Mirrors in just testing

Sometimes I feel like the only reason I look at other people is to show myself how inadequate I am.

I don’t know why I do that.

I look at my mom with her high salary and large home and instead of - or on top of - being grateful and thankful, I glaringly see how I am not where she was at my age. I’m behind. I’ve made the wrong choices. I’m not as good as she would have expected me to be because I’m so far behind her.

I look at my sister, and although her life is rough right now and I don’t agree with all her choices - she once did have a house and she now has a kid. I guess there’s peaks and valleys but I don’t think I’ve even hit my peak. Been pretty steady - or stagnant - for like 10 years.

Plus she’s always been thinner, prettier, and she has a real talent/skill/career. I’m just an admin that can pretty much answer phones and file mail anywhere. I’m disposable.

I look online at other cat people and groups who are trapping and fixing so much more than I ever have. Carting vans of like 40 cats they caught from various locations to get fixed. Fundraising the costs. Like HOW? Where is the time? Where is the money? What do I lack that they have? I want to help more!

I look online at WLS groups where people have lost double what I have lost in half the time. I’ll never be as disciplined as them. Will I ever be satisfied?

I look at my bosses or co workers. They’re maybe only 10 years older than me and running shit. They have real titles and real salaries. They have real homes. They have pools! They are committed. They have power, authority, respect. They are paying their kids colleges and yet still have money for vacations. They are pushing harder and higher. Will I ever be that ambitious?

Even people here. I believe just about every person I read owns their own home and is doing well enough financially that they’re not living paycheck to paycheck off ramen noodles in fear of losing that home.

I compare myself to everyone and degrade myself.

I’m not an awful person. I don’t HATE me. I just wish I was MORE of these things I admire in others. Or I wish that I could look at these other people and not be constantly reminded of what I’m not. That I’m not as much as people expect. That I’m not as much as I could be cause I’m just lazy and don’t feeeeel like it.

I know I need to remind myself more that I’m still just as good as my mom (as a human being) if I never get a house. Just as good as my boss if I never excel past this position. Just as good as anyone who weighs less than me if I stay at 210 forever.

This house this - it kills me. It’s not like I hate my apartment. I love my apartment. It is cozy and I don’t mean that in an insulting way. It is warm and soft. It can be bright when the sun cooperates. It is so comfortable. It’s our own little 2 person cave. It’s fine for us.

But I feel stunted in this apartment. I don’t feel like a fully grown adult if I don’t own a home. I want a back yard. I want to BBQ. I want my own driveway. I NEED MORE SPACE. I don’t want to share walls anymore. Some apartments or condos have all this but I don’t want to pay rent anymore. I want a space I can one day own, no matter how small it might be. I want a space I can control, improve, make my own.

It seems like a cruel magic trick sometimes how everywhere I look everyone has what I want. I’m feeling so pressured to save. To stay on track for this house. Because if I don’t stay on track, we’ll never ever get there. But it didn’t seem that hard for anyone else.

I think I’m stressing cause my taxes are still looming. I’m dreading it. Avoiding it. I also feel lost. Will wants to do Turbo Tax online for free. I’ve been doing it that way for year and I feel ripped off. And there’s no one - not even the “live” people they offer that are smart enough to tell me WHY I always OWE SO MUCH.

WHY ME??????

I feel like I need to go to a REAL person. A REAL office. Someone that may be able to answer WHAT I’m DOING WRONG.

But Will doesn’t want to - and he wants us to do it together. So he really wants me to just do turbo tax with him. But I’m afraid of his reaction. You know how he is with money. I feel like what I owe will be laid on his shoulders as well if we do our taxes together. And when I owed thousands of dollars I didn’t even tell anyone right away. I just suffered in silence.

Will can’t do that. So I dread him hearing that now WE owe thousands and it’s entirely my fault BUT I DON’T KNOW WHY and he’s doing to be pissed and upset and we’ll fight and he’ll be in a nasty attitude and I JUST DREAD DOING TAXES.

Tax time puts such a fear in me. But the longer I wait the more heavy the dread is.

I feel like maybe we should do it this weekend but I’m afraid.

PLUS when I say WE in any sense of the word it ME. It’s ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ME.

I have to do the turbo thing alone with BOTH our info. I have to do something I’m TERRIFIED of ALONE cause he’s got a bad temper.

OR if I get to do it with a real person I am setting up the appointment. I am gathering all the paperwork. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I have to do something I’m terrified of alone.

Plus - as I’m sure I’ve mentioned multiple times - I have taken out like $500 a pay check to be withheld for this purpose. And there’s no guarantee that it’s enough. I may still owe. And with what I’m putting into savings for a house, I don’t even know how I’ll afford it.

I am sick to my stomach and envious of everyone else who seems to have what I want so effortlessly.

And I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad. I want you all to have what you want too. Everyone is deserving of what they have.

This house situation has just been so hard for so long.