
lessoff ⋅ June 15, 2014
I have the same thing except with my mom. but I found out after my dad died how much of an ass he would be to her (holding guns up to her and threatening her for random things-and yes they were real guns) and how he would take her to court every 3 months to ask for my support, meanwhile she just didn't have the money (and how many times she went to jail and lost her drivers license due to not paying for something she couldn't afford)