210.4 in Weight Loss Surgery

2 lbs up in a day? Sounds like me. Dunno if it was the alcohol or just carbs in general from my inlaws BBQ…

Today’s gonna be more of the same cause holiday…

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I ate The Entire World on Memorial Day.

So let’s talk about it.

After having time to reflect - cause I’m not writing this on 5/31 - I can solidly say, and I’m sure I’m not alone, that my family allows me to put my guard down and therefore is kind of a trigger point to bad eating and over eating.

I have struggled with my own will power around my family for a loooooooooooooong time.

And I fully blame myself, not them. There’s a lot of ways to cheat at my mom’s and I don’t expect them not to eat whatever they want, whenever they want. I don’t want anyone to be afraid to eat in front of me. I don’t want my niece to be brought up in a “diet” kinda household.

My sister already struggles with eating and they are already calling my niece chubby and pointing out her belly (she’s 7) and my niece already knows the word diet although I don’t know what she means or how to do it cause she has not yet ever tried to not eat or skip dessert and I have not hear of anyone making fun of her body from school, etc.

My family ALWAYS has snacks around. My mom’s house includes herself, my step father, my sister and my niece. And they all have different snacking favorites PLUS my sister is a pastry chef in a chocolate shop. So whether you want cake or chips or ice cream or candy - there is ALWAYS multiple options.

I HAVE TO HAVE THE WILLPOWER TO SAY NO.

Or at least eat within reasonable limits.

I can say no to bad food in front of Will most of the time. And yesterday when I went to his family’s I said no to some things and ate within my limits without much of a problem (Yet I still gained 2 lbs) But on memorial day when I went to my parents it was just.... there’s so many things I could blame on why yesterday went out of control.

SO first off - to say that my gain did my effect my mental health would be a lie. I really tried to do well at my inlaws BBQ and I listed everything in the previous entry. I could have been so much worse!

And gaining when your trying or you think you’ve done well can (and does for me) really deflate my motivation and efforts.

Also, ever since my sister moved back with my mom after her divorce she has kinda taken over holiday meals. Because she is a chef she just assumes she does everything even though my mom has and is perfectly capable of it.

My sister basically cannot stand by and abide other people controlling a holidays meal simply because her identity is a chef and so she physically can not let someone else do cooking unless we’re at a restaurant or something.

My sis does have control issues and tries to exert her control over a lot of things and she blames this on being controlled by a narcissistic boyfriend and then husband for like 10 years.

But while my sister wants to control everything, she is also chaotic, unorganized, unplanned, - I very much think she has undiagnosed ADHD (she thinks so too) and that kinda sucks for hosting holidays and serving meals…

Although I did bring pasta salad and a PB sweet bread to my parents for the BBQ. But only cause my sister said ok since she wasn’t making either of those things.

I ATE BEFORE I CAME THERE.

I knew I should eat my own healthy food before I got there. So I did. I got there at 9am because of the memorial day parade that goes right past my parents house. However, the parade was late by 2 HOURS.

I feel like my stupid ass town forgot to block off all the streets they should have early enough to stop all the traffic from coming through. So we had 2 hours in our seats in the heat watching one police man almost get run over multiple times by loads of cars coming down the block full speed not expecting to be redirected by 1 guy and no cones or blockades!

It took a long time to get all the traffic out of the area and detours created I guess before they could allow the parade to start.

So out came the oreos cause all of us - including Emma were melting and getting cranky. I partook in oreos (and water) cause I myself was cranky as well. I think I had like 6. I had breakfast of a soy chorizo (hot dog shape) at 830am - did I need 6 oreos at 10am? NO, but you know how it goes. You taste one and it’s like cocaine and you just keep going back. Or at least I do…

The parade itself was only an hour - so I guess we get back inside the house by 12 and Emma gets her suit on to play in the blow up pool. I’m watching her and the neighbor boy while everyone else is either cleaning up the yard or getting food ready, My hubby came over at 1230 so my sis came out with chips and guac. Which really I was good with most of the afternoon. I had maybe 3 chips with guac when they first came out and vowed to stay away until “real” food came.

Then my sis came out with drinks. She made me a margarita - which I usually love - but it was kinda strong. She is heavy handed and has a stronger tolerance than me. But I drank it cause honestly I wasn’t opposed to getting a buzz. I mean, I didn’t wanna be unintelligible, but I didn’t mind it being strong.

However, I watched those kids play - sometimes dipping my feet in the play pool - from 1230pm to 445pm (when food was actually served).

My sister had planned nothing but the one meal.

My sister didn’t even have the one meal prepped!

I didn’t mind watching the kids, I enjoyed it - but my sister was gone for 4 hours cutting veggies, prepping chicken, making her own blueberry BBQ sauce, etc.

What the fuck kinda BBQ leaves you with nothing but chips for 4 hours LOL

She did give the kids fruit and cheese quesadillas. Luckily that neighbor kid is super picky and didn’t want the quesadilla. He lived on watermelon LOL. So I ate his. But it was a small thin quesadilla. It helped but I wasn’t full or anything.

She had like 4 bowls of chips out but kept scolding people for eating them cause she wanted people to save room for her meal. I feel like she purposely didn’t make any “real” food cause she was so concerned about people eating her real meal. But you can’t starve people for hours so they eat your precious BBQ chicken!

There should have been a lunch and a dinner.

SO even though I feel like I’m making excuses - I hit the chips and gauc quite hard later the in afternoon when I was fucking starving and couldn’t take it anymore.

I should have gotten more water. I think I drank 6 cups throughout the day but it was all before the margarita. After the margarita I wasn’t feeling 100% great and then it was just salty chips and a cheese quesadilla and I started to really not feel well..

Like really lethargic… I could have napped at the table. I was under shade while watching the kids and occasionally dipped my toes in their pool but I think I just let myself get too.... spent.

So when the food was finally all on the table at 445 I fucking inhaled. Multiple pieces of garlic bread, plenty of grilled veggies, my own pasta salad as well as mozz caprese.

It isn’t even all “bad food” it was just a lot in a short period of time. We all - I mean my entire family - inhaled the food after waiting so long for “the chef” to be ready.

SO after dinner - I felt like I was gonna throw up.

Which, of course, can be a common side effect for someone with weight loss surgery after binging. It most certainly will come right back up.

So I helped clear the table and then I went and laid on my parents couch and let my sister watch the kids.

She actually seemed pretty tired after all she did for the dinner and I think she kinda wanted someone else to watch the kids play some more but I unfortunately made myself sick and couldn’t be there.

I had my parents drive me home and I laid on my couch for 2 hours, unmoving not wanting to vomit. Maybe I should have vomited because after that feeling had passed I had the worst sulfur farts as my body digested.

And today I am over feeling like vomiting but I have the worst, sharp, gas pains all over my abdomen. High, low, sides, everywhere. Luckily today is a light day at work. I am usually in the office by 630am but today I let myself sleep in until 8am and decided to work from home. I knew I couldn’t manage a shower and just interact with others today.

Which is a shame because I really account this state of being as all my fault. But a lesson learned since the summer is just starting.

I will bring my own food, smoothies, shakes, etc. Esp to my own families gatherings where I already know they will not have good options
I will not fill up on snacks in place of meals - Esp salty snacks or alcohol
I will remember to drink my water all day long
I will remember to regulate my temperature - if I am feeling too hot I will speak up or provide my own self care even if it means leaving the group

Last updated May 31, 2022