Ha ha, you already know how I met you. At first I wasn't sure I would want to work with you. I got frustrated because you were always checking sports stats on your stupid phone while we were supposed to be working the floor. You quickly became one of the best friends I have ever had. We got along, we understood each other, we had the same sort of sense of humor. When things got dangerous, you were my protector. You kept me safe. I had so much fun working with you! Remember when we used to say "MINE" all the time, like in Finding Nemo? Or, when I called you my b*tch because I made the stop and you had to do all the leg work to help me out?
We could talk about more intimate things in our lives, and I didn't have to worry about you telling anyone. I also knew that you always had my back even when I made a mistake or if we didn't see eye to eye. You truly were a rock for me when the rest of my life seemed so crazy and nuts.
Eventually, I started having feelings for you. I knew I needed to back away because I thought you were entirely committed to your wife. She was your life. You loved her. You seemed totally happy with her, and you never said a bad word about her even when you were upset with her. She was the luckiest girl I knew. I wish I had been able to download all of my OD entries so I could show you the entries about you...because I never talked to you about how I felt, about how I wished I could be with you instead of her. Jealousy is such a bad thing, and it's so toxic.
What happened? When did things start going so downhill? Were they always this way and you hid it from me? I am so sorry that things worked out this way...
At the same time I think I am a little excited.
When you texted me in February and told me that you didn't think your marriage was going to work, I was so worried about you. I knew how upset you were. I could feel how torn up you were. I just wanted to give you a hug and tell you that I know you are strong enough to make it through all of this. I wanted to support you through your troubled times like you supported me through mine. You disappeared though. As quickly as you showed back up in my life, the currents washed you away again.
And the other night you came back. Briefly. Just a flash. A few hours of texting and admitting things. You harbored feelings for me since way back when? My heart fluttered. I blushed. I wanted so badly to run to you the other night. But I can't. And I won't. It wouldn't be right. You may be getting a divorce, but it is not final yet. Technically, you are still married. As much as I want to see you and talk to you every day and as much as I hope that things will be the way they used to be and better, I can't. I can not afford to have my heart broken right now. I can not afford to throw myself out there only to have you walk away again.
I think of you often. I think about how it would feel to have your arms around me. To feel you kiss me. To smell you again. Gosh, you always smell so darn good. To know that you are really real, and not just some figment I made up in my imagination. I don't know. I don't know if I can do this. I care for you. I could easily fall in love with the man I knew you to be back then, but people change. I know that you don't know me anymore. I am not the same person I was five years ago. I've changed and grown up. I'm still me, just not.
I dunno...how do I handle this? What do I do? How do I stay within my beliefs and convictions, and still be open and supportive to you? You told me how you feel. I wanted so badly to reciprocate, but now is not the right time for you. Did you tell me those things because you were feeling lonely and vulnerable that night? Did you mean them? Where are you right now? Why haven't I heard from you? Do I tell you all of these things?
Ugh. So confusing.
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