Something special about infertility in Life

I’ve found that most people think they’ve walked the hard road. Before my own battle, I watched friends freak out after a few months of not getting pregnant. My bff got pregnant the first time she had sex probably with her first, and was running off to obgyn when it was 3 months the next time. And then took nausea meds when she wasn’t even throwing up. (I feel sick all the time but I refuse to take meds if I can still eat! I’m doing better than others)

So, I wonder if there’s something special about infertility or just something special about me.

Because after two years, 3 clomid cycles, 3 iui’s, tons of blood draws, tons of ultrasounds, a round of egg retrieval shots (2-3 shots per day for several weeks). Trigger shots, going under for egg retrieval, ultrasounds to prepare for transfer, a truly uncomfortable embryo transfer…

When we got that positive, it felt too easy to me.

I’ve seen the struggles of others… 10 ivf cycles failed, poor egg quality, multiple miscarriages, 5+ years invested. And all the hard road I’ve walked feels like nothing in comparison. And then this baby feels too good to be true.

Objectively, I know I worked way harder to get here than the average person. And there were days that I just found myself marveling at how ivf warriors are going through all this and NOT EVEN DISCUSSING IT. People are walking around everyday like punching bags- thigh bruises and tears and figuring out how to become their own nurse just to have a baby. And most of them aren’t even talking about it.

And for all intensive purposes, I wasn’t publicly talking about it either, but I did have PB and a bunch of friends with me on that road.

And it’s an incredibly isolating road, and nothing really prepares you for that.

But here’s the thing. The struggle makes you so fucking thankful.

I feel nauseated or have indigestion like 75% of the day I’m awake, but fuck it, that’s the only reason I feel at all comfortable that there’s a baby in there.

And knowing how hard it’s been, it’s an unbelievable miracle. And I do mean unbelievable, because I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I “graduate” from fertility on Friday, provided my ultrasound is normal.

I will miss it. Is that weird? Like bonding with your wartime buddies....

What a crazy experience, all in all.